The Black Room (2017) 1h 31m

There had to have been some house, empty since the mid-80's, that was getting renovated and they found this script hidden in the floorboards.  The only catch is that it was written by some 14 year old boy that was sexually repressed and this was the closest he would ever get to woods porn.  Then this cursed script found its way to a director who adjusted himself and decided to make it come to life!

The Black Room has a traditional horror premise: house has a demon in it, new couple moves in, demon attempts to use them for his evil purpose.  The difference here is that the demon is hyper-sexual in order to create a human/demon hybrid child.  So think Amityville Horror meets Species.  You know, two films you never thought you'd hear compared in the same sentence.

I feel like this would be one of those VHS tapes I would see for rent as a kid and the cover would scare the shit out of me. It looks so 1984 horror.  The entire film had that vibe, just under a modern lens.  The old school rotoscoped lightning effects existed with modern practical effects and make-up for a good blend.  I will say that The Black Room had a few sloppy moments with such things as showing a full hand after the fingers just got cut off or, and this is more of a personal gripe, a brand new GBH patch on the goth/occult girl's bag.  Seriously, she's not listening to GBH.  Fuck, I'm not sure anyone still listens to GBH and that includes people that were in that fucking band.

There are also unexplained elements that aren't important to the story but still confusing.  Did this couple buy the house fully furnished and just moved in?  Are they not creeped out by that?  Who has a giant Tibetan Buddha statue when you walk into your house?  Why would you not cement over that door in the first place?  Scorpion tail dicks?!

I give The Black Room 2.5 Mortal Kombat Scorpions out of 5:

Jaws 3 (aka Jaws 3-D) (1983) 1h 39m

This has to be the worst partnering deal in the history of forever.  Why the fuck would Sea World willingly let these people use their name for a movie about killer sharks?  It could've been any made-up sea park and you'd be fine!  Also, why the fuck is this park set up like it's goddamn Sealab 2021?!  Who thought that was a brilliant idea?! "I want our park to have all the most expensive shit underwater... in case those commie bastards come!  Those pinkos won't get my giant metal box with a useless reel-to-reel stuck on the outside!  Those are my Johnny Paycheck albums on those reels!"

Jaws 3 is a hot mess of 80's in 3D!  A great white shark gets into a Sea World park and kills some people.  They capture it but then it dies while a bunch of people watch it sadly turn over like a goldfish from a carnival game.  Later they figure out that our dead shark was the baby and the mother is somewhere in the park!!  Momma Jaws then fucks some shit up before she gets blown up by a hand grenade.

I went into this thinking it was going to be trash.  It actually wasn't as bad as I thought.  There is a large amount of time spent on unnecessary character development and they attempt to have some plot more than just "Oh shit! Giant shark!" and I really didn't care.  Will this male/female couple stay together while he studies whatever in Central America or wherever the fuck he's going?  I don't care!  Let the shark eat your fucking face!

The shark puppet was nowhere near as good as the original Jaws.  This one was more foam-rubbery looking.  Then we get the 3D elements... I didn't get to experience the full 3D immersion here but you can tell exactly when each moment is meant to be by the awkward floating object with the weird outline looking like a bad Photoshop.  Some text, a severed arm, an underwater craft, Jaws slowly crashing into some glass, and then the exploding chunks of Jaws (including her literal jaws here), in 1983 it might have been cool.  However, I've watched ever episode of those VH1 80's nostalgia shows at least 10 times a piece, and those people all said it looked like shit back then.

Jaws 3 did have two of my favorite things to ever happen in a horror film though.  First, there's a scene where a half-eaten corpse floats up past a window and scares a bunch of visitors.  Someone reacts to this moment by pressing a teenage girl up against the glass so she just has a few inches of glass between her screaming face and this dead body.  I don't know why that happens but it's hilarious.  The second thing is a t-shirt that a man is wearing.  He's with the group trapped inside one of the Sealab tunnels and his shirt just says "Let a gargoyle sit on your face."  I don't know what the fuck that means.  I did a quick Google search and all I found were reproductions of that shirt for sale but not explanation.  I don't think I want an explanation.

I give Jaws 3 1 blue squeaky shark out of 5:

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