Carnage Park (2016) 1h 30m

I feel like the person that wrote the description for this film was given a couple of blurry .jpgs and told to "figure it out."  It made it seem like this was going to be a mix of vigilante justice and survival instincts.  The actual movie was more of a broken wish for grindhouse goodness and a clown's tear in the lonely desert.  You figure out what that means because it just came to mind when thinking about this.

Carnage Park's main protagonist is a woman kidnapped during a bank robbery.  After a very Tarantino/Reservoir Dogs intro where one robber is driving the car and the other is shot in the backseat yelling about how he is about to die, they both end up dead.  The former is killed by a crazy most-dangerous-game-esq sniper.  The sniper then sets up the kidnapped girl to hunt her in the fuck-all California desert.

I seriously thought this film was over at three different occasions before it actually ended.  I found myself wishing that each time it would have.  They drop the grindhouse flow by the end of the first quarter of the film with only smatterings of it coming back.  They have the Tarantino beginning but then end it very Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Add about an hour of just a woman wandering in the desert and that's all this film was.  I got up and dropped a deuce and just left the film playing because I knew I wouldn't missing anything of merit.

I give Carnage Park 0 Mr. Pinks out of 5:

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Day 29: From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (1999) 1h 34min

Okay, so a sequel that I have some background with.  I've seen the original From Dusk Till Dawn, which was written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriguez.  From Dusk Till Dawn 3 is written by Robert Rodriguez's cousin, Álvaro Rodriguez.  I know that sounds like it's made up, but it's true.  It was filmed by a guy whose credits include unnecessary sequels to films that were already great (such as Lost Boys: The Tribe) and TV shows based off of films (but not the From Dusk Till Dawn TV series).  This gives you an idea of what's going to go on here.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure what's going in here.  Our two groups of characters end up all at the bordello where Danny Trejo serves up tequila and angry looks.  One group is banditos and the other group consists of a pastor, his wife, and the American author/journalist Ambrose Bierce.  Ambrose was a real person that went to join Pancho Villa's army and was never seen again.  That's what happens when a white guy from Ohio does stupid shit.  Equally stupid shit people from Ohio have done, worn a Brown's jersey at the one diner in Pittsburgh and supposedly got stabbed in the bathroom.  I'm pretty sure that's an urban legend, but it's one Yinzer's like.  Also, it's a better story than this film.

This is all pretty much what you expect from a From Dusk Till Dawn film.  Vampires, snake women vampires, debauchery, lots of killing and like a half hour fight scene, and my favorite part where the main vampire woman (that isn't the hangman's daughter) dies.  Dawn comes, she gets caught in the sun and is trying to back into the bordello.  She ends up getting trapped in the door spike/lock things and becomes burnt super crisp for a second.  I half watched the scene and was exhausted from work so I looked over and just said out loud "Whoopie Goldberg?!" before the vampire turned to dust.  The whole movie then ends with some shitty SyFy channel style CGI where the entire screen is just a computer generated shart.

I give From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter 1 plastic vampire fang out of 5: