Havenhurst (2016) 1h 20m

UGGGHHHHHHH!  I can't even write a proper introduction to this film because I just want to tear into how bad it was.  It's going to be that kind of review.  Prepare your butthole for the tragedy that is Havenhurst.

Working as a strange halfway house, Havenhurst is a large apartment building where as long as you remain clean from your vice or villainy then you can remain as long as you like.  However, should you dip your toe back in, then you will be given an eviction notice, only the evicted never actually leave the building.  We find this out as Jamie comes to try and find her sister Jackie that has disappeared after being supposedly "evicted."  With the help of a young girl named Sarah she finds notes and photos left by Jackie that show the building shifting and changing.  Hidden doors, rooms changing size, and passages between the walls all point to a weird combination of Dr. Satan and H.H. Holmes.

Speaking of H.H. Holmes, two of my notes in order just say "weird H.H. Holmes style traps / never mind, there's H.H. Holmes stuff."  They just straight up make this a relative of Mr. Holmes with a secret room full of books, plans, and paper clippings from him.  I'm not sure why but this reveal just pissed me off.  It didn't help that this movie was pretty boring and just made me want to watch American Horror Story Hotel instead as it had a much greater depth.

One of the sons being this strange Dr. Satan character with weird arm attachments didn't help either.  Then they try to sneak in this semi-unexpected heel turn at the end but at that point I was already balls deep in cleaning my living room and the movie was just background noise.  This movie exists as one of those films that bland ass 35+ white women would watch at night, in the dark, with a glass of whatever wine they drown their 9-to-5 life in and then they tell their friends it was amazing, scary, and such a psychological thriller!  I tell my friends this is a fart after you've had too much sashimi!

I give Havenhurst 0 plates of delicious sashimi out of 5:

Cube (1997) 1h 30m

I've never been super strong with math (aside from geometry).  I can handle the basic day-to-day type stuff but aside from that it was never my thing.  So odds are I couldn't survive the Cube on my own.  Although, I would totally poop in it.  You're stuck there, trying to figure things out, and only one person has to pee the whole time?  If death is coming then I'm going out with nothing to lose.  Literally.

Cube gives us a bunch of people that wake up inside of large rooms with a door on each wall.  Most of the rooms connecting have some sort of death trap but over time everyone starts to find out there's a skill each one has in order to survive and hopefully find a way out.  Shit turns Lord of the Flies kind of quick.

The best parts of this film are probably when someone triggers a trap.  I love a good body slice and that's one of the first things we get.  There's also a great moment where they establish one of the people to be their hope on getting out and then ten seconds later his face gets melted by acid.  Unfortunately, these were the only moments I enjoyed.

All of these characters could have survived or they all could have died and I wouldn't have cared.  Actually, that's partially true as I think the only person that should survive out of this gaggle of assholes does survive.  The structure is stupid and there's not logical sense for its existence.  Seriously, who fucking paid for this shit?! Also, I'm confused on this room moving thing if it's as massive as they say.  Wouldn't its size mean that certain rooms would never be reached or utilized?  Did my tax dollars pay for this shit?  Because I want that money back!

I give Cube 1 Rubik's cube out of 5:

The Collection (2012) 1h 22m

I have never seen The Collection prior to this viewing, but before I even started watching it I had it confused with about five other films that came out around this same time.  All of them slightly interchangeable in content and plot but pretty much the same.  It also doesn't help that the villain here wears a modified version of the mask from Nightbreed, which, while I'm on the subject, what the hell are those masks made of?!  They look like hard plastic but then are some sort of weird fabric.  What is your secret?!

The Collection focuses on a nameless serial killer that has the news all atwitter.  While unconfirmed, it's believed that they kidnap at least one person from a scene.  One of the Collector's captives (Arkin) escapes at a night club slaying but he's replaced by the sole living woman.  This woman is apparently from a loaded family because some sort of mini-mercenary team lead by Lee Tergesen (Beecher from Oz, or Chett from the Weird Science TV show) grab the escapee and make him help find the Collector's hideout.  Then they force him inside despite his refusal.  Then it's some of the dumbest traps you've ever seen for about an hour.

This movie came out in 2012.  That's eight years after Saw, seven years after Hostel, and 17 years after Seven, and yet it still felt like it was ripping all of these movies off.  The traps were so absurd and overthought that they don't make any sense.  Tripwires are fine but three giant spikes coming down from the ceiling in a very specific spot seem a bit excessive.  This film also starts strangely similar to Blade.  Both have an underground nightclub where the audience knows everything is going bad.  The only difference is that while Blade had the "bloodbath," The Collection had a thresher from the front of a threshing machine just mow down an entire crowd of people.

While I'm complaining about things, I don't get the giant cubes of weird skeleton and body part things he made.  If they're just suspended in water then that would mean that the flesh would still decay in there, but if it's something like formaldehyde, well that shit would definitely not put a fire out.  It would make your face explode.  Explain this to me!  Honestly, explain to me anything this killer does because I don't get it.  He's eccentric just for eccentric sake and it stinks like a steak fart.

I did like how Arkin helped them find the hide out and his overall problem solving in this film.  Lee Tergesen is also a shining light in this darkness, but he has to die for the good of all mankind.  He's too pure for this world.

I give The Collection 1 Decker from Nightbreed out of 5: