Gallowwalkers (2012) 1h 30m

Mother fucking Wesley Snipes!  Fuckin' Blade!  Mother fucking Simon Phoenix!  A man that has vanished from the public eye (except for the one time my friend was his Uber driver).  He's back!  Or at least he was back in 2012 with today's film.  Is my excitement warranted?  Does Snipes live up to my hype?  Does this film do him justice and vice versa?  Ehhhh......

Gallowwalkers (yes, all one word) takes us to the old west where a badass looking Mr. Snipes is hunting down a specific individual all while doing Sub Zero head-rip fatalities and being a rad cowboy.  We come to find that the man he's looking for is a strangely skinless person that steals the flesh from a young man and harasses a cult known as Enoch's Hammer.  His actions are all because he thinks that Mr. Snipes killed his son.  Wesley picks up a sidekick at some point and then everyone meets on the farm where our hero was raised for some final gun shooting and rock throwing.

Okay, real talk, as hyped as I have been sounding with this review, this film isn't that great.  Wesley Snipes looks cool but when he talks it feels lackluster for someone that is meant to be a shoot-first-growl-talk-later type of guy.  As a "presence" though, he kills it.

The plot and character design are what saves Gallowwalkers for me.  If this were just a bunch of jagoffs in cowboy hats shooting each other because of "reasons" then I would've counted this as a total loss.  Instead we have men that steal the skin of other men (and in one case, lizards), carrying around a crucified mummy, all while hunting down Wesley Snipes.  On the other side we have sick dreadlock and grey-in-the-right-places Wesley hunting them down in return and ripping people's heads and spines off to satisfy his own revenge, and counter the curse upon him.

I made this movie sound sick as hell again...

I give Gallowwalkers 3 Simon Phoenix's out of 5:

Kill or Be Killed (2015) 1h 43m

You can't outrun the washing machine is more like it.  For the 1900's, these people all have impeccably clean clothes.  Even the prisoner chain gain building the railroad at the beginning were taken away by Calgon.  I guess that just matches their well trimmed or shaved facial hair and perfect coifs, but they did put some dirt on their faces (just not their hands).  Oh, also, this isn't a fucking horror movie Netflix!  Get your shit together!

Kill or Be Killed follows a group of bandits in search of a hidden stash of money from a previous heist.  They start the journey by robbing a church and shooting their way out.  In the process they kill two priests.  This is important for the end, otherwise... you know... whatever.  Their journey west (or further west...) ends each night with one of the members dying in growing violent fashions.  Each body has a strange circular symbol on their arm.

As the nights progress. their leader continues to hear a bell ding in the darkness and every day he loses his mind greater and greater.  In the end he is the only one left.  He fakes his own death which leads to a boy walking out of the tall grass.  He then marks the man's arm as he jumps up from the ground and tussles with the kid.  Eventually he breaks the boy's neck and staggers until he finds the treasure.  He passes out from exhaustion to find the boy watching him.  He is left for dead by the kid who ends up being the brother of the other boy that was just killed and the son of one of the priests killed in the beginning.  See, that shit comes back!  But in that uncomfortable way... like herpes... except you can't just turn off or rate herpes with a thumbs down in hopes of getting less herpes.

So, not a horror film.  Maybe a thriller-ish type thing?  Barely a western.  Horses, revolvers, and racist terms for Native Americans don't make westerns... wait... maybe they did.  That's all John Wayne films were, right?  I always cared more about the Eastwood Dollars trilogy.

I give Kill or Be Killed 0 adorable pictures I found when Google image searching "cowboy ghost" out of 5:

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