The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) 1h 59m

Years ago I went with a group of people camping.  As night came, and we were sitting around the fire, we started attempting to tell ghost stories.  One of my fellow campers said he didn't have any ghost stories but he had seen this film so we told him to try and recap it since none of us saw it.  The next five minutes were a hodgepodge of a story which ended with the most blasé "and then she jumped out a window and died."  Everyone laughed their ass off and to this day I still think of that as a punchline to terrible stories.  Post script to this story, that isn't what happens.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose is barely a horror movie.  In truth this is a court drama that happens to revolve around priest that is being blamed for negligence in the death of Emily.  Most of the time is spent with lawyers and witnesses arguing between the science of the physical word and the existence of the spirit of the supernatural.  We are told the story from start to finish and there are some scenes of Emily before and during her possession but it's overshadowed by the litigation.

If I would've paid to see this film in theatres and this is what I got then I would be pissed.  The only saving grace of Emily Rose is Emily herself.  Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter) does a lot of the physical contortions on her own as well as her facial expressions and voices.  I spent some time looking into facts about this film and she was cast at the audition because she scared the director.  Big ups to you, Jennifer.

Speaking of the director of this film, I came across something saying that he wanted people to leave this film with more questions than answers.  You have a fictional court case and exorcism based off of a real account that happened in Germany.  You can't make something up and then have people seek out answers when you've created the universe it exists in!  Here's my question for you, why is this movie two hours of the most boring "horror" ever?  Riddle me that, Batman.

I give the Exorcism of Emily Rose 1 romance paperback titled "Exorcism" out of 5 (and that is only for Jennifer Carpenter):

Strayed (a.k.a. Perdidos) (2014) 1h 33m

So close.  So close to finishing this Cut without having to deal with another "found footage" film and instead one more has to sneak in at the zero hour.  My husband and I had a long discussion last night about this subgenre of horror and what has and hasn't worked.  Blair Witch played on the fact that everyone grew up with some sort of urban legend.  Paranormal Activity brought the fright into our homes.  Grave Encounters took the phenomena of ghost hunting shows and had their own twist on the absurdity of them as well as pushing horror to be a bit more extreme.  Most generic found footage just keep taking a group of 20-somethings and putting them in a haunted space.  You know what else had that plot?  Scooby Doo!  And the fucking Scooby gang is way more entertaining!

Strayed (Perdidos) does this same dead horse style plot.  A group of 20-somethings go into a supposedly haunted building to record ghosts.  They vanish and this is the footage found.  The twist here is that we know a Rabbi had to do an exorcism in this building.  The Rabbi also left a Dybbuk just chillin' in that space, which I feel you wouldn't want to leave hanging out for just anyone to find.  Spooky scares happen and I can't read Hebrew to save my life so I have no idea what half of that stuff says.  I couldn't even translate whats on that poster and I spent a good 20 minutes trying and just gave up assuming its one of the 72 names of god.

Surprisingly, Strayed was one of the better found footage films I've watched.  The quick pans gliding by shadowy figures are decently scary but what this movie does that I really like is that the spirit has the ability to manipulate physical space.  People find themselves in hallways that end up looping themselves, rooms will change at any point, and impossible space becomes possible.  In the end though, these weren't enough to save the film from long periods of nothing and poor character interactions.  I would have liked this better if it were a 20-30 minute short film.  This way you get all killer/no filler.

I give Strayed (Perdidos) 1 rabbi clip art out of 5:

Ghost House (2017) 1h 29m

At some point soon I would like to write a book that's an "everything I needed to know about life I learned from horror movies" type thing.  In it I plan on having a section on foreign travel because holy fuck do white tourists just do the dumbest shit!  Agreeing to ride out to the country in a foreign land with people you just met, yeah, fucking stupid!  Taking an object from something called a "ghost house," you're an idiot!  Basically being a tourist, you're probably an asshole, and I say that living in a city that is a tourist wonderland.

Ghost House sets us up with a couple on vacation in Thailand. On their first day they befriend two other tourists that are staying in their hotel.  After an evening of drinks and strippers our couple is convinced to go out to a remote spot because the fiancé is jealous of her man friend having lipstick on his face and she is told that she could get some cool pictures out there.  The other couple tricks them so that a spirit possessing their friend will possess our cranky lady.  Now, with the help of their tour driver (Gogo) our man seeks out all kinds of shaman and mystics to save his betrothed.  He has three days to do so before her soul is taken into the abyss.

This film had a really sharp reverse bell curve.  It started out strong, despite relying heavily on jump scares, but there were about 15-20 minutes where it just couldn't keep my interest.  By the end of the film it came back around and I want to create an award just to give to the actress that played the witch at the end (or whatever she might be called, my occult knowledge doesn't extend too far into Asiatic countries).  She by far has the best "fuck you I did it!" laugh I've ever heard.

As for our ghost woman, except for the very end she is shown in quick and jerky shots.  We get a few close-ups which end up disappointing because the facial appliance looks a bit rough.  I don't know if it's what they molded it out of, or the paint job, but it looks a bit too Halloween mask for me.  I've also been rewatching Syfy's FaceOff from the beginning and I'm finding myself more critical of stuff like that.  Curse you Glenn Hetrick!

I give Ghost House 2 ghost houses out of 5:

Day 29: Exeter (2015) 1h 31m

An excellent day for an exorcism... except an exorcism here won't really help and they don't know how to do one properly anyway.  They try.  Believe me, they try to do an exorcism.  It devolves into splashing holy water and saying "the power of Christ compels you!" pretty quick.  If they knew anything about doing a proper exorcism then they would know you need to make the demon or entity tell you its name.  This helps in gaining power over it... not that I'm speaking from experience or anything... Hey, look!  Another paragraph!

Shitty exorcism (which may be my new metal band name) aside, Exeter takes place in what used to be one of those horrible state hospitals for children living with various disabilities.  After countless human rights violations it was shut down and now they want to turn it into something that I forget.  It was church related, but only exists as a plot device as to why Patrick knew of the location since he was helping to fix it up.  What is meant to be a small group of friends turns into a huge party and suddenly Patrick's younger brother is showing signs of possession.  Then everyone is locked in.  It's on!

About 10 minutes in I thought this film was going to be a bore.  However, once the possession happens Exeter held my interest and some of the gore got me really excited.  Wait... that sounds wrong... fuck it.  NO WAIT!

In all seriousness, Exeter was great.  The story turns in ways I didn't expect and the twist at the ending caught me off guard.  Very rarely do I completely lose consciousness of an entire piece of the puzzle, but Exeter had so much going on it redirected my focus and made the finale that much stronger.  I do have two complaints though.  The first one the overuse of panther sound effects for the possessed, and the second is the misuse of the term "Wiccan" for what really should have been "Witchcraft."  Wiccan doesn't really fit what's going on with this film.

I give Exeter 3 statues of St. Bernard getting ready to choke slam someone out of 5: