King of the Zombies (1941) 1h 7m

When I brought up this posting to write my review it only had a single note and it said "racist."  I'm letting you know that from the start because this film had a black character that was a step above the minstrel show "why yes sir I sees it" meant to be it's comic relief.  It's fucking 1941!  Ella Fitzgerald had recorded over 150 songs by this point.  Louis Armstrong was an established trumpet player and vocalist.  Nat King Cole released "Sweet Lorraine" the year before and your'e still bringing this weak shit like you've never talked to a black person before in Hollywood?!  Suck my dick!

Fuck everything in this picture!

King of the Zombies takes place on an island where, after becoming lost in the weather, James, Bill, and their friend/maybe servant Jeff end up crashing their plane on.  They find themselves being lead to the mansion of Dr. Sangre and he tells our group that they are welcome to stay and he has no knowledge of the radio signal that would've had them find the island.  Jeff is taken to the kitchen where the "servants" are working and he is told about the zombies that roam the island.  When he encounters them he runs up to tell Bill and James but it's all written off until his second encounter.  At this point Jeff is given a sleeping set-up in Bill and James' room but wakes to find the ghostly movements of Dr. Sangre's wife as she almost strangles one of the men and then vanishes through a secret passage in the wall.  The group then try to find out what's going on all while looking for a way off the island.  This racist fucking island.

Honestly, Jeff's character doesn't even need to exist in this film.  If you took him out then King of the Zombies couldn't function just the same and just as shitty as it already is.  This is the great-grandfather of the B-movie.  It's the one that you look at now and it has been put in one of those crooked nursing homes where the family only visits it on something like Christmas or Thanksgiving and the family preps the children ahead of going in with "remember he's from a different time so some of the things he might say or do aren't appropriate."  Then the kids are horrified by the grotesque racist skeleton-zombie of a film that smells like pee and uses the n-word to describe the orderly.  King of the Zombies needs to die old and lonely with nothing but the slow beeping of the heart monitor lulling it to the grave!

I give King of Zombies 0 tiny maps of the Caribbean out of 5:

Backcountry (2014) 1h 32m

This was almost it.  This was almost the "shit sandwich" review, but I watched the whole thing.  I can't believe I watched the whole thing...

Backcountry is a couple getting lost in the woods and then attacked by a bear.  It didn't have any real sense of survival.  It didn't draw me in to make me care about the characters.  The camera work was a mix of static, shoulder mounted shaky cam, and a few Go Pros which just made it a mess of trash.

If anything, Backcountry should serve as a warning on how not to hike trails and camp.  I'm not an avid woodsman but I enjoy camping and getting out of the city.  I was a Boy Scout in my teens.  A lot of this could have been avoided by simple back packing 101.  Did you need fancy potatoes to eat?  No.  Did you need a fucking map?  YES!

I give Backcountry 0 bear warning signs out of 5:

Day 16 (A PSA): Rings (2017) 1h 47m

If this movie were a table then I would flip it in disgust.  Have you ever been in a movie theater where you could feel how bored everyone else was around you?  I just have and holy shit was it bad.  I've labeled this as a PSA because under no circumstances should you see this movie.  As a fan of the Ringu series, I implore you to avoid this.  I think that the warning on the poster is in regards to this film, not the stupid fucking video.

Typical ring story:  Watch the video, phone call, die in seven days.  Samara will give you a stupid death face.  We switch out flies for cicadas.  Find her body... again?  Apparently one of the Big Bang Theory guys is a college professor who gets students to watch the tape, then have another watch a copy so the curse gets passed on and the first person lives... repeat.  The dumb thing is there are no attempts at a real explanation as to why you can't just cycle back and forth between people aside from the tedium it would bring.  Holt (unfortunately not Steve Holt) is Julia's boyfriend who vanishes for a bit after watching the tape.  She goes to find him, then she watches the tape to save his life.  Shit goes down.

By shit going down, I mean it goes down the fucking toilet.  This movie front-loaded anything of interest and then drags you through the remainder.  Not only is it dragging you, but it is very obviously showing you things only for one of the characters to have the realization 20 minutes later.  There's a part where Julia looks up at a bell and I thought "Oh, the ring, something is below the ground there."  Fucking 20 minutes later Julia suddenly had this realization and I lost my shit.  It is just moments of that over and over.  The priest, the ring, the mark on the hand, etc. etc.

I have never left a movie theater as angry as I was after Rings.  I want my fucking money back.  I not only want my money back, but I want my fiancé to get his money back for the snacks we bought and whatever my gas money was to drive there.  I want money for emotional damage caused by how bad this film is.  I want the other people in the theater to get their money back.  In fact, I want them to pay the money back to people that went to see other films out of pure shame for this movie even being in a theater.  Fuck this noise!  Rings fucking sucks.  Put that on your blu-ray box as a quote you turds!

I give Rings negative 5 copies of Ringu.

Day 22: Night of the Wild (2015) 1h 28min

As soon as I saw the opening CGI I knew I was suckered again.  SyFy/The Asylum's Night of the Wild is the equivalent of hitting your dick with a hammer for an hour and a half.  I'm not sure what the female version of that would be, but ladies, if you have one, it's that.

You never get explained the plot in this film.  There are meteors that break up in the Earth's atmosphere and leave large chucks of green glowing rock around.  Apparently these chunks emit a sound that cause dogs to go insane.  I'm guessing on this because the main girl's dog is supposed to be deaf and he's the only one that doesn't go nuts.  Like I said, not once do they attempt to explain what's up with the meteor chunks.  Hell, they don't even interact with them when they crash their truck into one.  Also, this movie takes place mostly in the day time.  When it's night all the goddamn dogs are sleeping!  Night of the fuck you!

There's nothing else to say about the movie's plot.  That's it.  Dogs that don't really seem like they want to be snarling at things wreck a bunch of people that obviously have the safety padding on their forearms.  That's the only spot the dogs attack!  For the close up shots they had one, FUCKING ONE, fake dog that looked like total shit.  Even for the half seconds you would see it you could tell it was fake.  In some cases it didn't even match the real dog's fur color.  Not that it mattered because they used the same kind of fake fur you find on cheap Halloween store props of rats n' shit.  I don't even need to go into the CGI on this film either.  I've had two to three other movies from these companies that I've already tackled on this blog.

Night of the Wild is bullshit.  Utter fucking bullshit.  Fuck this movie!

Night of the Wild gets 0 Dog the Bounty Hunters out of 5: