Cabin Fever (2016) 1h 39m

I didn't realize until the end of this film that I was watching a remake of the original movie.  They literally took the script from the Eli Roth original and did a re-shoot.  Was this really necessary?  I know I'm jumping into the shit talk on this way to early but for real?  It's not like you were rebooting the property or anything.  It's only made worse because I'm not really a fan of the original Cabin Fever to begin with.

If you're unfamiliar with the plot, a group of college kids rent a cabin in the country.  Early on we know that there is some sort of viral or bacterial outbreak based on an exploding dog named Pancakes.  After one of these college jag bags finds a gun at the cabin and accidentally shoots an infected man in the woods.  The man finds his way to their cabin where he vomits blood everywhere before being set on fire and runs off to dive into the local reservoir.  The disease begins to develop in our cabin kids and they all end up dead, one way or the other.

Neither this, nor the original are really scary as far as horror movies go.  They really get classified as body-horror for the squick feelings you get from seeing huge wet open sores or someone shaving their legs and literally shaving off strips of flesh.  The latter of which I don't remember seeing in this re-make.  I covered the prequel movie Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero a while ago but it doesn't add much to the lore.  It just makes me wonder what Sean Astin needed the money for.

Here is my head cannon for why this film even exists: Travis Z tells Eli Roth he wants to direct a movie but doesn't have the background to do anything big.  Eli Roth figures that Cabin Fever was his big breakout so he gives Travis Z the script, says he'll produce it, and assumes that lightning will strike twice.  Instead it hit a small child off to the side and both Eli and Travis are labeled as witches and burned at the stake.  The End.

I give the 2016 remake of Cabin Fever 1 Eli Roth PETA ad out of 5:

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (a.k.a. Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero) (2014) 1h 31m

If you would've asked me (before I looked up the answer) if I thought this was another movie that just happened to have the Cabin Fever name slapped on it (as most of the later Hellraiser movies have been) then I would've said yes.  The truth of the matter is that this is a cannon part of the franchise and also meant to be a prequel.

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is set on a remote island off of some Spanish speaking nation.  I assume it's Mexico because we're treated to a group of bachelor party jag bags that hire a boat to take them to this remote island.  Unknown to them the island is a research facility that's holding Sean Astin until he agrees to make Goonies 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Sean Astin is actually the typhoid Mary of this situation in that he carries the virus that causes you to turn into a fleshless mess.  The party people get into the facility after two of the people are infected and shit is an absolute mess from there.

This movie was bad.  Just that.  A simple four sentence description, or I can do it in one. CRAP!  There were two good parts to this whole film, and one of them happens during the credit sequence.  At that point we're shown in reverse how Mr. Astin infected the facility using a mouse covered in his blood.  That was legitimately well done.  the other is when an infected man with a gun tries to shoot one of our party people and the recoil from the gun snaps his hand off at the wrist and the combo shoots straight into his skull.  Otherwise, nothing new.  Also, the original Cabin Fever was just a dead vagrant in the water supply.  I don't remember it being any sort of weird zombie virus, unless I missed that part somehow.

I give Cabin Fever: Patient Zero 0 copies of The Hobbit out of 5:

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