Night of the Death Cult (A.K.A. Night of the Seagulls) (1975) 1h 29m

Coming from another horror film 10-pack, but not the same 10-pack, we have Night of the Death Cult!  A film that is actually known as Night of the Seagulls but I'm told was something else.  Not only that, this is apparently an over watched VHS tape rip that is poorly overdubbed!  Yes! Get Into it!  Get into this fucking mess!

Night of the Death Cult is the final part of the Blind Dead series.  I don't know what the hell this series is but if all of these films are similar then they're bat shit crazy.  A cult of Knights Templar have been killing women and feeding the hearts of the victims to a strange frog statue.  In present day a village sacrifices seven women for seven days once a year.  The skeletal ghouls of the Knights Templar come and take the girls to continue their ritual.  A new doctor comes with his wife and the villagers treat them like shit until the secret comes to surface!  Oh, and the spirits of the sacrificed women turn into seagulls.  That's the seagull part.

Once the credits started I only had one reaction...

Honestly, this version of the film is terrible quality, but there wasn't much quality here to begin with.  I don't know if I need to watch the other films or if this is a stand-alone.  I still feel like the plot made very little sense.  Why were the Templars skeleton men that still need lady hearts?  Why did the village know of this?  Fire kills the skeletons but they can ride horses without a problem?  Why does that grocery store just have a basket of fruit and paper bags?!  FUCKING SEAGULLS?!

Don't watch this.  It's shit.  Fuck this shit!  FUCK IT SO FUCKING HARD IN ITS SHITTY VHS RIPPED BUTTHOLE!

I give Night of the Death Cult (a.k.a. Night of the Seagulls) 0 seagull dogs out of 5:

13 Days of Christmas Day 6: Jack Frost (1997) 1h 29m

When I was in high school my friends and I rented this movie.  I'm not sure what the justification was for it aside from the fact we expected it to be terrible.  The only thing I remember of it was that the VHS box had a lenticular printed cover that would change from a harmless snowman to the one pictured above.  In truth, I think this movie was erased from my memory because it killed the brain cells that would retain any recollection of it.

I'm all out spoiling this film because it's trash.  A murderer named Jack Frost was being transported for execution when the truck gets into an accident with a tanker.  Jack escapes the vehicle only to end up getting covered in some bio-experiment goo.  He then gains the shittiest version of Iceman's powers by only being able to take form as a snowman and slowly melting into water to eventually reform on the other side of doors.  He can also make icicle spikes come out of himself but once again, only slowly and not in some sort of cool spike armor sort of way.  As the snowman he begins to kill whomever he wants while also trying to get the cop that caught him.  Eventually two of the worst government people make their way into this film so that we can learn that they're responsible for the goo that was in that truck.  Jack seems indestructible until he gets a face full of nasty snack the cop's son put together for him that morning.  Apparently the kid put antifreeze in it because he didn't want his dad getting cold. This kid is also like 13 and his parents have failed him miserably and he will probably get stolen by a hawk or something.  A truck bed gets filled with antifreeze and all of our hero characters end up sitting and bathing in it after they pull Jack Frost in with them.  Laughs are had and I died a little inside for watching this.

Fun fact:  at a networking event for my previous job I met someone that co-owned one of the production companies that put this out.  He admitted that this, as well as some other films they put out, were crap.  We both loved the special cover of the VHS though.

This movie is shit.  Even for low budget horror it was terrible.  Unlike my previously covered Santa's Slay, this movie tried to put up this front of being a good horror movie and shot itself in the dick.  Jack's lines are just creepy, gross, and unfunny.  The snowman costume looks like a shitty puppet wrapped in those sheets of fake sparkle fabric you see among the dollar store decorations.  The kid is an idiot and I'm still pissed off about the whole "I made this disgusting snack which will also murder you.  Love you, dad!"  The ending of them just laughing while soaking in the most poisonous chem-bath ever makes me want to punch out everyone that was in this film, young and old.  I'm holding nothing back as everyone here makes the naughty list.  To make things worse, this movie spawned at least one sequel.  Someone thought this was good enough to make another!

The only thing that makes this movie worthwhile is the name because the following year another film named Jack Frost was released.  It's a wholesome family comedy starring Michael Keaton as a man that was turned into a snowman with some sickly saccharine holiday plot about not being a shitty parent or blowing the spirit of Christmas while he tells you how pretty you are.  Something stupid like that.  I would like to know the number of times these VHS rentals got mixed up.

I give Jack Frost 0 ripped Santas out of 5 because I'm soooo angry at this film's existence!!:

The Black Room (2017) 1h 31m

There had to have been some house, empty since the mid-80's, that was getting renovated and they found this script hidden in the floorboards.  The only catch is that it was written by some 14 year old boy that was sexually repressed and this was the closest he would ever get to woods porn.  Then this cursed script found its way to a director who adjusted himself and decided to make it come to life!

The Black Room has a traditional horror premise: house has a demon in it, new couple moves in, demon attempts to use them for his evil purpose.  The difference here is that the demon is hyper-sexual in order to create a human/demon hybrid child.  So think Amityville Horror meets Species.  You know, two films you never thought you'd hear compared in the same sentence.

I feel like this would be one of those VHS tapes I would see for rent as a kid and the cover would scare the shit out of me. It looks so 1984 horror.  The entire film had that vibe, just under a modern lens.  The old school rotoscoped lightning effects existed with modern practical effects and make-up for a good blend.  I will say that The Black Room had a few sloppy moments with such things as showing a full hand after the fingers just got cut off or, and this is more of a personal gripe, a brand new GBH patch on the goth/occult girl's bag.  Seriously, she's not listening to GBH.  Fuck, I'm not sure anyone still listens to GBH and that includes people that were in that fucking band.

There are also unexplained elements that aren't important to the story but still confusing.  Did this couple buy the house fully furnished and just moved in?  Are they not creeped out by that?  Who has a giant Tibetan Buddha statue when you walk into your house?  Why would you not cement over that door in the first place?  Scorpion tail dicks?!

I give The Black Room 2.5 Mortal Kombat Scorpions out of 5:

It Follows (2014) 1h 40m

I think this movie is how people picture the Millennial dream.  These kids/young adults live at home, they don't go to school or work, they have cars, they obviously have unprotected sex, and not one of them ate at a terrible chain restaurant like TGIFridays or Applebee's.  Honestly, if any of those stupid "Millennials are destroying..." articles are really true I hope it's that one.  Fuck your shitty cheese sticks!

I've complained a bunch this Cut about slow films but It Follows has to be the slowest yet.  The moral of this tale is that if you have sex (I'm actually not sure if this follows genital warts rules, where it can be passed even with a condom, or syphilis rules where a condom will stop it) then you might contract something that makes creepy people in white slowly walk at you.  Most of this movie is the main girl freaking out at stuff the others can't see.  Then she passes it on to one guy and he gives it to a prostitute.

There is a distinct lack of logic or continuity with parts of this film.  The greatest one for me is the cast on the main girl's arm.  She has literally broken her arm or wrist just a few days prior, then swims in a nasty lake with it, and then goes in a pool with it.  After she is out of the pool she crawls with it and shows no pain despite her wrist bending normally in the soggy cast.  It's like they added a prop but told her it's just for decoration and to forget about it.  There's also the issue of the people that you see once you're infected actually existing in this physical realm.  There are interactions with it.  So are these things just everywhere?  Where the hell is that explanation?!  Lastly, there are rented fucking VHS tapes in one shot!  It's goddamn 2014 (for this film)!  Where in the flying fuck did you rent VHS from and why are you renting VHS?!

This movie was terrible.  It was a lot of pretty camera shots that got stuck with a mumbling cast and poor editing.  Seriously, an hour and forty minutes of this shit?  Fuck that!  You could cut out at least a half hour of bullshit here and do better.

I give It Follows 0 pieces of avocado toast out of 5:

Don't forget, you can follow us on Facebook and Twitter at 30daysofplight.

Friday's Choice Cuts: Nightmare (aka Atmosfear) (1991: A Couple 'A Cowboys/J.W. Spears & Sons)

image from Bloody-Disgusting.com

Since I mentioned it earlier this week while covering Beyond the Gates I figured today's Choice Cut would be the Nightmare VCR board game (or if you're in other parts of the world it might be known as Atmosfear... which is weird because I definitely remember commercials for both as a kid).

As far as the board game portion goes, your goal is simple:  Collect keys and then make it to the center.  In the center are pieces that each player wrote their own "nightmare" on and you have to pick one and hope it isn't yours.  If you do this, and accomplish it all before the VHS is done, you win.  You'll have cards to play at specific times too which will require you to yell or do something in order to gain an advantage.  The fate cards are like "chance" in Monopoly where it might be good or bad.  Each of your characters are taken from religious, folk, or actual history.  For example, you could play as the blood countess Elizabeth Bathory, or the king of the Ghede in Vodou, Baron Samedi.  Of course they just have their name and list them as "vampire," or "zombie" so it's not getting too in depth there.

Now for the tape part.  This is the golden portion of the board game.  With the first game you get a random guy in shitty lighting and a potato sack hood as the "Gatekeeper."  He will assign you to do things, banish you to the black hole, free you from the black hole, or just make you do weird stuff before continuing.  As you get in the last 10-15 minutes of the game he gets fucking bat shit crazy with making weird noises and saying crazy stuff.  I can see why, if you were a kid, and you played this in the dark with some friends, you might piss your TMNT undies with this guy popping up randomly and screaming at you.  As an adult it's just hilarious but you'd be surprised how quickly people get into it.  You can actually check out the video on YouTube, or just watch some of it now here:

There are supposedly two sequels to it with booster tapes and then a reboot of sorts that came out in 2004.  As I mentioned, I have the second game (or the first booster) but I haven't played it yet.  I have watched some of the tape and it's pretty much the same thing only this time with Baron Samedi as the gatekeeper.

I lucked out and found this for $3 at a thrift store around 10 years ago.  I'm sure it could be in others as well because who really owns a VCR any more?  However, you can play this just via YouTube and there are pictures of the board and rules online so you could basically do your own.  Although if you want you could just put the video on at a party or make it into a drinking game.

Friday's Choice Cuts: VHS Massacre: Cult Films and the Decline of Physical Media (2016) 1h 20m

I've made it no secret that I'm a fan of Troma Films.  So recently I was on their website looking through the sale items and I noticed this gem:  VHS Massacre: Cult films and the Decline of Physical Media.

I'm old enough to remember the mom and pop video store.  Originally our local pharmacy had a small video rental section.  After that we had a place called Video and Sound where you could rent Beta and VHS tapes.  It eventually evolved to VHS and game rentals.  Our local grocery store opened their Iggle Video which was a full sized video store in one corner.  I remember turning 18 and getting cards for both of these places as well as the Blockbuster which eventually came to our town.  As of now all these places are closed.

VHS Massacre examines how VHS rentals, and especially mom and pop stores, helped independent film companies during its boom.  I still remember seeing VHS sleeve art like House or Critters and being scared of it as a tiny child, but those stuck in my mind.  Having that availability and visual presence helped to culminate that era of cult film.

This documentary gives us a decent history lesson, bringing up studios, films, actors/actresses, and even personal memories which I had forgotten about.  It also goes into detail about how corporate structures made it hard then, and make it hard now, for the indie companies to get things out or even keep up.  At the same time they tackle how people view things like torrents, where some use the term "piracy" but, in the case of Lloyd Kaufman, he uses the term "file sharing" and claims it has been helpful for people to see the films they put out.

The climax of the film is the actual VHS Massacre which was a competition where the people involved had to find VHS tapes where they would watch any random five-minute section of it to find the worst one.  The winner is well deserved.

All in all, this is a definite watch for anyone that is a fan of cult film.  The people in this film are very passionate about how they fit into this world.  It presents a ton of info that I never even considered and gave me a bunch of directions to pursue to not only expand my knowledge but to find some great movies I would be missing out on otherwise.

"Never give up the fight for truly independent cinema!"

Day 28: V/H/S/2 (2013) 1h 36m

I think I've seen all of the V/H/S series.  It's tough to remember because there are a lot of these horror compilation style films out there now.  Looking back at Creepshow and moving all the way up to more modern ones like Southbound, they all begin to melt together.  I do remember seeing V/H/S/2 though.

Technically there are five films in one here.  The first involves a man seeing more than he bargained for when he gets his new experimental eye implant.  Number two, which is my favorite of the group, is a zombie with a GoPro.  Our third film involves a strange Indonesian cult and a documentary crew.  The fourth pushes the focus more into a sci-fi/horror realm with a group of hormonal teens and tweens.  The final one is the very shoddy glue of V/H/S/2 which focuses on some private investigators trying to track down a college student, breaking into his home, and piecing things together by the VHS tapes and a laptop video.

I call the final one shoddy because I feel like they really had no clue how to fit together each of those shorts and they just created this component to make it work.  It's more like duct tape, or bubble gum and tooth picks.

Out of the remaining four, V/H/S/2 has two strong shorts, one decent short, and one that is forgettable. It's not bad, just forgettable.  The great thing about these short film collections is that if one isn't that great you know something else is coming soon.  For that, I say V/H/S/2 is pretty strong.

I give V/H/S/2 3 Betamax tapes out of 5: