Boys in the Trees (2016) 1h 52m

Initially I wasn't sure if this movie was set in the 90's or if Australia is somehow two decades behind us when it comes to music.  It was probably one of my least valid thoughts about Australia ever, not that I'm thinking about Australia a lot.  It's not like I sit by the phone waiting for Australia to return my calls.  We only went on one date after all...

Boys in the Trees is set in 1997, just so we're all on the same page.  Of course the soundtrack of Marilyn Manson, The Presidents of the United States of America, and Rammstein should tip you off that we're in that decade... or that you're riding in my car.  Being that this isn't in my car, you're in Australia where a bunch of skater kids are dicks to another boy (Jonah).  We find out that our main character (Corey) was once friends with the outcast but Corey ran away when Jonah needed him.  Later that evening Jonah wipes out a quarter pipe and hits his head.  He convinces Corey to walk him home but their journey takes them further down memory lane than initially thought.  The whole time things seem off with Jonah.  It isn't until we reach the end of the journey do we find out why.

This isn't a horror movie.  It's a hard drama that just happens to have a small supernatural reveal.  However, this film does a really good job of making you feel as though something is going to jump out at you.  Stories of ghosts, shadows of wolves, and ominous visuals trick your mind into expecting the spook that never comes.  The fact it's Halloween night only adds to this false tension, especially when we encounter the gang of skater miscreants.

I'm not going to spoil it, but there's a really good moment at the end where the "leader" of the skaters does something out of character and the other skaters all remove their Halloween masks.  It's very much a "under this monstrous exterior they're still just lost boys" moment, but it creates such a sense of change in that world.  Or maybe it's a sense of self-realization among that group.  Either way, it makes the overall ending that much stronger.  At least to me.  You might totally hate that kind of thing, but then the real monster was you all along!

I give Boys in the Trees 3.5 boy in tree Hummels out of 5:

The Babadook (2014) 1h 33m

This is my second time watching The Babadook.  I saw it not long after it came out and didn't understand what all the fuss was about.  So when it came up for this website I realized that I needed to check my shit at the door and give this film an honest chance to see if maybe, four years later, this film had something that I missed.  Don't get me wrong, I missed or forgot about a lot, but do I still think this film is a Babadookie?

The Babadook is a visual representation of anxiety and depression.  Everyone knows this by now.  A single mother and her six-year-old son are going through some hard times and a book titled The Babadook mysteriously ends up on their shelf.  It freaks them both the fuck out and from that moment the boy begins to claim that certain things are the Babadook's fault or that he is physically there.  The one thing he keeps telling his mother though is to not let him in... she shits the bed on that one.

A lot of the conversations I've had about this film have people pointing a finger at the boy and basically saying "that kid is a shit," or blaming him in part for his mother's problems.  Okay, first off, that kid is on the cusp of turning seven and built a backpack catapult and a crossbow out of random pieces of wood and string.  That's some incredibly intelligent shit for someone that age.  Other than that, he's just a typical child.  He hasn't developed proper tact, he is curious about all kinds of things, and if you don't pay attention then he may get into some shit.  On top of that, he realizes that there is something really wrong with his mother emotionally and attempts to comfort her and let her know that he won't leave her.

They're both dealing with the absence of his father (he died in a car accident while driving the mother to deliver the boy).  It just happens that as the birthday approaches it reminds her of what her life was meant to be (a writer), and what it became instead.  She also doesn't have a network of supportive individuals as her sister sucks and she hides the truth from her neighbor and coworker.  Her depression is so deep that she can't sleep, calls off work, ignores her child, and becomes a miserable person overall.  It's only once she realizes that she needs to get help and, for lack off a better metaphor in this film, stands up to her depression (The Babadook) does she begin to heal.

The Babadook is banished to the basement (where the father's stuff all remains) and she acknowledges it, feeds it worms, but doesn't let it rule her life anymore.  She's become a greater mother, neighbor, and person.  If only dealing with depression were as easy as yelling "THIS IS MY HOUSE!" and then giving your depression worms every so often...

This has been more of an analysis than a review.  I still don't really like The Babadook.  I think it's okay but I've touched on my dislike of "the real monster is mental illness!!!!" enough on this site.  The movie itself is just paced too slow and it felt like a slog, especially when I knew what the payoff was going to be.

I give The Babadook 1 Babadook Meme out of 5:

Red Christmas (2016) 1h 22m

Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I think that this might be the first movie that caused me to say "this movie sucks" out loud to an empty room.  It wasn't even a quiet comment.  It was an exclamation of dismay at the fact that I had resigned to sit and watch this movie.  It was my acquiescence to being the vehicle of my own of my own torment.  I know now what lead a samurai to commit seppuku in order to pay for his own sins so that he may hopefully redeem himself upon death.

Red Christmas is an Australian slasher flick where my suspension of disbelief went out the window from the start.  Opening on an abortion clinic where a someone set a bomb, we have a bucket slapped with a biohazard sticker contains a living baby... somehow.  I don't know what Australian abortion laws were 20 years ago, but I'm pretty sure third trimester abortions were not a voluntary option.  The bomber finds the bucket baby and leaves.  Twenty years later we get a family celebrating Christmas when a man wrapped in bandages and wearing a cloak shows up on their front step.  I wish it was Darkman because I would much rather watch Darkman.  It ends up being the aborted child of the family's matriarch.  Her choice for the abortion was because they already had a child with Down Syndrom and this baby was going to born with it as well.  On top of that, her husband was diagnosed with cancer (I think) and she couldn't handle the situation.  Not Darkman starts killing everyone because he isn't loved by his real mom.

This film was the hottest trash.  I felt like the entire thing was set up to be this big "Look at her!  She's the real bad guy because of her want of an abortion!"  We do get a view of the killer without his hood and bandages and I almost flipped a fucking table because they made him this horribly deformed creature.  I'm surprised the actor that legitimately had Down Syndrome didn't turn to the director and just go "are you fucking kidding me?" when it was revealed.  I couldn't handle this entire mess.  I actually have the note "fuck this entire film!"

The only shining light of Red Christmas comes from the kills.  We get a one-and-done axe blow that splits a woman in half, an amazing bear trap on the head kill, and a priest's rubber head shooting blood out of the eyes.  Look up a kill montage on YouTube or something and avoid the shit out of this film.

I give Red Christmas 1 copy of Darkman out of 5, only because of those kills:

The Pack (2015) 1h 30m

Australia is well known as one of those places where everything that can kill you pretty much lives there.  Land, sea, air, nowhere is safe.  So when people from Australia make a horror movie about packs of wild dogs then I assume they must have some insane steroid laced dogs using bath salts mixed with meth on their continent.

Unfortunately, The Pack doesn't go any further than a home invasion movie with dogs.  In addition to that, dogs are shit actors.  I'm pretty sure I mentioned this when I covered Cujo but you can't have a scary dog when the dog's posture is happy or submissive.  Just because you taught it to snarl doesn't change other dog behavior.

Also, this film isn't frightening in the least.  As i mentioned above, maybe in Australia it is but I was just bored through this.  Also, the daughter sucks in this.  She doesn't play any kind of major role but all she does is complain that she's stuck there and why can't she move to the city.  Mother fucker!  They're foreclosing on your house!  That's why you can't!  You need a job that doesn't rely on your parents or your parents' shit!  Maybe Millennials are the true horror... or whatever generation this girl counts for.  The fuckin' worst generation.  Damn, I'm old...

I give The Pack 0 adorable fluffy puppies out of 5:

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Day 21: Wolf Creek 2 (2013) 1h 46min

My life is composed of sequels of which the originals I have never seen!  After watching Wolf Creek 2 there are two conclusions I have come to: 1) I might go back and watch Wolf Creek 1; 2) The Outback is fucking frightening!  Unless it's Outback Steakhouse, then it's just tame and fake with mediocre steaks.  That rhymes so it must be true!

For the most part I spent a majority of this movie thinking that if this were set in say, Alabama, and some xenophobic redneck were killing off foreigners then people would view it totally differently.  Luckily for us, this is set in Australia where xenophobic redneck Aussies aren't a worry for those of us in the states!

Wolf Creek 2 is loosely based off an actual Australian serial killer, kind of in the way that Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based off of a serial killer.  The main difference being that TCM goes deeper into a more horror-horror sense and WC2 goes into the realistic-horror.  So this film tricks us into thinking we're following a German tourist couple that is hitch hiking across Australia.  Now, I lost my shit instantly because there are a fuck ton of species living in Australia that will pretty much kill you.... possibly included that thing from the movie Species that wants to have your baby!  So I'm not down with this jaunt across fuck-all.

Truthfully the couple is worthless aside from making us read subtitles a bunch.  The real person we tend to follow is the killer himself, who looks like how you would picture the Australian version of an American redneck.  Throughout this film he kills two cops, the German couple, an elderly couple, and has a trap that ends up killing our jump scare girl.  Speaking of her, definitely a good and frightening jump scare.

Our focus shifts to an English chap that gets tangled up with the killer.  In his escape we see just how fucked up this murderer is because they're in some sort of catacombs where there are just tons of bodies chained up, dead, rotting, and some have christmas lights!  Happy holidays, fucker!

Our new hero does survive, but not after being fucked up (and possibly fucked) by our psycho.  This film was good.  It had just the right length for its peaks and valleys of action/suspense.  I will say though that it feels like two short films that got spliced together to make one long film.  This shit felt epic in length.  It could've ended midway through but they eventually wanted a torture porn scene so they drug it out.

I give Wolf Creek 2, 2.5 Paul Hogans out of 5: