Teeth (2007) 1h 34m

One of my go-to jokes when people ask me why I'm gay (as if there were some quick-time event that I hit the "dicks" button for) is because "vaginas have teeth."  While I know this isn't true, I think that the idea of something like human teeth (especially baby teeth) inside of the vulva causes most people to cringe.  So when we're given a film like Teeth, does it have the bite to it that we're looking for?  I'm sorry, that was terrible.

Okay, here's what you need to know about Teeth.  A teenage girl that grew up near a Photoshopped set of nuclear cooling towers is one of the faces for the local abstinence and purity ring group.  The state that they live in puts giant gold stickers over the female sex organs in their school books so our virginal girl doesn't know that she has the dreaded Vaginal Dentata!  It's a real mythological thing so look it up if you're bored. Eventually she begins to give in to temptation only to find herself about to be sexually assaulted when her extra chompers tear off her attacker's dick.  The rest of this film is her learning to actually use them for her greater good!  Seriously.

Here are my takeaways from this movie: 1) All men are indeed scum, 2) virginity is still not a real thing and is only a social construct in which parents lie to their children that "love" is the only thing that makes sex pleasurable, 3) I forgot that purity rings are meant to be a placeholder for a wedding ring which made me unreasonable annoyed.

Teeth started out as the b-movie it knew it was but by the third act wanted to take a more serious role and that ends up killing it for me.  I don't feel like the heel-turn was needed with the guy that she has pleasurable sex with.  I don't think the stuff with the mother was necessary, even as a vehicle of you sinned and this is your punishment.  And I don't think we needed a huge set-up to make her step brother an even bigger piece of shit.  Speaking of which, once again we get terrible tattoos that look as though they were drawn in by a marker just before the call of "action!"  Stop that shit!  Look at someone with tattoos!  If you need reference I'll send you pictures of my arms (or more if you want to pay... but I'm not cheap!).

I don't know.  I wasn't expecting much and I was let down.  It's sad too because I was onboard when I hit play.  I love terrible b-movies!  It was here, the plot was here!  It started out like it!  Then you tried and it ruined everything!  Let this be a lesson!  Don't try anything!  Just do it!

I give Teeth 1 dental dummy out of 5:

The Reaping (2007) 1h 39m

 

I love films that involve Satanic cults.  I dig this plot device because it's always more in line with some sort of hold-over "Satanic panic" idea of Satanism as opposed to LaVey Satanism or  Luciferianism.  It's as if everything has to be the extreme opposite of anything that people view as holy.  I also love biblical references, especially when it comes to something like the 10 plagues of Egypt.  This film served up both of these, so how well does it deliver?

The Reaping follows Katherine, an ex-priest that spends her time going to sites of assumed miracles and debunking them through scientific means.  As an aside, I would 100% be down for this as a career.  Katherine gets a call from a friend/priest warning her that photos he has of her burned themselves into a backwards Blue Oyster Cult logo and this is a sign of something to come.  She is then called to the town of Haven, Louisiana (it doesn't exist, I checked) because their river has turned to blood.  During her investigation the other plaugues continue to manifest all while she uncovers a secret Satanic cult attempting to bring about the Anti-Christ.

I liked this movie more than I should have.  The random made up prophecy of bringing about the Anti-Christ was cheesy in a good way.  Katherine's back story could've been flushed out a bit better because her reason for leaving the cloth comes from such an extreme situation it's hard to believe.  It mainly exists so we have a reason for the friend-priest to be in this film and be in contact with her.  The Reaping pulls a twist and an ending reveal, both of which caught me off guard.  So kudos to you 11-year-old movie.

I give The Reaping 4 BOC albums out of 5:

Day 10: Beneath (2007) 1h 22m

Probably the only thing that causes my body to clench, aside from seeing "A Syfy Original," is seeing "MTV movie."  So after seeing this I sat on my couch and braced for impact.  Luckily the plane righted itself and I was treated to a comfortable flight.

Beneath reminded me a bit of Twin Peaks.  Our main gal pal tends to have "black out" episodes where she continually returns to the same section of the house she used to live in.  She also sketches things from this dreams or moments and during the course of the film they start to sync up with real life events.  How does this remind me of Twin Peaks?  The continuous return made me think of the red room Agent Cooper kept going to in his sleep.  At one point I expected the girl in the scene to turn around and talk backwards.  The sketches don't relate but it's part of the story.  I'm writing a blog, not a dissertation.

Christy, our main character, returns home after being put in a mental treatment facility.  At age 14 Christy caused an auto accident that lead to her sister being trapped in the car and then burned by the car catching fire.  I have no clue why the car caught fire... or more specifically why the back seat caught on fire, before being engulfed in flames.  Her sister lived but was disfigured and receiving treatment from her boyfriend/local big shot hospital doctor.  Eventually her sister dies and Christy freaks out at the funeral home after hearing her sister and screams about her being alive.  This sets the plot as Christy believes her sister was buried alive.  You know what?  She was kind of half right but not really!

My chief complaint is that this movie blows it's load too early and you figure out what is actually going on.  On the plus side, this movie's pacing was so fast that time flew by while watching it.

I give Beneath 2 sketches of a rad dog out of 5: