The Snorkel (1958) 1h 14m

Could there be a dumber name for a movie?  The Snorkel.  Fuck you!  You can snorkel this dick!  I'm not even sure what that means but that's how frustrated I am with yet another film coming to us from the cheap as fuck Hammer Films set I got at a Wal-Mart.  You know, the land of bottomless $5 DVD bins and overpriced animated films.  DROP THE FUCKING PRICE ON HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1 & 2 ALREADY YOU BASTARDS!

You have me confused with that guy
from Are You Being Served?

Unlike our other Hammer Films, The Snorkel doesn't start with a creeper in the bushes but the creeper is already in the house!  A man has drugged his wife to make her pass out and then tapes up the entire room (doors, windows, etc) in order to blow out the gas lamps and have her die as an apparent suicide.  Why he didn't just drug her and make it seem like that was the suicide is beyond me.  He has hooked up a mask and snorkel to outside pipes and hides in the floor to complete his elaborate faked suicide plot.  When she is found everyone assumes she did kill herself.  Everyone except for her teenage daughter who is apparently Nancy fucking Drew because she puts everything together pretty quick and then it's the step-daughter vs. the murderer for who will come out on top.

While a much dumber premise than anything I've watched recently, I was invested for no reason other than I wanted to see how the hell the girl put everything together.  She never figures out the hiding in the floor but it is given away to her at the end.  Speaking of which, always have a fucking back door, or at least an axe or something in case you get stuck.  You know, since you're hiding in floors all the time.

All in all, The Snorkel is a big bag of meh.  Once again, solid acting performance from all involved, and this film has my favorite opening credit now which is "John Holmes dog "Flush" as "Toto" because that dog deserves a fucking credit!

I give The Snorkel 1 hunky scuba diver out of 5:

The Canal (2014) 1h 32m

Ireland.  All I really know about it, from the top of my head, is the following:  A history of strong political discord and activism, potatoes, the WWE wrestler Sheamus, and the stereotype of Boston police being Irish.  I'm sure there's more but right now I'm too lazy to attempt to recall additional info.  Why am I even rambling about Ireland right now?  It's because today's film comes from the Emerald Isles!

The Canal focuses on a family of three, at least until they become a family of two.  The husband, in the course of his archivist work, finds that their home has a history of strange murders in it.  In his paranoid husband work he finds his wife having an affair.  After stumbling into a toilet that makes Trainspotting blush, he sees a strange man attack his cheating wife.  Unable to save her, or stay conscious, he comes to and calls the police.  The cops assume it's him, he begins to think it's the ghost of a man that haunts his house, and his sanity seems to dangle from a thread.  Was it ghosts?  Was it his own cracking mental state?  Was it a ghost that flew up his ass and used him like a murder puppet?  This is where I would make a "C-anal" joke but I'm trying to avoid it.

 There's the old adage of "children should be seen and not heard," and when it comes to celluloid there are definitely some kids that I feel should not have been given the opportunity to be on film.  I bring this up because the child in The Canal has perfected his mumble-core acting at such a young age that it ruined scenes for me.  I didn't even have an issue with his accent, just his annunciation of words.  Plus he's one of those kids that his acting just doesn't seem to fit the emotion of the moment.  I feel bad for talking shit on him though because he's young so there's a lot of room for improvement over time.  Hang in there kid!

One thing that I did love about this film was the very ending of it.  I mention time and time again on here when a movie tips its hand and I see the ending coming early but the very end of this film caught me by surprised and I got super hyped on it.  Honestly.  It went down and I yelled "OOOOOOOO RAD!" at the TV, and then the movie was over.  This isn't the kind of film though where I could just tell you to watch the ending though because the whole is greater than some of its parts.  I'm not saying this is a perfect film, it reminded me a bit too much of the first season of American Horror Story, but I'm not going to write this one off.

I give The Canal 2.5 flags of Ireland out of 5:

Sweet Home (2015) 1h 20m

I don't know how, but there has been an obvious trope in both horror films and video games that I've been overlooking until now.  It may already have a name, but for this blog I'm going to refer to it as the Boss Fight trope.  Basically the viewer/player is given a standard bad guy.  You see them as being the primary evil that the protagonist(s) have to overcome.  Suddenly a much larger bad guy is revealed and his introduction is spent quickly destroying the already established bad guys just to show how fucking evil this one really is.  There are no loyalties except to chaos or destruction brought by itself... and now you're fucked!

That's too good of a set up for what Sweet Home really is.  It's a home invasion movie where it isn't even the protagonists' home. They're in a mostly abandoned building where they thought it would be okay to celebrate one of their birthdays there.  We're given a quick introduction of text explaining that in Spain, real estate progress causes people to leave their home by choice, force, or a more sinister third option.  It's murder.  I'm spoiling that for you right now.  I wish it was something like demonic possession but it's literally just murder.

Our protagonist couple get stuck in this building when three people come to murder an old man that's holding out.  The couple take two of the three out and trap the third.  This is when we get introduced to the Boss Fight and their "back-up" comes and cuts up the third guy while he's trapped.  Then he freezes the bodies with liquid nitrogen and crushes them with a hammer.  Finally he sweeps them into garbage bags.  Shit is pro.  It's so pro that it's created its own tier, it's godlike.  The rest of the film is the couple trying to survive and escape.

This film really wasn't that great.  The major bad guy was interesting in how methodical his work was.  It was precise and emotionless.  He's just shy of being considered a "slasher" because, in the end, he was still just human.  Everything else here was just flat.  Stare out as the highway goes into the horizon flat...

I give Sweet Home 1 gingerbread house out of 5:

A Haunting at Silver Falls (2013) 1h 36m

I feel like I'm watching the same movie over and over during this Cut.  What is the appeal of teenage girls either being possessed or being the person that sees a ghost?  Then why do you spend a bunch of time trying to make it seem that those around them think they're having a mental issue?  I feel like the horror genre needs to put an unspoken ban on this plot base to make people do actual work and come up with something new and creative.  While I'm complaining here, can we also get rid of the big twist ending at in the last ten minutes of the film?  It's not good.  We all liked the reveal in the Sixth Sense, but since then it's been downhill, even for Mr. M. Night Shamballahdragon.

A Haunting at Silver Falls focuses around a girl that moves from L.A. to South Dakota after her father's death.  She moves in with her aunt and her aunt's boyfriend/husband/sub (I'm not sure).  After finding a ring in the woods she begins to see ghost girls.  Our first real experience with the ghosts is some sort of weird Enter Sandman scene where the ghost tries to take the ring off the girls finger and then eats all her Ferrero Rochers.  Seriously.  Ghosts don't need to be on a fuckin' diet.

We come to learn that these girls were murdered by their dad, but that's not the truth and there are three rings that when put together the truth is discovered.  I would much rather Captain Planet comes out.  That's the only reference I can think of with rings, aside from maybe Mandarin which is less interesting that Captain Planet.

This movie was just recycled crap.  Boring recycled crap.  The ghost girls looked good if you want a zombie version of possessed Regan from the Exorcist.  The acting was okay.  The character development was all a bag of floppy dicks though.  I hated everyone in this movie.  The dorky guy that is kind of her boyfriend is an asshole, the "cool" guy is an asshole, all the adults are assholes, our main girl is just annoying.  If I could do ADR for the DVD release of this film I would make it so every time someone opened their mouths a fart noise would come out.  Then I'd market it as the comedy of the year and sell it for the same age group as that shitty Indian horror from was from last Cut.

I give A Haunting at Silver Falls 1 picture of the Silver Falls out of 5 for being visually well done:

enter sandman but the ghost eats all the ferro roches

Housebound (2014) 1h 47m

Hi kids!  Do you like twists?  Do you want more twists than an M. Night Shammalammadingdong movie?  Oh man do we have something special for you!  So special I'm using this .jpg from the movie to pretty much show how I felt for most of this film.

I'm more of the woman on the left than the bloody woman...

Housebound started out really slow.  I wasn't sure if this was meant to be a horror film or a dry British horror-comedy.  I think it was the second option here.  We start with a botched ATM robbery which leads to our main character being sentenced to 8-months house arrest at her mother's house.  At first it seems that the house is haunted.  We see a ghost arm, hear some weird stories, find out this place used to be a halfway house where a murder was committed, and experience tons of electrical issues.

It's not ghosts, but we find that out later.

It's assumed the weird neighbor committed the murder, and we waste time on that for a bit.  He's only good for plot info about Eugene.  Who is Eugene?  He's the guy that has lived in the walls of their house for like fucking ever!  But he wasn't the murderer...

The murderer ends up being the therapist that is there to help our girl rehabilitate or something during her house arrest.  He was on some sort of internship or fellowship at the halfway house and killed a girl after an incident.  His head eventually explodes though so it works out.

This movie started out at a snail's pace.  So much so that I invested in watching one of our cats play with his toy bat.  It was adorable and a much better watch for the first 15 minutes.  Otherwise though, when this film starts to peak it stays at that point for a while.  I may or may not watch this again if given the chance.  I'm not sure.  You do get to see a cheese grater used as an actual weapon, so that's a plus.

I give Housebound 2 ankle monitors out of 5:

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Day 6: 31 (2016) 1h 42m

So I'm pulling an audible for today's film.  If you happened to watch my Halloween special post (you can see it here) you know that I'm a fan of Rob Zombie films.  Luckily for me, 31 came out on DVD just before XXX-mas and it was gifted to me from my fiancé.  So rather than roll for a film for this post I decided to pop 31 in and watch it.  Let's see what you've got, Mr. and Mrs. Zombie!

31 revolves around a group of carnie folk that get attacked and kidnapped.  They find themselves thrust into a game of "31" (which I assume is called that because it happens on Halloween).  The object of the game is simple: survive 12 hours inside of some sort of basement labyrinth while psychos dressed as clowns attempt to kill them.  While all of this is going on, Malcolm McDowell and two women are dressed in powdered faces, wigs, and old French noble clothes while they watch and listen in on the whole scene.

This film had two other versions that existed at some point.  The MPAA gave those versions NC-17 ratings until this final cut had an R rating.  The MPAA is a group of random shit sacks.  I don't mean just a bag full of feces, I mean actual scrotums full of feces that lead to some imaginary dick to fire shitty loads.  Censor that assholes!

I can't say that 31 was better in its original form as I haven't seen that.  I will say that it feels like Rob Zombie is running out of tricks when it comes to his directing.  A lot of the shots were similar to those that existed in his prior films.  They feel less like a signature for him and more along the lines of a madlib that he keeps writing the same thing in for every space.  I liked the acting in it and everyone interacted well with each other.  Malcolm McDowell steals the show every time he is on screen and I really wish I knew more of the back story of his group.

I think my biggest complaint though is that I had a lot of moments where I would become suddenly invested in the characters or scene only to have the scene become drawn out or the next shot slow the pace too a crawl.  It was a bell curve of being a bit bored, then getting really into 31, then bored again, repeat.  That isn't to say that I didn't like 31 though.

There were some great kill shots.  One of the guys falls on top of a chainsaw that is running (I'm not sure how without someone holding the trigger) for a long ass kill scene.  In addition to that, the first killer is a Spanish speaking little person with nazi body paint and a room devoted to Hitler... which, honestly, the killers' personalities were great, but this one was one of those things where he should've pulled back just a bit.  I think it's Tim Gunn that said that while you are accessorizing you should always remove the last thing you put on because it was probably overkill.  Then there's Doom-head who is such a weird sleazebag and I hate/love his character, all in a good way.

So I think that this isn't Rob Zombie's best film.  It's not a bad film, but I just don't know who this film was really made for.  It makes me want to watch Battle Royal, or The Running Man, or Slashers (the 2001 film) because it's kind of the same premise.  I will end this saying that there is a great nod to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in this film.  At least I hope it was a nod...

I give 31 2 ceramic ass clowns out of 5:

Day 2: Necrophobia (Necrofobia) (2014) 1h 15m

 
This movie wasn't really horror in a new dimension.  It's more of a horror/thriller in a dimension of things I've seen done before, just in Spanish! Think Fight Club, but instead of fighting it's a man having a nervous breakdown... AND MURDER! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Our guy, Dante, found his brother dead of an overdose.  From there he spirals into this odd mixture of time anomalies and dealing with a man in a black coat and hat he thinks is his dead brother.  During the course of this film Dante's (separated) wife is murdered and this sets the deaths in motion.  Dante runs around like an ass and eventually has a real confrontation with the man in black.  It's actually a part of him buried inside (not surprised) and the film pretty much starts over with him in the know.

This film isn't really worth watching.  It wasn't bad.  It just wasn't that interesting.  I can't even make jokes because this shit was just bland.  Fuckin' mayo on white bread boring.

I give Necrophobia 0 pairs of Guy Fieri looking scissors out of 5:

Day 21: Rubber (2010) 1h 22m

Sometimes you really want something, and you hope and hope and hope that it'll happen.  I was doing that with Rubber.  I was hoping and hoping that this would come up at some point in doing this blog.  Every time I would pass it I felt this want, this desire, to see this film with a murder tire just to understand it.  Why did you haunt me tire?!  WHHHHHYYYYYY?

In truth, 2010's Rubber isn't really meant to be understood.  The very first thing we're treated to is a speech about how some things are really nothing and there is no real reason for why certain things happen or exist in film.  It's a good way to set the entire concept of a sentient tire that either has a psychokinesis or maybe a sound/air pressure ability to make things explode.  I don't recall if it gets explained.

After our speech we are introduced to the "audience."  They are literally a group of spectators that are part of the movie, but watching the movie and commenting on it from a hilltop.  All but one are poisoned but the movie is only allowed to end once they're all dead.  So the film continues.

I think that if this film attempted to be serious, it would fail terribly.  Instead, they knew exactly what they were doing.  They were making a film about a murder tire, and so they had fun with it.  They do a great job of making the tire have these horror movie moments, such as being in a shower to scare a maid.  For what it was, I liked it.  It wasn't amazing, I'm not running out to buy it, but I enjoyed it and I'll tell other people to watch it at least once, just to watch it.

I give Rubber 3 Road Kill Cafe menus out of 5:

Day 21: Wolf Creek 2 (2013) 1h 46min

My life is composed of sequels of which the originals I have never seen!  After watching Wolf Creek 2 there are two conclusions I have come to: 1) I might go back and watch Wolf Creek 1; 2) The Outback is fucking frightening!  Unless it's Outback Steakhouse, then it's just tame and fake with mediocre steaks.  That rhymes so it must be true!

For the most part I spent a majority of this movie thinking that if this were set in say, Alabama, and some xenophobic redneck were killing off foreigners then people would view it totally differently.  Luckily for us, this is set in Australia where xenophobic redneck Aussies aren't a worry for those of us in the states!

Wolf Creek 2 is loosely based off an actual Australian serial killer, kind of in the way that Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based off of a serial killer.  The main difference being that TCM goes deeper into a more horror-horror sense and WC2 goes into the realistic-horror.  So this film tricks us into thinking we're following a German tourist couple that is hitch hiking across Australia.  Now, I lost my shit instantly because there are a fuck ton of species living in Australia that will pretty much kill you.... possibly included that thing from the movie Species that wants to have your baby!  So I'm not down with this jaunt across fuck-all.

Truthfully the couple is worthless aside from making us read subtitles a bunch.  The real person we tend to follow is the killer himself, who looks like how you would picture the Australian version of an American redneck.  Throughout this film he kills two cops, the German couple, an elderly couple, and has a trap that ends up killing our jump scare girl.  Speaking of her, definitely a good and frightening jump scare.

Our focus shifts to an English chap that gets tangled up with the killer.  In his escape we see just how fucked up this murderer is because they're in some sort of catacombs where there are just tons of bodies chained up, dead, rotting, and some have christmas lights!  Happy holidays, fucker!

Our new hero does survive, but not after being fucked up (and possibly fucked) by our psycho.  This film was good.  It had just the right length for its peaks and valleys of action/suspense.  I will say though that it feels like two short films that got spliced together to make one long film.  This shit felt epic in length.  It could've ended midway through but they eventually wanted a torture porn scene so they drug it out.

I give Wolf Creek 2, 2.5 Paul Hogans out of 5:

Day 18: Hayride 2 (2015) 1h 32min

So once again I roll a sequel to a film that I hadn't seen the previous installment(s).  Luckily for me it seems like this movie probably came up short in the editing procedure and they spliced in a ton of stuff from the first movie so I got a good idea of what the back story was.

Apparently this town has a legend of a murderer named "Pitckfork," aptly named because his murder weapon of choice is said farming implement.  Pitchfork himself looks like Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th Part 2.  He's an oversized man wearing a burlap sack as a mask and he apparently can not be easily harmed by conventional weapons.  So in short, he's a cliché.

The film picks up right where I assume the first leaves off.  Pitchfork is unconscious in an ambulance, wakes up, killing begins.  The people from the first movie are all at the hospital where Pitchfork ends up (even though the ambulance was a ways away from there).  He kidnaps the one girl, fucks up another dude, kills a bunch of people, and the manhunt begins.

The detective(?) and the brothers in this film track him to his not-so-secret basement, free the girl, and there's a good nod to Nightmare On Elm Street.  One of the brothers that was scared of the legend of Pitchfork tells Pitchfork that he's no longer afraid of him.  It's much like where Freddy looses his power because Nancy says she is not afraid and takes back every bit of power she ever gave him.  At this Pitchfork was shot by the other brother and the house burns down while the heroes escape.

Following the general rules of a slasher movie, we're treated to an ending where everyone thinks everything is okay but Pitchfork steps into the last shot. I don't really care if they make a Hayride 3.  If they pick up the third exactly from that point as it seemed that they did from Hayride 1 to Hayride 2, then it could be interesting.  But I will never know as I won't watch it.

This film started okay and had promise, but once it got to the hospital stuff with Pitchfork it became a drone of forced kills and bad plot.  A majority of this movie is definitely re-recorded and overdubbed dialogue.  It's the same words syncing with the lips, but the audio gives it away.  Pitchfork is pretty much just a redneck Jason.  I was looking at IMDB's page for this movie and apparently owner of the house the pictures are from hid a rebel flag in the background of a shot and the writers decided to make it cannon that Pitchfork was a racist and then ran with it.  So much to the point that our only black man in the film Pitchfork attempts to hang in a lynching style.  It felt unnecessary.  This series feels unnecessary.

I give Hayride 2, 1 weird pitchfork farmer clip art pics out of 5: