The Thirsty Dead (1974) 1h 28m

How many of these cheap horror movie collections do I own?  The answer is a lot apparently.  Coming to us from a 13 film set entitled The Living Dead we get The Thirsty Dead!  I chose this film specifically because of the description on the back of the case which is as follows:

"A stewardess, an erotic dancer, and two beauty queens are kidnapped and taken to a cave in the jungle.  They soon discover their gruesome fate: They're captives of a cult of immortals who survive by drinking blood."

That was enough to hook me but The Thirsty Dead has so much more!  Each lady is kidnapped from the city by men in red cultist robes with giant hoods.  They're taken to a boat, unbound, and paddled down to the cave.  The erotic dancer just assumes they're going to become sex slaves and she is 100% down for that, saying something like "you can make money and never leave your bedroom."  We are then shown the cultists that are dressed somewhere between original Star Trek humanoid aliens and Flash Gordon extras.  The blond female with crazy Dolly Parton hair resembles the old queen of this group and, after consulting the head in a box, they try to get her to join the cult.  Will she drink the blood potion and live forever or will she deny the prophecy and complain about just wanting to be with her "friends" the whole time?

I see you want to live forever...

There was a lot going on in this film.  The beauty queens really don't do a whole lot in this film except for complain and one eventually has a snake on her foot.  The erotic dancer exists to be hyper sexual in her comments and actions, also to have the most hilarious death which I assume was some weird 70's way of saying that having loose morals leads you to dying in a pit of bones and rats.  The cult is insane and as the film goes on more and more crazy shit get s revealed.  Initially it's just a guy in a blue tunic, then there are tons of local women, then there's a head in a box, then there's a telescope and a glory hole?  Yeah, it gets weird and stays weird. 

It probably had a decent budget as well, or at least access to old sci-fi sets to have all the matching costumes and the strange cavern lair.  Unfortunately they didn't put any of that toward the special effects make-up as the appliances are poorly constructed and blended into the actresses.  While I think of it too, for a random horror movie in the 70's I don't recall seeing any bare breasts at any point in this film.  Even when the dancer was doing her routine in a cage at the beginning she was still wearing what equates to a two-piece bathing suit.  I don't know why I'm surprised by this but it just seems like an odd staple with 70's and early 80's schlock horror to throw in some breasts.  Maybe this film thought it couldn't contend with Hammer Films and kept it covered.

All in all, The Thirsty Dead wasn't bad.  It wasn't amazing, but it was a "watch this with your friends and laugh at it" kind of fun.  My husband joined me for this watching and it definitely made the film better.

I give The Thirsty Dead 2.5 stock photos of someone drinking water out of 5:

13 Days of Christmas Day 1: Black Christmas (a.k.a. Silent Night, Evil Night, a.k.a Stranger in the House)(1974) 1h 38m

I figured we could start the 13 Days of Christmas with a true holiday classic.  So light up the tree, spike your egg nog extra strong, and make sure your lawn is booby trapped to keep those damn carolers away.  Let's get into Black Christmas.

One of the innovators of the slasher genre, Black Christmas is the ultimate "the call is coming from inside the house" film.  A sorority house has been receiving obscene phone calls from a man that switches between weird baby noises and violent sexual comments, sometimes doing two voices at once which is a real fucking talent.  After the house lush, Barb, tells the caller off, the sisters seem to settle into getting ready for everyone to leave for Christmas break.  While packing, Clare hears the house cat making strange noises at something in her closet.  Rather than getting help, or even a weapon, she just keeps saying "who's there" while going to check out the closet.  Her murder by dry cleaning bag is what sets off the chain of events that make up this movie.  Her corpse is also the poster art, complete with plastic wrapped head.

I first became aware of this film when the loose remake of 2006 was being made.  People lost their shit over the remake being released on Christmas, as if it was spitting in the eye of god.  The original has a much better plot structure though in the sense that it doesn't attempt to explain who the murderer is, how they got there, or why they're doing this.  I think that for an effective slasher you don't always need a set motive or backstory aside from "Oh shit, that person is going to wreck everyone."

I will say that this film is entirely dated and displays some of the most inept authority figures ever.  From the front desk cop that can't be bothered to do his job properly, to the sorority mother that has more hidden booze than a 20's-era speakeasy, to the cops that don't check the attic to find a three-day-old rotting corpse and psycho killer, everything is a mess.  We do get some interesting kills thanks to things like large crystal unicorn decorations.  Also, I have to bring up Barb again because she spends most of the movie being some sort of strange booze magician with her pulling cans of beer out of everything and then making guests feel uncomfortable while she talks about wanting to get fucked for three days like a turtle does.  She's the kind of girl that you go to a party with friends and somehow get stuck on a couch with her while she babbles about everything until she cries about something and you're stuck watching the car crash in slow motion.

I give Black Christmas 3 ripped Santas out of 5: