Hisss (2010) 1h 30m

No snakes were harmed in the making of this review.  I feel like I need to have that since this film felt the need to open with that notice as well as telling us that all the snakes were rubber or CGI.  I honestly didn't need that notice because they all looked fake a shit.  Definitely a higher quality rubber snake than you can get around Halloween but damn your shit is fake.  The snake woman however, rad as hell!

We have three main characters with Hisss:  The Nagin (a female snake goddess), a police officer, and a rich white American that has stage three brain cancer.  The American hears a story that if you take the Nagin's lover then you could hold it hostage for something, in this case some form of philosopher's stone.  The Police officer just wants to find out who or what is causing a rash of strange killings with puncture wounds and poison.  The Nagin wants her lover back and also stands up for women by killing rapists and men who beat their wives.  She is the heroine this world needs.

Rubber snakes and CGI aside, this film looked great. I felt like I was getting a real view of rural India as opposed to just the opulent upper-class areas we get in a lot of Bollywood films.  The story was a little iffy at times but I never got bored with it.  Once the Nagin became this sort of avenging/defending snake woman I was 100% behind her.  I did get a bit worried that the ending was going to pull some sort of magical fix but it was the most realistic ending I could ask for with a film involving a snake-woman-goddess.

I give Hisss 3 cobras in a top hat out of 5:

Day 29: From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (1999) 1h 34min

Okay, so a sequel that I have some background with.  I've seen the original From Dusk Till Dawn, which was written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriguez.  From Dusk Till Dawn 3 is written by Robert Rodriguez's cousin, Álvaro Rodriguez.  I know that sounds like it's made up, but it's true.  It was filmed by a guy whose credits include unnecessary sequels to films that were already great (such as Lost Boys: The Tribe) and TV shows based off of films (but not the From Dusk Till Dawn TV series).  This gives you an idea of what's going to go on here.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure what's going in here.  Our two groups of characters end up all at the bordello where Danny Trejo serves up tequila and angry looks.  One group is banditos and the other group consists of a pastor, his wife, and the American author/journalist Ambrose Bierce.  Ambrose was a real person that went to join Pancho Villa's army and was never seen again.  That's what happens when a white guy from Ohio does stupid shit.  Equally stupid shit people from Ohio have done, worn a Brown's jersey at the one diner in Pittsburgh and supposedly got stabbed in the bathroom.  I'm pretty sure that's an urban legend, but it's one Yinzer's like.  Also, it's a better story than this film.

This is all pretty much what you expect from a From Dusk Till Dawn film.  Vampires, snake women vampires, debauchery, lots of killing and like a half hour fight scene, and my favorite part where the main vampire woman (that isn't the hangman's daughter) dies.  Dawn comes, she gets caught in the sun and is trying to back into the bordello.  She ends up getting trapped in the door spike/lock things and becomes burnt super crisp for a second.  I half watched the scene and was exhausted from work so I looked over and just said out loud "Whoopie Goldberg?!" before the vampire turned to dust.  The whole movie then ends with some shitty SyFy channel style CGI where the entire screen is just a computer generated shart.

I give From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter 1 plastic vampire fang out of 5: