Friday's Choice Cuts: The Splatterhouse Video Game Series (Namco/Namco Bandai)

That magazine ad started it all.  I was on the cusp of turning 10 and flipping through a Gamepro magazine when I saw it: Splatterhouse.  The lower left screen shot had the main protagonist (Rick) shooting a shotgun at a guy with chainsaws for arms and a bag on his head.  I thought that was the coolest looking thing ever.

Unfortunately, my local arcade never got a cabinet of Splatterhouse, and the only person in my town with a Turbografx 16 had the game but they were older than me and the few times I asked if I could try Splatterhouse he always said he didn't want anyone playing his Turbografx.  It didn't help that the system was fucking insanely expensive.

Luckily I had a Genesis and they eventually made Splatterhouse 2 and 3 for that system.  When I became an adult and learned of emulators I was able to play the arcade and the Turbografx port.  Then I even tracked down a Famicom rom with its chibi art style.  In 2010 (20 years after the original port) a reboot was put released and as you completed the game it unlocked the arcade game as well as 2 and 3.  If nothing else it's worth the money for that.

Now that I've dragged you on my nostalgia journey, what is Splatterhouse?  It's a horror game where your girlfriend Jennifer is kidnapped (a lot) and Rick dons something known as the Terror Mask which grants him intense strength to fight everything from poltergeists to severed heads controlled by an inverted cross (or tombstone if it's the TG port).  You get all the typical weapons such as a 2x4, a shotgun, a giant meat cleaver, etc.  I think the only thing that's missing is getting your own chainsaw.  All of these, with the exception of the reboot, are side-scrollers.  You do have moments where you interact with some background elements depending on the level.

If you're into horror and video games then I definitely recommend seeking these out.  I know the Namco collection on the Nintendo e-store has the original port but if you e-Bay a copy of the 2010 game for PS3 then I recommend that.  I paid something like $5 for mine but in truth, it'll be priceless to me because I finally get to play all of the Splatterhouse (no thanks to you, Billy!  Fuck your Turbografx!)

Spawn (1997) 1h 36m

If I ever have a child and he asks me "Papa, what were the 90's like," (I picture my child as a small British boy if you're wondering what that should sound like) then I would show him this movie.  Then if he asked me what "horror" is then I would tell him "not fucking Spawn the movie!"  Unfortunately Netflix thinks Spawn is a horror movie, so here we go.  Fuckin' 90's out the ass!

If you're not familiar with Spawn, this is a film adaptation of a comic book.  Originally created by Todd McFarlane, Spawn really pushed comics in both good and bad directions.  I could go into this for more than I could talk about this movie but this is a fucking horror film blog!  Not comic nerd talk!  That's if I want to start another blog.

The plot of Spawn is simple:  Al Simmons is murdered, then he gets offered a chance at revenge by the ruler of Hell (Malebolgia) if he promises to lead the army of Hell once Al is done.  Thus, Al becomes Spawn.  We have our angel and devil characters in Cogliostro and Clown.  The one attempts to turn him to the side of good while the other works for Malebolgia and pushes for chaos.

Clown is what truly makes this movie.  John Leguizamo fucking destroys everyone else in this film with this character.  Who would have thought?  You don't hear much about him, but this one film he nails the role perfectly.  Also he actually bit into a piece of pizza covered in live maggots during the filming.  Way to go the extra mile, John.

As for the rest of Spawn... well... this film combines the worst elements of the early comics and puts them in here while also glossing over the concept of "when you use up your power you die for real."  Hell, the comics eventually dropped this plot device too.  There used to be a counter at the end of every issue telling you how much power Spawn had left, then they deus ex'd it and that was that.  So this movie is mostly guns and really really dated CGI.  Fucking goofy flames, Malebolgia does not hold up in CGI form, an army of CGI spawns that move in 3-second loops and have multiples of themselves... shit is wiggity wiggity wack by today's standards.  As a kid though I fucking loved all of it...

So while not a horror film, and still tinted a bit by nostalgia, this film ends up being a fun mess.  The soundtrack is full of spooky 90's bands like Marilyn Manson and "techno."  I use quotes because electronic music and the EDM scene has come a long fucking way from when we used to just refer to it as solely "techno."

You don't have to know a thing about Spawn to watch it, and that may work out to your advantage.  Otherwise you end up nitpicking shit like me.

I give Spawn 2.5 bad CGI bee things out of 5:

Friday's Choice Cuts: Nightmare (aka Atmosfear) (1991: A Couple 'A Cowboys/J.W. Spears & Sons)

image from Bloody-Disgusting.com

Since I mentioned it earlier this week while covering Beyond the Gates I figured today's Choice Cut would be the Nightmare VCR board game (or if you're in other parts of the world it might be known as Atmosfear... which is weird because I definitely remember commercials for both as a kid).

As far as the board game portion goes, your goal is simple:  Collect keys and then make it to the center.  In the center are pieces that each player wrote their own "nightmare" on and you have to pick one and hope it isn't yours.  If you do this, and accomplish it all before the VHS is done, you win.  You'll have cards to play at specific times too which will require you to yell or do something in order to gain an advantage.  The fate cards are like "chance" in Monopoly where it might be good or bad.  Each of your characters are taken from religious, folk, or actual history.  For example, you could play as the blood countess Elizabeth Bathory, or the king of the Ghede in Vodou, Baron Samedi.  Of course they just have their name and list them as "vampire," or "zombie" so it's not getting too in depth there.

Now for the tape part.  This is the golden portion of the board game.  With the first game you get a random guy in shitty lighting and a potato sack hood as the "Gatekeeper."  He will assign you to do things, banish you to the black hole, free you from the black hole, or just make you do weird stuff before continuing.  As you get in the last 10-15 minutes of the game he gets fucking bat shit crazy with making weird noises and saying crazy stuff.  I can see why, if you were a kid, and you played this in the dark with some friends, you might piss your TMNT undies with this guy popping up randomly and screaming at you.  As an adult it's just hilarious but you'd be surprised how quickly people get into it.  You can actually check out the video on YouTube, or just watch some of it now here:

There are supposedly two sequels to it with booster tapes and then a reboot of sorts that came out in 2004.  As I mentioned, I have the second game (or the first booster) but I haven't played it yet.  I have watched some of the tape and it's pretty much the same thing only this time with Baron Samedi as the gatekeeper.

I lucked out and found this for $3 at a thrift store around 10 years ago.  I'm sure it could be in others as well because who really owns a VCR any more?  However, you can play this just via YouTube and there are pictures of the board and rules online so you could basically do your own.  Although if you want you could just put the video on at a party or make it into a drinking game.