6-5=2 (2014)

Three days deep and we get our first "found footage" film of this Cut.  I wanted to rip into this movie right at the start of this review but I decided to take a moment and look into it a bit more.  This is really a bare bones production done on a shoe-string budget.  It's the director/producer's first film and there wasn't much of a crew.  I'm filling you in on this info because it's something that I'm taking into consideration.  I came into myself thanks in part to a very DIY punk scene in Pittsburgh, so I can respect this kind of lo-fi production.

6-5=2 is a film out of India where a group of friends go hiking on a random mountain path.  I'm having trouble remembering what their actual motivation is for this because I've had a lot of Indian found footage films I've ended up watching for this blog.  This movie turns into a bootleg version of the Blair Witch quickly (a film which was said to be the major influence) with faux graves appearing in the night, cameras catching weird behavior, and everyone being lost.

This isn't the best horror film I've ever seen, but it's also not the worst.  The Blair Witch and Paranormal Activity influence is far too heavy and feels more like copying than just an homage.  This is especially prevalent when they use an alternate Paranormal Activity ending where the remaining female walks up to the camera and cuts her throat in front of it.  The parts I liked were really more of things that maybe only I would enjoy.  For example, during one of the evenings a girl sits up and starts doing some sick thrash metal hair spins for about a minute.  I was waiting for some DRI or Municipal Waste to kick in, but it didn't.  The other thing I liked was a brief ghost appearance that lead to my note of "Oh shit! Special appearance by the Babadook!"  So as I said, only dumb stuff that got me excited.  As for the rest, they made a movie with what they had.  That's more than I can say for a lot of us.

I give 6-5=2 1 Suicidal Tendencies album out of 5:

Strayed (a.k.a. Perdidos) (2014) 1h 33m

So close.  So close to finishing this Cut without having to deal with another "found footage" film and instead one more has to sneak in at the zero hour.  My husband and I had a long discussion last night about this subgenre of horror and what has and hasn't worked.  Blair Witch played on the fact that everyone grew up with some sort of urban legend.  Paranormal Activity brought the fright into our homes.  Grave Encounters took the phenomena of ghost hunting shows and had their own twist on the absurdity of them as well as pushing horror to be a bit more extreme.  Most generic found footage just keep taking a group of 20-somethings and putting them in a haunted space.  You know what else had that plot?  Scooby Doo!  And the fucking Scooby gang is way more entertaining!

Strayed (Perdidos) does this same dead horse style plot.  A group of 20-somethings go into a supposedly haunted building to record ghosts.  They vanish and this is the footage found.  The twist here is that we know a Rabbi had to do an exorcism in this building.  The Rabbi also left a Dybbuk just chillin' in that space, which I feel you wouldn't want to leave hanging out for just anyone to find.  Spooky scares happen and I can't read Hebrew to save my life so I have no idea what half of that stuff says.  I couldn't even translate whats on that poster and I spent a good 20 minutes trying and just gave up assuming its one of the 72 names of god.

Surprisingly, Strayed was one of the better found footage films I've watched.  The quick pans gliding by shadowy figures are decently scary but what this movie does that I really like is that the spirit has the ability to manipulate physical space.  People find themselves in hallways that end up looping themselves, rooms will change at any point, and impossible space becomes possible.  In the end though, these weren't enough to save the film from long periods of nothing and poor character interactions.  I would have liked this better if it were a 20-30 minute short film.  This way you get all killer/no filler.

I give Strayed (Perdidos) 1 rabbi clip art out of 5:

Secret of Evil (a.k.a. Secreto Matusita) (2014) 1h 17m

 

Alright, I either pissed in Netflix's corn flakes, or I pissed in my die's corn flakes.  The third option is that neither of those like corn flakes with their piss.  Whatever the case may be, I have my second "found footage" film for the week.  Get ready for some shit.

Secret of Evil (Secreto Matusita) takes place in a haunted house where we get two possible back stories only to find that the cause is a totally different story.  We start by interviewing a man in a mental hospital where he mentions the "owner" while he trashes the room.  Then we get our two stories.  One is about a Japanese family living there and the other being about a couple living upstairs, all of which end with murder.  Our Scooby crew eventually find a letter hidden in a wall with a dead baby and that gives us the true story.  It doesn't change the fact they all die and the ghosts eat their bodies or shove them up their ghost butts or something. If I had, to then I can sum this up as  pretty much the Blair Witch Project only they have a clairvoyant with them and much better tech... and bodies shoved up ghost butts.

I don't know how to talk about found footage movies anymore.  It's mostly a bunch of "what was that?" and "Ahhhhh I'm going crazy with all these ghosts up in here!"  The one thing Secret of Evil has going for it would be that it mainly uses practical effects and camera pans for the spooky elements.  As I mentioned above, this felt too much like Blair Witch to really be a wholly original idea.

I give Secret of Evil 1 El Terrible picture out of 5:

Aliens: Zone of Silence (2017) 1h 19m

 

Oh found footage films, we meet again.  Only this time you're on Netflix due to an inside job.  This is the directorial debut of Andy Fowler, also known as the Director of VFX for Netflix itself.  Yes, this film is on more streaming platforms than just Netflix, the fact that this was a direct to streaming production and had no theatrical release gives you an idea of what I had to deal with here.  So why am I'm being such a cranky bastard with this film?  Journey with me, into the zone of silence...

Based off of a real location in Mexico, Aliens: Zone of Silence follows a woman as she tries to find her brother after he disappears while searching for aliens for his YouTube channel.  Similar to the Bermuda Triangle, the Zone of Silence has issues with magnetic fields and the breaking down of mechanical instruments.  Lucky for our leading woman, she has the help of Goose, an ex-communications officer in the military that seems to have his own command station at his house.  They're able to keep in constant visual and audio contact except for times when the aliens are around.

This movie should be called the White Woman: Slog of Boring.  It's just a bunch of camcorder, GoPro, and computer screen shots that were so uninteresting to watch that I listened to this movie more than I watched it.  It reminds me of the night shots of Blair Witch only they're mostly in a tent or in the daytime so it takes away the suspense factor.  Also, Goose is the worst physical actor I have seen in a while.  There's a section where he's supposed to be having this inner panic of what to do since he lost contact with the woman and it was painful to watch.  Side note:  Don't name someone Goose in your film, it makes me think of Top Gun.

We never see the aliens.  Instead we get the fake hand of a grey pushing on the side of a tent.  The final shot we get looks like someone took a picture of Jesus and/or Mary statues and then put a bunch of vapor wave video filters on them.  That's cool with the kids, right?  We can make this ending relevant to youth culture, right?  Fuck off!

I give Aliens: Zone of Silence 0 photos of Goose from Top Gun out of 5:

They're Watching (2016) 1h 35m

I was on board with They're Watching at the start.  Really, I was.  But then we got to the last 15 minutes and it was like they realized they had a bunch of money left over and promptly use it for some rough CGI to shart all over the ending.  So much CGI.  Borderline SyFy CGI.

They're Watching takes place in a random Eastern Europe village where a rich white woman and her European husband buy this absolute trash cottage.  It is part of a home-fix-up show where the filming crew comes back some time later to film the progress that was made on the house.  Since this is the case the entire film is done from the POV of each of the film crew cameras.

The village itself has a story about a woman that was burned as a witch when the village children got sick.  This is a continual theme, especially after two of the film crew intrude on what ends up being a funeral for some children.  The village turns against the crew for this trespass. After that everything starts to spiral down the Blair Witch hole.  Which sounds like it's some weird theme porn.  The Blair Witch Hole!  Like Debbie Does Dallas, only in the woods and filthy!

I think that's a good point to step away from the plot here in case anyone reading this wants to watch it.  I will say that up until the terrible CGI kicks in, I was relatively engaged.  It isn't hard to follow the threads left out while viewing this, but, for as much as I complain about this style of horror movie,  They're Watching did it well.  Just that fucking CGI... god fucking damnit!

I give They're Watching 2.5 flipped houses out of 5:

Don't forget, you can follow us one Facebook and Twitter at 30daysofplight.

Die Prӓsenz (The Presence) (2014) 1h 23m

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH found footage films, you are the bane of my horror loving existence. Initially I blamed The Blair Witch Project for foisting this affliction upon us.  I have nothing against Blair Witch as a film but it was the first major breakthrough for a found footage film.  Then things like Paranormal Activity came around at a time when promotion through social media became a big thing and that was the final fucking nail in the coffin.  People saw they could spend a few thousand on a film and might turn some sort of crazy profit.  Instead we get a huge pile of shit.  If I wanted to watch "real" people react to spooky shit then I'd set a camera up in my neighbors window and make ghost noises at 3am.  Actually, in this neighborhood, that'd get me shot.

The Presence has one interesting thing going for it and that it takes place in a castle.  I forget the Europe just has them scattered all over the damn place.  Otherwise it's the same stupid plot with the same I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-you characters, just in German.  I only know how to count to four, swear, and say "you hate me," in German and that all comes from video games and Rammstein albums.

This film doesn't even warrant a full review, just this rant piece I've created here.  Seriously though, if you're going to do a "found footage" film, please make something new and fresh and original.  No more "this is haunted, let's go with cameras!" or "what's this weird ghost shit in my house?  Get a camera!" or even the fucking Cloverfield shit.  Something new!  N-E-W!  Crapface!

I give The Presence 0 German castles out of 5:

Don't forget, you can follow us on Facebook at Facebook.com/30daysofplight or on Twitter @30daysofplight

The Houses October Built (2014) 1h 31m

That poster looks like it's from one of those hidden object game pack CD-Roms you find at Wal-Mart for $10.  I know about these because my obsession with Paranormal State caused me to track down their game on one of those... and something like five Wal-Marts in a 30-mile radius.  DON'T JUDGE ME!  Instead, judge this "found footage" film, because that shit has been done to fucking death.

The Houses October Built crew consists of some 20-somethings that get the idea that they want to go on a road-trip to find an "extreme" haunted house.  This road trip is only six days and they pretty much stay in Texas until they catch wind of a place known as "Blue Skeleton."  Think of it as the speakeasy of haunted houses where you have to get a weird invite in a creepy way and then go somewhere to meet someone.  Along their voyage they stop at a few different actual haunted houses and, usually the guy with the beard, ends up doing something asshole-ish and pissing off the workers.

They get followed and creeped on by all kind of crazy haunted house workers until they are picked up by the skeleton crew.  Then they're buried alive after being fucked with in some creepy house in the swamp/woods.  Whatever.  Fuck 'em.

I had actually seen parts of this film before because my husband (P.S.  I got married before this cut started) watched it and I was probably sitting on my laptop while he did that.  It didn't keep my interest much then and this time it started okay before my interest waned again.  I also, for the life of me, don't know where in the hell they found an alley off Bourbon St.  I saw there were doors so I assume it was a private drive-way or something.  Seriously, the Quarter is dolphin's butthole tight with their blocks.

I give The Houses October Built 1 supposedly real haunted house out of 5:

Don't forget, you can follow us on Facebook at Facebook.com/30daysofplight or on Twitter @30daysofplight

Day 5: Hangar 10 (2014) 1h 23m

This movie was The Blair Witch Project with the military and aliens instead of a witch.  That's it.  "Found" footage, getting lost in the woods, weird events, losing one of your members and finding them in the place where the big bad is; it's all there.  The only thing that was kind of interesting was the military helicopter doing sick air burnouts before it explodes and crashes.

I'm not wasting time writing more because I checked the fuck out mid-way through this movie and it just became background noise.

Hangar 10 gets 0 stupid alien clipart pics out of 5:

Day 17: Archivo 253 (2015) 1h 19m

I was listing things in my head that irk me about "found footage" films, and I think the number one thing that really bugs me is who the fuck finds these cameras or tapes or whatever and survives with them? Most of the films end with a camera falling as someone is getting killed. So why don't the people that "find" the footage get killed too?

Archivo 253 followed the found footage format list bit by bit. We have a creepy location with a abandoned mental hospital where they not only did hydrotherapy and ECT, but exorcisms! We have a group of four 20-somethings that like to go and hunt ghosts. We have a ton of night vision camera footage. There is the obligatory jump scare early on where it was something that isn't supernatural. Finally, when we do see what the evil spirit or creature thing is, it is only for a split second. Spoilers on this, it looks kind of like Gollum from LoTR. I was unimpressed

Actually, I was unimpressed with this whole movie. Part of me wants to like it, but there really wasn't anything to hook me. I've seen a lot of these films. Hell, I saw The Blair Witch Project when it came out in theatres... twice! And Archivo 253 was really just a by-the-book horror film. I crave something new with this sub-genre of horror! Found footage at this point really only works well with things like the V/H/S films where it's a combination of short films put together. That way I don't have to deal with over an hour of your bullshit repetitive plot lines!

Also, what the fuck is the deal with the hair in this film? Did I miss something with the subtitles?! There is a gross fucking cistern full of hair and then their room looks like someone dumped a barber shop trash bag on the floor! Google yielded nothing, so I want it explained to me! Now! I demand it! It's fucking gross! He touched the sewer hair and picked it up! I'm done. Mexico can keep this fucking movie!

I give Archivo 253 1 video camera out of 5:

Day 27: Alien Abduction (2014) 1h 25min

See the credit "original concept by" at the end of this film is kind of laughable because Alien Abduction is a combination of films that have definitely been done before and done better.  This isn't to say that it's all bad but it was definitely not great.

Alien Abduction is a "found footage" film where what you see is all from the camcorder of an 11 year old autistic boy.  This camcorder must be the most expensive one you can buy because they didn't even try to make it have any kind of filters to make it seem like it was anything less than a real movie camera.  This camera also somehow functions in the cold blackness of space at one point, does not burn up upon reentry into the Earth's atmosphere, and survives falling and crashing into the ground all while still recording.  This is the kind of camcorder that would be handed down to man by Greek gods!

Set in Brown Mountain, N.C... yes, Brown Mountain....  The amount of poop jokes made at the expensive of the location were great.  Brown Mountain apparently has UFO light anomalies and strange things happening to people.  You would think the family in this movie would have thought to research where they're going to camp and seen some of this.  I can't fault them though.  Something like this would kind of be a selling point for me to go camp there.

As expected, alien encounters occur and family members are picked off one by one.  The aliens also have the power to throw and make it rain dead birds.  They are apparently three year olds.  The aliens though are mostly shown through brief jump scares and it works well.  I jumped.  It scared me.  Successful jump scare accomplished.  Aside from these though it wasn't keeping my attention though.  It did feature the song "smell yo dick," which is a real song.  It exists and has a video.

There's a backwoods redneck that pops up and helps them, then he's sucked into space after being broken in half.  All of the family gets sucked up.  The camera films a bit in the ship before it's shot out of a tube and somehow has enough force to jettison it right back to Earth.  Maybe the ship was just at the top of the atmosphere to allow for gravity to effect it.  I don't know.  Camera of the gods!

Overall, this film gets some points for the aliens, but loses more because it's nothing I haven't seen before.  I like a good "found footage" film, but there are too many that are just not worth the time.  If you want to see a scarier alien film then I would suggest watching The Fourth Kind, or Fire In the Sky.  I think I might have mentioned both of these before, but that's because they're worth it.

I give Alien Abduction 1 Alan Rickman from Galaxy Quest out of 5: