Night of the Death Cult (A.K.A. Night of the Seagulls) (1975) 1h 29m

Coming from another horror film 10-pack, but not the same 10-pack, we have Night of the Death Cult!  A film that is actually known as Night of the Seagulls but I'm told was something else.  Not only that, this is apparently an over watched VHS tape rip that is poorly overdubbed!  Yes! Get Into it!  Get into this fucking mess!

Night of the Death Cult is the final part of the Blind Dead series.  I don't know what the hell this series is but if all of these films are similar then they're bat shit crazy.  A cult of Knights Templar have been killing women and feeding the hearts of the victims to a strange frog statue.  In present day a village sacrifices seven women for seven days once a year.  The skeletal ghouls of the Knights Templar come and take the girls to continue their ritual.  A new doctor comes with his wife and the villagers treat them like shit until the secret comes to surface!  Oh, and the spirits of the sacrificed women turn into seagulls.  That's the seagull part.

Once the credits started I only had one reaction...

Honestly, this version of the film is terrible quality, but there wasn't much quality here to begin with.  I don't know if I need to watch the other films or if this is a stand-alone.  I still feel like the plot made very little sense.  Why were the Templars skeleton men that still need lady hearts?  Why did the village know of this?  Fire kills the skeletons but they can ride horses without a problem?  Why does that grocery store just have a basket of fruit and paper bags?!  FUCKING SEAGULLS?!

Don't watch this.  It's shit.  Fuck this shit!  FUCK IT SO FUCKING HARD IN ITS SHITTY VHS RIPPED BUTTHOLE!

I give Night of the Death Cult (a.k.a. Night of the Seagulls) 0 seagull dogs out of 5:

The Descent: Part 2 (2009) 1h 34m

When I covered the original Descent film in the last cut, I had one of those gut feelings that I was going to get stuck with its sequel sooner rather than later.  That's how Netflix works.  It tries to predict what you will want to watch based on what you have already viewed.  Unfortunately this is kind of a shit model because I end up watching a lot of crap for this website.  Keep in mind that I still roll dice to select these films so I can only assume that Netflix either is or is in cahoots with some sort of demonic entity hellbent on making me watch trash.  Like a less goofy Dr. Forrester.

The Descent Part 2 picks up pretty much where The Descent left off.  Sarah has escaped and is taken to a hospital where small town/big dick Sheriff drags her back out to go into the caves to find the rest of the missing girls.  The team is ST/BD Sheriff, a deputy, a small crew of specialized rescuers, and our girl.  Sarah, dealing with hardcore PTSD, has amnesia at the start until she suddenly remembers and goes into Rambo mode in order to escape.  Otherwise, this is kind of the same film as the first.  A cave-in happens, the creatures fuck shit up (as they do), and we eventually have a sole survivor... kind of.

The sheer existence of this film is unnecessary.  Ignoring the four year gap between films, The Descent Part 2 doesn't add anything to the overall lore of the caves or the creatures.  The only two additions we do get are that one of the creatures has a more feminine appearance with long black hair and what appear to be beast shapes without nipples, and the other addition is that we have a scene where we see one of them take a shit into a pool of water two of the women are in.

I have to talk about this "female" creature though because this is the stupid shit that keeps me up at night trying to work it out in my head.  First: adding breast shapes make the creatures more mammalian.  Given that they have a human/bat hybrid kind of look to them, I can understand that.  My issue is that without nipples then the creature wouldn't be able to nurse as that's a trait found in mammals.  So why have breast tissue at all?  Second:  Every single one of these creatures are bald, except for her.  Assuming she is an adult, why does she not have hair down to the floor?  Finally:  Are we to assume that if there are a "male" and "female" gender that these things fuck?!  How do they fuck?  There's nothing visible that we could even consider genitals!  Do they have a cloaca?  If they do, then this goes back to point number one of the beast tissue!  Why am I so worried about this one creature seen for 10 seconds in a shitty film?!

And this really is a shitty film.  Deaths are predictable and at time comical at how horror-by-numbers they are.  The dialog is absurd, we are never given any backstory about anyone despite the mentioning of specific past events, and the very ending of this film might as well be a zoom in on a middle finger aimed directly at the viewer because we're never going to get an explanation for it.  We're also given this awkward fan service with the return of Juno, having survived in these caves for however long with only a climbing pick and sass!  How long has she survived?  Dunno.  No clue.  Time doesn't exist underground!  Only weird monsters that cause me to toss and turn while I'm trying to figure out how they smush!

I give The Descent Part 2 0 caves out of out of 5:

Temple (2017) 1h 18m

Horror films have taught me many things over the course of my life.  One thing is that children are most likely all ghosts or the devil.  Just because that creature was "born" doesn't make up for the fact that there were a solid nine months where you had no idea what it was really doing in there.  I've seen sonogram images that look like that thing is summing all the powers of the dark lord into him!  Seriously! Do you have multiple children?  Well then one is a ghost and one is Satan, or they're both the ghost of Satan, I don't know.  I don't have kids!

The Temple takes us to Japan where white people act like entitled assholes and can't take "no" or "not for sale" for an answer.  A woman finds an old journal in a used book store but when she attempts to buy it the shop owner tells her that the book is cursed, not for sale, and kicks them out and closes up shop.  If this isn't a sign of "don't fuck with that book," I don't know what is.  Of course, one of the men with her goes back to find a small boy in the shop and buys the book from him (red flag #2).  He stops at a ramen stand where he is told by the chef and the other patron to not go to the temple in the journal (red flags #3 & 4), but one of them still tells him where the temple is.  So guess where these people all go the next day?  This plot is trash.

I was really hoping for something great when this film started but it took me down a long and lonely road of boredom.  I held no sympathy for any of these people because they're all trash and multiple levels.  It's the deepest trash I've ever seen.  An ocean of trash.  The only thing that caught my attention was maybe three to five seconds long and it was the guardian spirit of the temple coming to life and attacking one of the men.  The rest of this film can be shot into the sun for all I care.

I give Temple 0 dumpsters out of 5:

The New Daughter (2009) 1h 48m

 

I haven't watched a Kevin Costner movie in years.  I was also was confusing him with Kevin Bacon before I hit play and spent a bunch of time thinking about how I unnaturally love the film Stir of Echos.  Seriously, I have some strange horror boner for that film.  It's not that great.  The plot is okay.  It's much better than this piece of shit and I would much rather have watched Stir of Echos over The New Daughter.  There are a lot of things I would rather have watched than The New Daughter.

Okay, let's go over this mess.  Kevin Costner's wife leaves him for another guy and KC and his kids move to a house somewhere else.  I don't think I paid attention where to.  In the back yard is a mound of dirt which holds a bunch of made up shit that they try to pass off as Native American.  His teenage daughter begins to change and make a nest in her closet, he doesn't know how to be a father or act outside of some strange Clint Eastwood-esq growl/yell type thing, and his youngest son fucks up the whole ending of the film with poor emotional acting.

The New Daughter has nothing redeemable about it.  There are scenes of nothing, the characters don't evoke any type of emotional response from the viewer or each other, and the creature reveal is incredibly disappointing.  The fact that someone had this shitty idea and then just thought "meh, I'll make this some sort of Native American shit," makes me want to throw a book at that person.  Read something other than your bullshit high school notebook drabbles that make your friends think of you as their "writer" friend.  Then choke on a million dicks.  Exactly one fucking million.  I'll count them to make sure you at least do that right.

I give The New Daughter 0 whatever the fuck this is out of 5:

13 Days of Christmas Day 6: Jack Frost (1997) 1h 29m

When I was in high school my friends and I rented this movie.  I'm not sure what the justification was for it aside from the fact we expected it to be terrible.  The only thing I remember of it was that the VHS box had a lenticular printed cover that would change from a harmless snowman to the one pictured above.  In truth, I think this movie was erased from my memory because it killed the brain cells that would retain any recollection of it.

I'm all out spoiling this film because it's trash.  A murderer named Jack Frost was being transported for execution when the truck gets into an accident with a tanker.  Jack escapes the vehicle only to end up getting covered in some bio-experiment goo.  He then gains the shittiest version of Iceman's powers by only being able to take form as a snowman and slowly melting into water to eventually reform on the other side of doors.  He can also make icicle spikes come out of himself but once again, only slowly and not in some sort of cool spike armor sort of way.  As the snowman he begins to kill whomever he wants while also trying to get the cop that caught him.  Eventually two of the worst government people make their way into this film so that we can learn that they're responsible for the goo that was in that truck.  Jack seems indestructible until he gets a face full of nasty snack the cop's son put together for him that morning.  Apparently the kid put antifreeze in it because he didn't want his dad getting cold. This kid is also like 13 and his parents have failed him miserably and he will probably get stolen by a hawk or something.  A truck bed gets filled with antifreeze and all of our hero characters end up sitting and bathing in it after they pull Jack Frost in with them.  Laughs are had and I died a little inside for watching this.

Fun fact:  at a networking event for my previous job I met someone that co-owned one of the production companies that put this out.  He admitted that this, as well as some other films they put out, were crap.  We both loved the special cover of the VHS though.

This movie is shit.  Even for low budget horror it was terrible.  Unlike my previously covered Santa's Slay, this movie tried to put up this front of being a good horror movie and shot itself in the dick.  Jack's lines are just creepy, gross, and unfunny.  The snowman costume looks like a shitty puppet wrapped in those sheets of fake sparkle fabric you see among the dollar store decorations.  The kid is an idiot and I'm still pissed off about the whole "I made this disgusting snack which will also murder you.  Love you, dad!"  The ending of them just laughing while soaking in the most poisonous chem-bath ever makes me want to punch out everyone that was in this film, young and old.  I'm holding nothing back as everyone here makes the naughty list.  To make things worse, this movie spawned at least one sequel.  Someone thought this was good enough to make another!

The only thing that makes this movie worthwhile is the name because the following year another film named Jack Frost was released.  It's a wholesome family comedy starring Michael Keaton as a man that was turned into a snowman with some sickly saccharine holiday plot about not being a shitty parent or blowing the spirit of Christmas while he tells you how pretty you are.  Something stupid like that.  I would like to know the number of times these VHS rentals got mixed up.

I give Jack Frost 0 ripped Santas out of 5 because I'm soooo angry at this film's existence!!:

Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge (a.k.a. Seed 2) (2014) 1h 18m

FUCCCCCKKKKK! It was too good to be true!  Such a strong start to this Cut and suddenly I'm faced with Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge.  I couldn't even find this film on IMDB until I did some research and found out that it's on there as Seed 2.  Is there a Seed 1?  I don't know.  I don't give a fuck.  Fuckin' baby's first horror movie here sucks hard enough for two!

BV:SR (which sounds much cooler in that format, like some anime with mechs) starts with the first huge ass credit being Uwe Boll!  If you're not familiar with him, he produced a bunch of terrible movies based on video game IPs with almost no fucking knowledge of the content of the games.  Blood Rayne, Alone in the Dark, Postal, House of the Dead, Far Cry... How did he make all of these?  He exploits a German tax credit so that if the film didn't recoup he gets to write off the film!  So he produced BV:SR.  Apparently he also did produce Seed which I just saw while looking up his IMDB.

BV:SR takes place in the Nevada desert where a bachelorette party gets stranded on their way back from Las Vegas.  They get attacked by rejects from The Hills Have Eyes and Taxes Chainsaw Massacre and it ends up the bride from the group betrayed them all from the start.  That's it.  Tons of fake blood, nudity, poor attempts at graphic shock, three uses of the same chest stab prosthetic, and every "violent" thing being a quick close-up shot of a wound following the initial action.

I wasn't kidding when I called this baby's first horror movie.  There's no style to it and a lot of the directing makes amateur mistakes while trying to prevent you from noticing other glaring problems.  It's also edited and put together out of sequence which makes it feel disjunct as opposed to thrilling or artistic.  Apparently BV:SR had a $1.2 million budget.  I don't know how unless they spent most of it on the RV because that shit was swank.  Seriously, 98% of this film takes place in the middle of the desert in fuck all USA.  I could've made this film with my cell phone, a couple of straws, two gallons of fake blood, and some pizzas to feed my friends while we fucked around in the desert.  I've taken shits that are more shocking and terrifying than this film could even imagine!

I give Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge (a.k.a. Seed 2) 0 copies of Iron Maiden's Powerslave out of 5:

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Hellions (2015) 1h 20m

Canada is a mysterious land.  Even though I have visited you many times I will never quite understand the mystical north.  This film has made you even more of a quandary as to what the everlasting fuck are you?!?

Hellions is a mess of a film with pink gels on all the lights.  It opens with the most romantic things teenagers can do which is blow smoke in each other's faces while the other person is talking.  The girl has to leave to go to the clinic where she finds out she's preggo.  Seventeen and up the duff from the town's local badass teen.  She returns home and turns down trick-or-treating with her mom and younger brother because teens are too cool for that shit.  Only smoking, baths, and pregnancy for this girl!

Since she stays home she hands candy out to the children that come.  They don't live in any kind of neighborhood so the fact that someone even walks into the middle of nowhere Canada for candy says a lot about the quality of their candy.  The kids end up being part of a weird harvest ritual where they want the baby.  This fetus grows at an alarming rate and the kids keep killing people.  The last half hour is basically an acid trip in pink.  It's film effects, cgi exploding pumpkin patches, repeated scenes of kids in weird masks... I can't even describe all of it aside from the fact she wakes up in the hospital and had the baby.  Dumb harvest baby.  Shit movie.  Fuckin' home of Nickleback.  CLOSE THE BORDERS!

I give Hellions 0 fart men out of 5:

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Bhoothnath (2008) 2h 30m

Oh man.  Netflix is just punishing me for some reason.  I don't know why my rating of a "thumbs up" to one Indian film has now cursed me for an eternity of shit ones.  Look at that poster.  Fucking look at it!  This was in the horror section and also under its heading was "movies ages 8-10."

Fuck you so hard Netflix!

Bhoothnath revolves around a haunted house where a child and his mother stay while the father is out being a captain or something on a cruise ship.  Stupid shit happens and the kid sucks.  The ghost is an old turd and there's some homeless vagrant that is some sort of "oh... that scamp," character.  There was a musical/dance number with elementary school kids in the style of Beat It but only they were dressed in rap video thug clothes with bling and shit.  One has a fake afro wig!

I made it about half way through this movie to where a musical number was going to kick in about the kid and the ghost being some sort of bros and I fucking turned it off.  In the entirety of this blog, something like 120-ish movies, this is the first one I ended up going "Nawww dog... fuck this shit," and turning it off.

Fucking ages 8-10 movie in the horror section, suck on my left nut while the right one sweats in your fucking eye Netflix.  Also, fuck your shit subtitles.  When someone says, in English, "this place is so cool," and you put on the screen "this place is so nice," mmmmmmmmmmmm.... you mother fucker.  So much rage and anger...

This was trash, so instead of a rating it gets this .gif of Murderface because if this movie had a face I would murder it!

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Day 16 (A PSA): Rings (2017) 1h 47m

If this movie were a table then I would flip it in disgust.  Have you ever been in a movie theater where you could feel how bored everyone else was around you?  I just have and holy shit was it bad.  I've labeled this as a PSA because under no circumstances should you see this movie.  As a fan of the Ringu series, I implore you to avoid this.  I think that the warning on the poster is in regards to this film, not the stupid fucking video.

Typical ring story:  Watch the video, phone call, die in seven days.  Samara will give you a stupid death face.  We switch out flies for cicadas.  Find her body... again?  Apparently one of the Big Bang Theory guys is a college professor who gets students to watch the tape, then have another watch a copy so the curse gets passed on and the first person lives... repeat.  The dumb thing is there are no attempts at a real explanation as to why you can't just cycle back and forth between people aside from the tedium it would bring.  Holt (unfortunately not Steve Holt) is Julia's boyfriend who vanishes for a bit after watching the tape.  She goes to find him, then she watches the tape to save his life.  Shit goes down.

By shit going down, I mean it goes down the fucking toilet.  This movie front-loaded anything of interest and then drags you through the remainder.  Not only is it dragging you, but it is very obviously showing you things only for one of the characters to have the realization 20 minutes later.  There's a part where Julia looks up at a bell and I thought "Oh, the ring, something is below the ground there."  Fucking 20 minutes later Julia suddenly had this realization and I lost my shit.  It is just moments of that over and over.  The priest, the ring, the mark on the hand, etc. etc.

I have never left a movie theater as angry as I was after Rings.  I want my fucking money back.  I not only want my money back, but I want my fiancé to get his money back for the snacks we bought and whatever my gas money was to drive there.  I want money for emotional damage caused by how bad this film is.  I want the other people in the theater to get their money back.  In fact, I want them to pay the money back to people that went to see other films out of pure shame for this movie even being in a theater.  Fuck this noise!  Rings fucking sucks.  Put that on your blu-ray box as a quote you turds!

I give Rings negative 5 copies of Ringu.

Day 10: Dementia (2015) 1h 30m

I have a little game I play with myself anytime I watch a horror movie.  It's "can I figure out who the bad guy is before the reveal?"  The problem with playing that while watching Dementia is that you find out that everyone is absolute trash in this film!

The premise is simple: a Vietnam War vet suffers a stroke and that begins the onset of dementia.  His son and granddaughter come to help him get set-up with a live-in nurse.  The live-in nurse is someone out for revenge on the Vietnam War vet.

So here's a rundown on why everyone is trash:

War vet - he was in a P.O.W. camp and tortured because a member of his platoon gave them up.  He was angry the wife of that man was granted her husband's purple heart upon death so he possibly sexually assaulted but definitely killed her.  Her daughter saw him from a hiding place.  He was also one of those drunk and abusive husbands after returning from the war.

"Nurse" - Not a real nurse, the daughter of the mother and traitor soldier, dedicated her life to finding this guy and getting revenge.  Also killed the vet's cat and blamed it on him.  He should've extracted revenge on her for the death of his cat there and saved us the rest of the film..

granddaughter - stealing from her grandfather's house but also realizes the nurse isn't what she seems.

son - doesn't trust his dad because of the father's past abusive actions.  Seems to just want to push him off on someone else so he doesn't have to deal with him.  Lots of unresolved anger and resentment issues with his father.

This wasn't anything new at its core.  This was the first film in this run that I've definitely considered shutting it off and chalking it up as crap.  I let it go as if it would maybe get better, and it definitely didn't.

I give Dementia 0 trash bags out of 5: