All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) 1h 30m

The title of this is kind of misleading.  The boys don't really "love" Mandy Lane, but that sounds better than "All the Boys Think With Their Dicks and Objectify Mandy Lane As Some Sort of Reverse Sword in the Stone, Where the Swords are their Dicks and the Stone Is Her Lady Parts."  Fuckin' teenage boys are gross.  I feel shame that I was ever a teenage male, and I don't even like women!  They have cooties!

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane focuses around (surprise surprise) Mandy Lane!  When her best friend (at the time) convinces the biggest of jocks that to woo Mandy he must drunkenly jump from the roof of his house into the pool, things don't quite work out that way.  One massive head trauma and a year later finds their friendship a thing of the past, and Mandy's current friends are inviting her to a farmhouse for a end of junior year party.  En route to the party, every male that isn't around Mandy at the time makes their intention known that they want to attempt to parade their dick through her thorofare.  At least, those are the plans until people start dying.

Straight up (now tell me) this movie is awful.  It's filler in the sense that (I assume) this studio had space to crap something out and we got this.  If this film were a bit older it would've been straight to VHS with a cover that would be a million times cooler than this movie could ever hope to be.  The plot is incredibly generic and predictable.  It's a b-movie with a budget and because of that it suffers the fate of looking nice while suffering greatly on content.

Most of these actors look like if they showed up for a high school junior class then the cops would be called on them.  What's even worse is that at the party in the beginning of the film, for the end of the sophomore year, the jock guy looks like he's someone's fucking dad!  This movie should be called  "Hello, Child Protective Services?  A group of adults are creeping in our high school and all the men seem like they're potential rapists!"  Fuckin' trash flavored trash!

I give All the Boys Love Mandy Lane 0 Mandy Ln street signs out of 5:

Teeth (2007) 1h 34m

One of my go-to jokes when people ask me why I'm gay (as if there were some quick-time event that I hit the "dicks" button for) is because "vaginas have teeth."  While I know this isn't true, I think that the idea of something like human teeth (especially baby teeth) inside of the vulva causes most people to cringe.  So when we're given a film like Teeth, does it have the bite to it that we're looking for?  I'm sorry, that was terrible.

Okay, here's what you need to know about Teeth.  A teenage girl that grew up near a Photoshopped set of nuclear cooling towers is one of the faces for the local abstinence and purity ring group.  The state that they live in puts giant gold stickers over the female sex organs in their school books so our virginal girl doesn't know that she has the dreaded Vaginal Dentata!  It's a real mythological thing so look it up if you're bored. Eventually she begins to give in to temptation only to find herself about to be sexually assaulted when her extra chompers tear off her attacker's dick.  The rest of this film is her learning to actually use them for her greater good!  Seriously.

Here are my takeaways from this movie: 1) All men are indeed scum, 2) virginity is still not a real thing and is only a social construct in which parents lie to their children that "love" is the only thing that makes sex pleasurable, 3) I forgot that purity rings are meant to be a placeholder for a wedding ring which made me unreasonable annoyed.

Teeth started out as the b-movie it knew it was but by the third act wanted to take a more serious role and that ends up killing it for me.  I don't feel like the heel-turn was needed with the guy that she has pleasurable sex with.  I don't think the stuff with the mother was necessary, even as a vehicle of you sinned and this is your punishment.  And I don't think we needed a huge set-up to make her step brother an even bigger piece of shit.  Speaking of which, once again we get terrible tattoos that look as though they were drawn in by a marker just before the call of "action!"  Stop that shit!  Look at someone with tattoos!  If you need reference I'll send you pictures of my arms (or more if you want to pay... but I'm not cheap!).

I don't know.  I wasn't expecting much and I was let down.  It's sad too because I was onboard when I hit play.  I love terrible b-movies!  It was here, the plot was here!  It started out like it!  Then you tried and it ruined everything!  Let this be a lesson!  Don't try anything!  Just do it!

I give Teeth 1 dental dummy out of 5: