The Vault (2017) 1h 31m

I feel like film production companies still have this odd assumption that casting people based on name or affiliation alone will make a movie good (or at least draw).  We know this isn't true based on some of the big flops that have existed *cough*TomCruiseMummy*cough* but yet we still get these middle of the road, or worse, films that have some heavy casting done.  I would rather these companies save their money and give us a better film rather than wasting that dough of what is essentially turd polish.

The Vault focuses on a bank robbery gone dumb and the eventual release of ghosts in the bank?  I think.  Or the bank was just haunted and opening the second vault made it more haunted?  All I know is that people have quit this bank due to the weird things that happen around the downstairs where the old vault exists.  In the 80's a bank robbery went wrong and it lead to the death of pretty much everyone involved except the unaccounted for leader.  They all haunt that downstairs now but may be locked in that vault.  Either way, this odd group of white trash (including the woman that plays Pennsyltucky from Orange is the New Black) stir up some shit and end up dead thanks to these bland specters.

That's the whole film pretty much.  We do find out that the person that points them to the vault and attempts to save everyone is the ghost of the bank manager from that original robbery, but you could kind of tell that by his porn stashe and outdated suit.  I was bored the whole way through The Vault.  It has what could be labeled the worst use of the song Crimson and Clover, jailhouse tats that look like they were Sharpied on just prior to filming, and a Wilhelm scream.  A fucking Wilhelm scream in a 2017 film!  How hard is it to have someone record their own death scream? 

I can't with this film.  I really can't.  Hopefully that vault actually exists so they can take all the copies of this film and lock it inside.  Then if anyone opens it they're haunted by this film for the rest of their life.

I give The Vault  0 thieves out of 5:

Haunt (2014) 1h 25m

Uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!  There's nothing worse than seeing a film where it does a good job with its reveal, and then watching another film that has a similar reveal and it's just this fucking puddle of cold jizz you accidentally stepped in.  Dudes, you know you've done that on accident.  Ladies, if this has happened to you then on behalf of men, I apologize.  I am the spokesperson for all of manhood, after all...

Haunt follows a typical horror film premise.  A family moves into a house that is said to be haunted because most of the previous family died in mysterious ways.  The neighbor girl and the teen-ish boy of the family meet and start messing with an actually cool looking spirit radio receiver.  This brings about a gnarly looking female ghost that we mostly see in quick cuts.  Then the movie suddenly has the entire reveal of stuff at once and ends.

I left some stuff out but it's not important here.  I had resigned to possibly fall asleep during this film but suddenly it was all "Oh shit! I'm about to blow my story load" and literally ended in less than ten minutes.  The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.  It wasn't because there wasn't a "happy ending," I've mentioned before that I root for the bad guy, but it was the longest hour and ten minutes just to get to this fucking nasty wad of story blown directly in your eyes.  Whatever.  I was let down by this.  If not for the cool spirit radio and ghost lady I would have probably typed out three paragraphs of fart jokes and a picture of my scrote done in ASCII art.

I give Haunt 1 issue of Image Comic's Haunt out of 5:

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Die Prӓsenz (The Presence) (2014) 1h 23m

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH found footage films, you are the bane of my horror loving existence. Initially I blamed The Blair Witch Project for foisting this affliction upon us.  I have nothing against Blair Witch as a film but it was the first major breakthrough for a found footage film.  Then things like Paranormal Activity came around at a time when promotion through social media became a big thing and that was the final fucking nail in the coffin.  People saw they could spend a few thousand on a film and might turn some sort of crazy profit.  Instead we get a huge pile of shit.  If I wanted to watch "real" people react to spooky shit then I'd set a camera up in my neighbors window and make ghost noises at 3am.  Actually, in this neighborhood, that'd get me shot.

The Presence has one interesting thing going for it and that it takes place in a castle.  I forget the Europe just has them scattered all over the damn place.  Otherwise it's the same stupid plot with the same I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-you characters, just in German.  I only know how to count to four, swear, and say "you hate me," in German and that all comes from video games and Rammstein albums.

This film doesn't even warrant a full review, just this rant piece I've created here.  Seriously though, if you're going to do a "found footage" film, please make something new and fresh and original.  No more "this is haunted, let's go with cameras!" or "what's this weird ghost shit in my house?  Get a camera!" or even the fucking Cloverfield shit.  Something new!  N-E-W!  Crapface!

I give The Presence 0 German castles out of 5:

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The Ouija Experiment 2: Theater of Death (a.k.a. The Ouija Resurrection) (2015) 1h 26m

Netflix is still busted and only showing 27 choices in the Horror category.  I might have found a way around it but soon it may involve pulling out a d4 to add to the shenanigans.  I feel like a white person in an infomercial just fumbling dice and remotes before making an over acted "well ain't that some shit" face.

Anyway, that leads us to today's film, The Ouija Experiment 2: Theater of Death, or The Ouija Resurrection, or The Ouija Resurrection Ouija Experiment 2: Electric Boogaloo.  That poster doesn't know what it wants to be and I don't blame it.  Actually, who the fuck is that child on the box and why is Courtney Love stalking her?!  None of that happened!

The scariest part of this movie, for me, was at the very beginning where they splice in super fast summaries of the first film in between the credits.  It was frightening because I realized that at some point I watched the first film and had wiped it from my memory!  Luckily, if you haven't seen the first one, you don't need to.  TOE2 is a meta film that takes place in a supposedly haunted theater where the people that made and acted in TOE1 are hosting a spooky night there.  I refuse to believe that fans of the first film could fill a theater as well.

I don't even want to go into the plot because it's all awful.  Just know that some weird inborn child-woman ghost comes back due to not saying "goodbye" on an Ouija board and almost everyone ends up dead except for a woman with an English accent and a girl that looks like Death from the Sandman comics.  The acting is shit and the writing isn't much better.  They have a gay character but he seems like he was written by someone who doesn't know a single gay person or their only experience is with some super camp queen that was set to 11 all the time.  I'm glad he gets killed by his trendy scarf... asshole.  You're wearing a t-shirt!  You don't need a scarf indoors!  I hope that ghost bit your dick off!

Actually, now I don't get why it was a ghost but then in the end of the movie it was a physical person chained to a wall.  In fact, by the last half of this movie they had obviously given up.  The camera just gets shaky, a woman holds a knife with her thumb wrapped tightly around the blade (don't worry, you can see it's spray painted cardboard), and despite having their throat cut a guy manages to crawl around and then survive?  Fuck this shit.  How do these assholes get to make two movies and I haven't even written one yet?

I give whatever the fuck this movie's real title is 0 Ouija boards out of 5:

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Day 8: Convergence (2015) 1h 40m

I feel like Convergence was Netflix letting me know not to let my guard down.  I made my mistake yesterday with Baskin and assuming it wasn't going to be good, but it showed me wrong.  For Convergence I thought it was starting out really well and then it just suddenly shit the bed for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good crazy God-cult bad guy and realms existing between the worlds.  My issue comes when they felt the need to take what has been a really good concept with the movie and suddenly introduce the "real world" and do so with ghost hunters.  It's such a fuck you to the whole battle between "good" and "perceived good" that exists in this purgatory realm.  It cheapened it for me.

I had a much longer review for this film all typed up and ready to go but I deleted it to write this.  Why?  Because this film doesn't deserve any form of recap.  You don't need to describe a turd to someone to get the picture.  We all know a piece of shit when we see it.

I give Convergence 2 abandoned hospitals out of 5: