Blades (1989) 1h 41m

When I opened the case for this DVD the receipt from 2007 was still inside.  This is just letting you know how long this disc has been sitting on my shelf, unwatched.  Part of a Troma Triple Pack, with two other films that I honestly can't remember or be bothered to get off the couch to check, I chose today's film because it takes place on a golf course.  I expected the worst and was given something that transcends horrible and is ranked among the greatest tortures from Hell.

GOLF F'N POWER!

Blades takes place on some low-class course where Roy begins his new job as the course pro.  Kelly spends most of her time making awkward and confused faces all while hating that Roy took the job that was promised to her.  The course is being prepared for the upcoming televised pro-am tournament but chopped up corpses are found littered around the greens.  Investigation leads us to a sentient lawn mower with balloons tied to the back.  It belonged to the dead father of the greens keeper.  Roy ends up defeating it with the power of golf.  This movie defeated me by stealing all joy from my life.

I fell asleep with 10 minutes left and hated that when I woke up I had to go back and watch the ending of this.  Blades is like someone watched Caddyshack and thought "I can make a horror version of this," but they lacked the humor, charm, and talent.  The only thing I really found interesting was the actor that, in the right light, looked like Kurt Angle.  Not Kurt Angle now, but Kurt Angle if his life choices sent him in a terrible Coors Light life spiral instead of him winning an Olympic medal.  Let me tell you, it doesn't turn out well for alternative universe Kurt.

Fucking golf course horror movie... fuck this shit!

I give Blades  0 John Deere tractors out of 5:

Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies (2014) 1h 28m

I've had this sitting on my shelf since Christmas when a family member bought it from a list of DVDs I gave them.  Utterly confused on their part, they just seemed happy to get me something that I was excited for.  I knew the gist of this film from Wrestling With Wregret's review but by now I've forgotten everything and it became a good time to revisit it.

Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies sums up most of the premise in its title.  In true Shane Douglas form, he's a dick and kills a man in the ring with a tombstone pile driver all because Shane caught his woman having the fakest sex ever with the now murdered wrestler.  The brother of the corpse approaches the promoter and says that he wants a private show at an abandoned West Virginia penitentiary with Shane as the main person.  The promoter also offers up Matt Hardy, Kurt Angle, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and Reby Sky for no reason other than he was just handed about $3000.  The building is full of zombies and once inside everyone has to try and fight their way out... all because Shane Douglas is a dick.

Why am I not in this film?

Aside from the wrestlers fighting zombies and Shane Douglas being a shit bag, the remaining plot of this film gets muddy.  The living brother eats human hearts to gain power to create and control the zombies but he gets that power from some person or demon.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that if you're getting a bunch of wrestlers together for a film then your demon bad guy needs to be fucking James Mitchell!  That dude is probably Beelzebub for real.  Although, Kevin Sullivan makes an appearance at the beginning so I guess that hits some sort of Satan quota.

BFFs 5-Ever ('cause it's one more than 4)

Piper isn't quite up to his They Live level, but he stands out the most.  Matt Hardy and his then girlfriend/now wife Reby Sky literally exist just to have awkward teenage "my parents are downstairs" sexual encounters.  Hacksaw is Hacksaw.  I can't talk shit on him because I met him and he was one of the nicest dudes I ever talked to.

Overall this film is a mass of awkward pacing and clearance Halloween City zombie make-up.  Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies is really only for fans of wrestling and super low budget movie making, but there are some inside jabs such as Shane Douglas saying "Your checks aren't going to bounce like Paul Heymen's..." which you have to know about the business to get.  Also, low fuckin' blow, Shane.

I give Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies 1 ECW Extreme Music CD out of 5:

Friday's Choice Cuts: VHS Massacre: Cult Films and the Decline of Physical Media (2016) 1h 20m

I've made it no secret that I'm a fan of Troma Films.  So recently I was on their website looking through the sale items and I noticed this gem:  VHS Massacre: Cult films and the Decline of Physical Media.

I'm old enough to remember the mom and pop video store.  Originally our local pharmacy had a small video rental section.  After that we had a place called Video and Sound where you could rent Beta and VHS tapes.  It eventually evolved to VHS and game rentals.  Our local grocery store opened their Iggle Video which was a full sized video store in one corner.  I remember turning 18 and getting cards for both of these places as well as the Blockbuster which eventually came to our town.  As of now all these places are closed.

VHS Massacre examines how VHS rentals, and especially mom and pop stores, helped independent film companies during its boom.  I still remember seeing VHS sleeve art like House or Critters and being scared of it as a tiny child, but those stuck in my mind.  Having that availability and visual presence helped to culminate that era of cult film.

This documentary gives us a decent history lesson, bringing up studios, films, actors/actresses, and even personal memories which I had forgotten about.  It also goes into detail about how corporate structures made it hard then, and make it hard now, for the indie companies to get things out or even keep up.  At the same time they tackle how people view things like torrents, where some use the term "piracy" but, in the case of Lloyd Kaufman, he uses the term "file sharing" and claims it has been helpful for people to see the films they put out.

The climax of the film is the actual VHS Massacre which was a competition where the people involved had to find VHS tapes where they would watch any random five-minute section of it to find the worst one.  The winner is well deserved.

All in all, this is a definite watch for anyone that is a fan of cult film.  The people in this film are very passionate about how they fit into this world.  It presents a ton of info that I never even considered and gave me a bunch of directions to pursue to not only expand my knowledge but to find some great movies I would be missing out on otherwise.

"Never give up the fight for truly independent cinema!"

Turkey Day Special!! Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006) 1h 43m

Happy Turkey Day!!  Nothing celebrates that more than a horror film about a fast food chicken restaurant!  In truth, my internal dialog of deciding what film I should review for Thanksgiving lasted all of five seconds.  It was pretty much me thinking of Poultrygeist, deciding to do Poultrygeist, and then five minutes later realizing I could do Thankskilling instead but I had already committed my body to Poultrygeist.

I've brought up Troma films at least 20 times on this blog.  If you're not familiar, or you're just joining us here at 30 Days of Plight, Troma is an independent film company mostly known for having made the Toxic Avenger films.  They also put out some non-Troma Studio films such as Cannibal the Musical (a college film done by Matt Stone and Trey Parker).  At its core, Troma carries a brand of low budget and offensive toilet humor that only a B-movie addict can love.

Truthfully, I forgot about how offensive this film really is at times.

The plot of Poultrygeist revolves around a fast food restaurant that is built upon what used to be a native burial ground and thus becomes cursed.  Our main character, Arby (it's all fast food chain names and puns) gets a job there after he runs into his girlfriend protesting the chain.  She had just left for college and suddenly become an overly political lesbian.  That's kind of par for a teenage male.  Do something dumb as an act of revenge in order to win love...

As the film rolls on, staff keep getting killed, patrons become chicken zombies, there are a lot of tits and gore, a gay character (Paco Bell) gets pulled into a meat grinder after jerking off into the meat and comparing it to an act of Che Guevara-esq rebellion, and we find out the protest and lead lesbian was doing it all as a ruse to promote the restaurant.  That's a fucking long sentence of random shit.

Oh, did I mention this is also a musical?  Because it is.  The songs are actually well written even though the lyrics are middle school boy humor.  In fact, as far as Troma films go, it seems like Lloyd Kaufman must've pulled some decent scratch together for this one.  The costumes, effects, even the title sequence showed some backing and thus a greater sense of effort.  This is not a slam on Troma's other films, it's just a big step up.

All in all, while I'm sure some of the things I brought up in this review have probably turned you off from ever watching it, Troma was my first and my continual personal motivation toward the idea that I could make a horror film.  It's not about big budget, big effects, big names, big bullshit... it's about making something fun and having fun.  I know from Lloyd's book that making a movie isn't easy, but these films make it seem attainable.

So I give Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead a solid 3 drumsticks out of 5:

Day 15: Out of the Dark (Wui wan yeh) (1995) 1h 26m

I've stated it before, and I'll state it again: I fucking love Troma films.  And while China is a long way from New Jersey, 1995's Out of the Dark is probably the closest thing to a non-Troma Troma film I've seen.  Kudos to you China!

Our primary location is an apartment complex where an older woman died, apparently via shady means.  Her ghost begins possessing a small child and then other individuals in the building.  Enter character number two (after the ghost, not the child) in a teenage punk-ish girl.  She does the best "I'm gonna air guitar and head bang but not know what the fuck I'm doing" scene with our main character.  On that note, our main character is referred to as a "ghostbuster" throughout the film but is really just an escaped mental patient that apparently knows how to deal with the supernatural.  Throw in some bumbling cops/security and you've got yourself a film.

Much like Troma films there are a lot of sexual and borderline offensive moments mixed in with cheesy exaggerated humor.  Honestly though, I have a second tab open on my browser right now to see how much a copy is from Amazon (spoilers: the blu-ray new is $61 and the DVDs are region locked).  I'm not saying this is the best film ever, but as far as my tastes go, I thought it was fantastic for what it was.

I give Out of the Dark 4 potted plants out of 5: