Halloweed (2016) 1h 41m

I can't believe I watched this film.  It's a mess.  A weirdly coherent mess.

Halloweed has way too much going on for a upper-low-budget movie with weed and dick humor.  A man and his stepbrother (Simon Rex) move to the town of Mooseheart after their their dad/step-dad (Tom Sizemore) is executed for his serial killing spree.  Looking for a new start, the stepbrother starts selling weed for Danny Trejo, then forms his own crew with Jason Mews and Andy Milonakis. There's a mayoral race with Jim O'Heir as the standing mayor.  Then there is a the candy corn killer who is a man in a baby mask and huge baby PJs.

All I can keep thinking is "how?"  How did this come about?  Are most of these people friends or were they really bored and looking for something to do?  Then they call it Halloweed and the weed jokes are minimum.  This film just doesn't know what it wants to be.  It starts out like a Troma film, then just gets into a shittier Pineapple Express type thing, and then suddenly remembered this was going to be a horror film.  Fuck this mess.  Make that into a cross stitch and hang it on your wall.

I give Halloweed 0 bootleg Pokemon weed humor images out of 5:

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Day 1: Zombie Hunter (2013) 1h 33min

Sometimes people take two ideas, mash them together, and create magic.  Peanut butter cups are that kind of magic.  Zombie Hunter is not that kind of magic.  It's more like cereal and milk that have been sitting for a long time.  Two things could be great together, but you went and fucked it up!

One part Road Warrior, one part Planet Terror, and a dash of Machete.  A combo that would be awesome except it seems that director and editor seemed to had no real background with grindhouse style films.  Add the fact that your characters are tropes like horny teenage 20-something, burly redneck guy, girl next door, older father/grandpa type, and a girl named "Fast Lane" Debbie... well... you know where this is going.

Zombies exist because of a drug called "natas" (Satan backwards if you didn't notice that).  We find this out because of the polite stripper-looking news anchor on channel 44.    After a very long vomit scene with her co-anchor, which the news camera films all of in close-up, we're given this filler-ish backstory about things revolving around some drug users.  The only redeeming part of this scene is that they made a fake Blek Le Rat graffiti piece in the background.

From there we get introduced to our Australian actor, driving a souped up black sports car, and wearing a leather jacket.  Known only as "Hunter," this is our main character.  Not Danny Trejo, who is on the fucking poster, but this guy.  For the remainder of this post Mr. Trejo will be referred to as Dubstep Trejo in regards to his action scenes having absurd dubstep playing over them.  He has maybe three scenes at most in this film before he gets his head ripped off.  Two of those scenes have Dubstep Trejo shirtless and swinging a full sized wood axe to kill zombies.  That man is fucking rad and money well spent.  For real, I love Mr. Trejo in films.

There isn't much plot to describe from here on out: Hunter meets our tropes; Hunter and the tropes attempt to escape; people get picked off by either zombies, super zombies that look like a mix of the Tyrant from the Resident Evil 1 game and Nemesis from the Resident Evil 3 game, or the crazy giant guy with clown paint and a chainsaw (whoop whoop); nice girl and her 20-teen brother are the sole survivors.

The only one of my notes I haven't touched on here are just the words "stripper magic!"  I don't remember what this was referring to, but strippers are indeed magical...  Actually, I shouldn't say stripper.  As an acquaintance once referred to his occupation, they are "fantasy technicians."

On that educational note, I give Zombie Hunter two Danny Trejo tattoos out of five.

tattoo by Marco Lunez of Koi Tattoo, Brazil

Day 29: From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (1999) 1h 34min

Okay, so a sequel that I have some background with.  I've seen the original From Dusk Till Dawn, which was written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriguez.  From Dusk Till Dawn 3 is written by Robert Rodriguez's cousin, Álvaro Rodriguez.  I know that sounds like it's made up, but it's true.  It was filmed by a guy whose credits include unnecessary sequels to films that were already great (such as Lost Boys: The Tribe) and TV shows based off of films (but not the From Dusk Till Dawn TV series).  This gives you an idea of what's going to go on here.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure what's going in here.  Our two groups of characters end up all at the bordello where Danny Trejo serves up tequila and angry looks.  One group is banditos and the other group consists of a pastor, his wife, and the American author/journalist Ambrose Bierce.  Ambrose was a real person that went to join Pancho Villa's army and was never seen again.  That's what happens when a white guy from Ohio does stupid shit.  Equally stupid shit people from Ohio have done, worn a Brown's jersey at the one diner in Pittsburgh and supposedly got stabbed in the bathroom.  I'm pretty sure that's an urban legend, but it's one Yinzer's like.  Also, it's a better story than this film.

This is all pretty much what you expect from a From Dusk Till Dawn film.  Vampires, snake women vampires, debauchery, lots of killing and like a half hour fight scene, and my favorite part where the main vampire woman (that isn't the hangman's daughter) dies.  Dawn comes, she gets caught in the sun and is trying to back into the bordello.  She ends up getting trapped in the door spike/lock things and becomes burnt super crisp for a second.  I half watched the scene and was exhausted from work so I looked over and just said out loud "Whoopie Goldberg?!" before the vampire turned to dust.  The whole movie then ends with some shitty SyFy channel style CGI where the entire screen is just a computer generated shart.

I give From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter 1 plastic vampire fang out of 5: