Rise of the Zombie (2013) 1h 26m

I've been trying to understand why films from India will switch so freely between English and Hindi.  At first I assumed it was just phrases or certain words that don't translate well, such as when English bleeds into Japanese or Spanish.  I actually did some quick research (read as: Google) to find out that the reason this happens is that a lot of India, especially the youth, tend to be bilingual.  In addition to this, when something needs to be stressed for emphasis a person will say a phrase in Hindi and then repeat the same phrase in English, which is prominent in early parts of this film.  Now that you've learned so much, "what film" you ask?

Rise of the Zombie (not to be confused with the Danny Trejo film Rise of the Zombies) is apparently India's first zombie origin film.  At least that's what the poster says.  As a nature photographer, Neil's work takes him to remote and unreachable places for long periods of time.  After returning from one of his trips, his girlfriend dumps him.  Not to be slowed down, he sets out on his next trip only to be bit by some flying insect.  The wound becomes grossly infected but Neil thinks that just dumping water on it is enough to help.  Over time he begins to feel himself change.  He loses control of his urges and craves raw meat, all while he thinks about the good times he used to have with his ex.

Despite having the name "Zombie" in the title, the horror elements are few and far between.  Most of the film focuses on Neil and his emotional state in regards to his break-up while simultaneously having this slow transformation from man, to cannibal, to something I guess you can classify as a zombie.  I feel like it's a very loose use of the term here.

I wasn't really wowed by Rise of the Zombie.  I like that it tried to do something different and have ride sidecar to Neil's change, but it was far too slow and frustrating.  Why he assumed he could just keep dumping water on his arm makes no sense to me.  He went into a nearby town to buy supplies and use a phone which I assume he could've found a doctor or something close to one there to tell him "Yooooooo!  You need to get yo' ass to the hospital!"  The break-up also serves no real purpose except for someone to spark the search for him when he's been missing for too long, which is still weird because she broke up with him and is then all up in his business again.  Who knows?  I don't.

I give Rise of the Zombie 1.5 Rise Against albums out of 5:

Ranbhool (2010) 1h 50m

Some people say that you can learn something from every experience you have.  I think that after watching this film the only thing I learned was to not trust dudes that wear tie dye and play guitar.  This isn't really new information for me.  I talk shit on hippies all the time.  So maybe this film didn't teach me anything, but rather just reaffirmed my dislike of hippies.

Ranbhool is an Indian film in which a man believes his music is essentially the music of god.  He is such a religious zealot over this thought that he has killed people that have prevented his music from getting out or say that they don't hear the message of god in it.  A teenage girl goes to her father's home with her younger sister and a friend and make contact with this crazy guy via the internet (as ya' do).  Using an Omegle style chat they view a video stream of him playing his music, but they miss him murdering his fiancé.  Everyone tracks everyone else down and it ends with hostages, a standoff, and someone's grandmother getting called in to stop all this shit!

This was not a film for me.  Pushing close to two hours is actually short for most of the Indian films I've watched but this one just kept drawing out scenes for too long.  We get a lot of our killer playing his music but it is literally just the same song over and over again with him jamming on some changes.  It's not even a good song!  I mean, maybe I'm missing the voice of god or whatever in it, but it was just sounded like shitty Phish, and I already hate Phish so imagine that!  I will say there is one moment I liked and it's right after he kills his fiancé and then he plays a guitar solo over her corpse.  That was one of the most metal things I've been privy to in a film.  Too bad it was a hippie solo!

I give Ranbhool 1 dirty hippy out of 5:

Horror Story (2013) 1h 31m

I don't mind subtitles in films.  In fact, I would much rather have subtitles instead of a terrible dub where the context gets changed.  Like that episode of Pokemon where they're eating rice balls but keep calling them donuts because they assumed English speaking children wouldn't know what a rice ball was.  What's even worse though is when the character is speaking English but the subtitles say something different.  It's definitely one of those "you had one fucking job" moments that confuses the hell out of me, and it happened multiple times during my viewing of this.

Staying in India, Horror Story takes the always hard to believe plot of a group of friends out partying the night before one of them is about to move away.  I've moved multiple times in my life and you do not go out and fucking party the night before unless you have a moving service hired and someone is going to drive you where you're moving to. I'm getting off topic but I hate this plot line in horror.  Anyway, our group decides to go to a supposedly haunted hotel because trespassing and breaking and entering are always good ideas the night before someone is moving.  This hotel ends up not just being haunted, but super haunted as it was previously a mental hospital that had a violent patient that claimed to have married Satan in it.

Horror Story is really just a series of dumb decisions.  The bending of the space of the hotel was a nice touch but in truth it's nothing that really made me want to become engaged with this film.  I will say that the hotel "library" having an occult section meant that this was a classy establishment, and the final run with a hand full of fire was climactic, but the rest was a snoozeroo.

I give Horror Story 0 H.H. Holmes houses out of 5:

6-5=2 (2014)

Three days deep and we get our first "found footage" film of this Cut.  I wanted to rip into this movie right at the start of this review but I decided to take a moment and look into it a bit more.  This is really a bare bones production done on a shoe-string budget.  It's the director/producer's first film and there wasn't much of a crew.  I'm filling you in on this info because it's something that I'm taking into consideration.  I came into myself thanks in part to a very DIY punk scene in Pittsburgh, so I can respect this kind of lo-fi production.

6-5=2 is a film out of India where a group of friends go hiking on a random mountain path.  I'm having trouble remembering what their actual motivation is for this because I've had a lot of Indian found footage films I've ended up watching for this blog.  This movie turns into a bootleg version of the Blair Witch quickly (a film which was said to be the major influence) with faux graves appearing in the night, cameras catching weird behavior, and everyone being lost.

This isn't the best horror film I've ever seen, but it's also not the worst.  The Blair Witch and Paranormal Activity influence is far too heavy and feels more like copying than just an homage.  This is especially prevalent when they use an alternate Paranormal Activity ending where the remaining female walks up to the camera and cuts her throat in front of it.  The parts I liked were really more of things that maybe only I would enjoy.  For example, during one of the evenings a girl sits up and starts doing some sick thrash metal hair spins for about a minute.  I was waiting for some DRI or Municipal Waste to kick in, but it didn't.  The other thing I liked was a brief ghost appearance that lead to my note of "Oh shit! Special appearance by the Babadook!"  So as I said, only dumb stuff that got me excited.  As for the rest, they made a movie with what they had.  That's more than I can say for a lot of us.

I give 6-5=2 1 Suicidal Tendencies album out of 5:

Hisss (2010) 1h 30m

No snakes were harmed in the making of this review.  I feel like I need to have that since this film felt the need to open with that notice as well as telling us that all the snakes were rubber or CGI.  I honestly didn't need that notice because they all looked fake a shit.  Definitely a higher quality rubber snake than you can get around Halloween but damn your shit is fake.  The snake woman however, rad as hell!

We have three main characters with Hisss:  The Nagin (a female snake goddess), a police officer, and a rich white American that has stage three brain cancer.  The American hears a story that if you take the Nagin's lover then you could hold it hostage for something, in this case some form of philosopher's stone.  The Police officer just wants to find out who or what is causing a rash of strange killings with puncture wounds and poison.  The Nagin wants her lover back and also stands up for women by killing rapists and men who beat their wives.  She is the heroine this world needs.

Rubber snakes and CGI aside, this film looked great. I felt like I was getting a real view of rural India as opposed to just the opulent upper-class areas we get in a lot of Bollywood films.  The story was a little iffy at times but I never got bored with it.  Once the Nagin became this sort of avenging/defending snake woman I was 100% behind her.  I did get a bit worried that the ending was going to pull some sort of magical fix but it was the most realistic ending I could ask for with a film involving a snake-woman-goddess.

I give Hisss 3 cobras in a top hat out of 5:

Trip to Bhangarh: Asia's Most Haunted Place (2014) 1h 53m

If you've been a regular visitor here then you'll know I'm no stranger to Bollywood horror films.  I think this actually marks my fourth or fifth film (if you're also counting last Cut's three hour kid's horror film that I couldn't make it through).  Don't be fooled by that poster.  I don't know why only one of the five main characters made it on here.  I think it's because they assumed he was the hottest?

Trip to Bhangarh... has five friends showing up for a college reunion and hearing a story about a fort that is supposedly the most haunted location in Asia.  A story of black magic, jilted love, and cursed souls is given as our backstory to this haunt.  The friends decide to make a trip up to the fort during the day time to see if they can find anything.  Finding nothing, they return home only to have a run of bad luck around the 10-day mark.

Using the term "horror" loosely here, Trip to Bhangarh is really more of a horror-comedy.  In true Bollywood form though, there were (I think) four musical numbers thrown in this film.  Since none of these had much to do with the movie I took this time to do other things elsewhere in the house.  IMDB lists this as the only film some of these actors did.  While watching it I felt like they had taken a stage acting troupe and asked them to be in the film.  It's the typical stage-to-screen variations in body movement that stick out.  The audio track sounded like the whole thing was ADRed in later.  It was synced well if that's the case, but it kept me from allowing myself to actively watch the film.

During the course of Trip to Bhangarh... the plot just unravels into a sloppy mess .  The final reveal was interesting but then has this really long "villain explains the plot" sequence that went on for close to ten minutes.  I didn't care that much.  Just say "I'm doing it because of X."  I don't need all this fucking backstory.  You're the bad guy?  We got it, moving on to the net scene!

I give Trip to Bhangarh: Asia's Most Haunted Place 1 photo of Bhangarh out of 5:

Bhoothnath (2008) 2h 30m

Oh man.  Netflix is just punishing me for some reason.  I don't know why my rating of a "thumbs up" to one Indian film has now cursed me for an eternity of shit ones.  Look at that poster.  Fucking look at it!  This was in the horror section and also under its heading was "movies ages 8-10."

Fuck you so hard Netflix!

Bhoothnath revolves around a haunted house where a child and his mother stay while the father is out being a captain or something on a cruise ship.  Stupid shit happens and the kid sucks.  The ghost is an old turd and there's some homeless vagrant that is some sort of "oh... that scamp," character.  There was a musical/dance number with elementary school kids in the style of Beat It but only they were dressed in rap video thug clothes with bling and shit.  One has a fake afro wig!

I made it about half way through this movie to where a musical number was going to kick in about the kid and the ghost being some sort of bros and I fucking turned it off.  In the entirety of this blog, something like 120-ish movies, this is the first one I ended up going "Nawww dog... fuck this shit," and turning it off.

Fucking ages 8-10 movie in the horror section, suck on my left nut while the right one sweats in your fucking eye Netflix.  Also, fuck your shit subtitles.  When someone says, in English, "this place is so cool," and you put on the screen "this place is so nice," mmmmmmmmmmmm.... you mother fucker.  So much rage and anger...

This was trash, so instead of a rating it gets this .gif of Murderface because if this movie had a face I would murder it!

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Darr @ the Mall (2014) 2h 4m

Netflix had a moment of "Remember when you liked that other Indian horror film?  Well now you get this one!"  My reply to Netflix is just "You filthy fucking asshole!"

I'm not sure what Darr @ the Mall is really meant to be.  Apparently there is the Amity Mall, which is built over what was the burned out shell of an orphanage.  An orphanage where a nun burned it down and killed a ton of children with only one child unaccounted for.  This info you don't find out until about midway through the movie.  Initially we just get a bunch of dead security guards, some sort of ghost figure, and the mall management planning a huge party for some superstar.  The superstar does get a song and dance number about piña coladas and how it's like the expensive alcohol of life... if I could side eye this movie from this blog then imagine that's what I'm doing.

I have no clue of the layout of this mall.  There's an ice rink, something like four levels, a huge club/bar, a basement and a bunch of other crap that makes no sense.  Nothing appears to be locked as four random 20-somethings run around the mall despite a sick cyber-goth-steampunk party going on.

The story of this film is just too disjunct or just presented in a poor order.  The acting and cinematography are all good.  I can't fault them for it being a bad film, just a bad story, which once again drags through 2 fucking hours.

I give Darr @ the Mall 2 shopping bag clip arts out of 5:

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1920 London (2016) 2h

I've seen horror films from India before but never an actual Bollywood horror film.  While there is only one short dance section, we still get treated to three or four montages set to epic songs.  The sets are elaborate and remind me of the early MGM big budget films.  Also, this movie is long as fuck for no real reason other than Bollywood makes long films.  Fuckin' way too long...

1920 London revolves around a prince/princess couple getting a cursed locket in the mail.  The prince becomes possessed by an evil spirit and the wife returns home to seek help.  Eventually she has to turn to her ex-love that at some point learned all kinds of magick during or after she sent him to prison.

Unlike most of the films I rant about on here, I'm not going to spoil this one.  I was really into 1920 London.  Sure, it was long and at one point I picked up my 3DS and played a bunch of Project X Zone because I got tired of another flashback/song section but everything that this film brought to the table was well done.  Some things I've seen before but nothing felt recycled.  They kept old ideas fresh and had some great scenes and special effects with it.  Some great special effects... not all.  There were smoke effects that looked really bad for modern CGI.  We also had a scene where an exorcism is being performed and the possessed girl is almost always in red light.  This may be for a visual sense of "evil", but it's also a very lazy tool to make bad make-up look good.  The classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde film had the character transitions done by switching the lighting color.  You couldn't tell because it was black and white, but he had colored make-up on that only shows up when a green gel was showing or a red gel was showing.  That's a little horror history.  I went off track with that...

I give 1920 London 4 possibly haunted lockets out of 5:

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Day 14: Ludo (2015) 1h 30m

I can't recall the last time I've had a fever dream.  Thankfully, I rolled Ludo which might as well have been some sickness induced dream spiral that unleashes some strange darkness that dwells in the innermost working of the human soul!  Either that, or a mess of crap which makes no sense.

I can only sum up Ludo as such:  Oh, these young people are going out for a night on the town.  When did they start playing this game.  Wait, are those zombies, cannibals, vampires, or ghosts?  What is going on?  Why is there suddenly a sexual assault attempt?  Who the fuck are these people?!  Wait, this is based on some board game Jumanji shit?  Ohhhhh, that's who those people are.  Wait, who is this person that sucks on the flute?  Is the last half of this film just trying to explain the first half?  Is this over yet?

The real underlying plot is that there is a forbidden game known as Ludo (which is a real game based on Pachisi)  Apparently an alchemist had it locked up in a safe where the key was a flute and his son and (maybe daughter) son's girlfriend unlock the safe and play the game.  The alchemist finds them and curses them before killing himself and spraying them with his blood.  The game then makes them hunger eternally but mainly for blood.  These kids just get caught up in the bullshit.

Ludo did a poor job of story telling in an attempt to either seem artsy or just to add more mystery to the film.  While it would have large sections of consecutive time, there would be these broken up sections shown in flashes or quick time jumps where you would have no idea what was really going on.  I found it hard to follow and it made me loose interest.  When I did get the explanation of the plot it was so lengthy, absurd, and full of these quick jumps that I just didn't care.

I give Ludo 0 Pachisi games out of 5: