Day 24: Dracula III: Legacy (2005) 1h 26min

I never saw Dracula 2000 (which sounds like a terrible techno-goth band) or Dracula II: Ascension but these are what come prior to Dracula III: Legacy.  That's how numbers work people. 2000 -> 2 -> 3

Surprisingly this is the second film starring Jason Scott Lee to appear on this blog.  Equally surprising is that Rutger Hauer plays Dracula in this film.  Although Dracula gets probably between 8-10 minutes total of screen time and it's mostly for a fight with his giant and obviously fake sword.  You can watch the sword flop like a semi-flaccid dick on close-up shots.  It's bad.  The design of the sword is bad.  This movie is kind of bad.

It seemed like it was going to be awesome though.  The opening credits are shots of things that look like they belong in a Castlevania movie.  There are whips, blades, vampires, fighting.  All it needed was Jason Scott Lee to eat a pork chop he found in a wall and I would've been sold.  Unfortunately this movie consists mostly of them traveling and a semi-related side angle involving some sort of criminal group collecting Romani for vampires to drain.

The simple plot is that JSL is some sort of dhampir style vampire where he isn't quite human but not a vampire either so he can go out in the day and he wants to kill Dracula.  He does.  Then he sits on Dracula's throne with a lady on his lap... posing like some Heavy Metal magazine spread, suave mother fucker that he is...

That's it.  Some say it's not the destination but the journey, but the journey sucked too.  There was maybe one good fight sequence in the whole thing and it was not like Castlevania at all.  In fact, the first time he fights real vampires they're in fucking clown paint.  Juggalo fuckin' vampires!  Vampalos!  Fuck it.

I give Dracula III: Legacy 1 Castlevania pork chop out of 5:

Day 19: Tale of the Mummy (1998) 1h 28m

Full disclosure: I barely paid attention to this film.  Not even having Jason Scott Lee (he played Bruce Lee in Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story) or Shelley Duvall could make this b-film a b+.  The story started as a typical mummy story.  People find a tomb, tomb is opened, bad shit goes down.  The bad shit in this case was the archaeologists being drained of their body fluids and one of them having half their face dry, crack, and shatter.  My interest was still in the film here.

So this mummy is apparently involved in the resurrection of or is the deity Talos.  When the body was embalmed there was an order to five specific organs taken out of it.  Now the mummy is attempting to get those organs from people and bring Talos back to life.

The mummy itself appears as one of three things in this film.  The first is a bad CGI floating ghost thing, with bandages flailing everywhere.  The second is just a series of dirty rubber resistance bands (for anyone that's had to do PT) that grab people and pull their entire body into things like club toilets.  The final is an actual actor in a costume.  The costume looked great except for the fact that the mummy had bandages going into his mouth which made no sense for a mummy.

The first appearance of the bad CGI mummy was when I tuned out, but I did watch the other mummy parts... and the end.... kind of.  So the mummy gets the body parts, takes this weird beefy alien form, and has a girl tied up.  Jason Scott Lee comes in and the girl tells him to shoot her so space mummy can't possess her form.  Jason does, but then the space mummy says that Jason is actually the one that has the spirit of the princess inside of him and it ends with him being possessed by Talos.

Shelley Duvall was just a random psychic in this who takes new age to a whole new level.  It's always weird seeing her in things that are not The Shining as that's my frame of reference in regards to Ms. Duvall.  Fuckin' space hippies.

Don't even bother looking this film up, it was butt.  Like two butts smooshed together, cheek to cheek, to make a weird giant butt.

I will give it a 1 Scooby Doo "Coin!" mummy out of 5, just because some of the effects were cool.