Children of the Corn (1984) 1h 32m

You know that scene in Spaceballs where Yogurt is talking about the merchandising of Spaceballs and shilling things like Spaceballs the toilet paper, Spaceballs the three-hole punch, or whatever?  That's kind of how this felt.  Although, instead of selling you something it makes sure that you know that this is a work by Stephen King.  The title card and poster both say "Stephen King's Children of the Corn," as well as having other works by him listed, and it goes as far as to have a copy of Night Shift (The post Penthouse option for this story) sitting in paperback form on the dash of the outlander's car.  I'm surprised the two helpful kids here haven't had their names changed to "Stephen" and "King" for the film!  Okay, I'm jumping too far ahead of myself now.

Children of the Corn takes place in Gatlin, Nebraska where a drought has caused a lack of crops in this farming community.  A boy, Issac, gathers the other youths in the town, claiming he has some divine contact with a entity known as "He who walks behind the rows," and gets the children to murder all of the adults in the town.  Once this is done the corn crop flourishes and the remaining under-18 crowd create a new society and religion.  Cue our adults, Burt and Vicky.  Their coming is foretold by a clairvoyant young girl and Issac, Malachai, and the other cult children prepare for their coming.

Children of the Damned and Children of the Corn are probably the most quintessential creepy children films.  Between Issac's voice and appearance, and Malachai's penchant for violence, there's always something to make you feel just slightly unsettled.  In addition to that, there's no down-time with this film.  It's just scene after scene after scene of something happening or plot development.  I'm not complaining, it's just something that I haven't payed attention to on previous viewings, but it really keeps you engaged with the film.

The only major issue I have with Children of the Corn is that its effects are dated as fuuuuccckkk!  The rotoscoped lightning and claiming of Issac, the sky color change, and let's not forget when Issac is on a cross and it just shoots up and spirals in the air like a child throwing an action figure.  I'm sure they did what they could with what they had, but damn!  Also the unexplained actions of the children ransacking Burt and Vicky's car and then just filling it with corn stalks seems excessive.  We get it!  Your shit is corn!  Calm the fuck down!

Fun fact to end this review on:  While researching this I found out that the kid that played Issac also played Cousin It in the Adams Family films (and MC Hammer video).

I give Children of the Corn 4 rotoscopes out of 5:

Dreamcatcher (2003) 2h 14m

It's been a long ass time since I've read a Stephen King book.  My husband has read a bunch though and told me that the movies are always bad versions of the books because they miss a lot of explanation.  Holy fuck does this movie have a lot that feels random and I just need to accept.  Dick biting lamprey creatures, the greys, psychic powers that might as well be the Shining, Morgan Freeman, Morgan Freeman's giant eyebrows, mind libraries, neurodiverse individuals with greater psychic powers, Jason Lee...

Dreamcatcher has a group of friends that all share some form of psychic connection.  We find out that these are gifted to them by Dudits, the neurodiverse boy they rescue from some teenage assholes in a really uncomfortable scene.  When the group is getting together for one of their planned Winter cabin bro-outs the animals all start running away and then a dick biting lamprey comes out of some stranger's butt.  From there we get more aliens, psychic crap, and then even weirder alien stuff all mixed with Morgan Freeman's crazy eyebrow extensions and covert military stuff.

Like I said, there was entirely too much going on in this film and not enough explanation.  It had a decent cast, acting, and effects (for 2003) but I still don't know why the fuck Morgan Freeman was so obsessed with this shit or ordered there.  Or why the fucking monsters went straight for the dick!  The ending was not bad but once again more fucking random alien shit and then it's just over.  Done.  Just like I am with this review.

I give Dreamcatcher 1 lamprey out of 5:

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Day 3: Mercy (2014) 1h 19m

Finally, 30 Days of Plight has come back to the United States for 2014's Mercy.  I feel like at this point in my life I should know that when I see either A) a star-studded cast, or B) "based on a work by Stephen King," then great fuckery is afoot.  Also, why is Mark Duplass seemingly cast as a creep and/or jerk so much?  Is it typecasting for how he is in real life?  I want to think Mark Duplass is a cool guy in real life. #Iwanttobelieve

Mercy is based off the Stephen King short story "Gramma" which I have never read.  Although, it's now added to my list of things that I say I kind of want to read but probably never will if I'm being honest with myself.  This movie starts out pretty strong with a man walking into a room with an axe, spinning it around in his hand, and promptly splitting his own skull with it, all in front of his wife.  This movie could have ended here and I would sing it's accolades from the highest of mountain tops.  Too bad there was still another hour and 17 minutes to go.

Our main character is George (Chandler Riggs of The Walking Dead fame and "hey Carl" memes).  His grandmother has a seizure and is put in a home.  Then, a year later, she has a stroke and George and his brother and mother return to fake West Virginia to take care of their ailing family member.  We meet George's creepy asshole uncle (Mark Duplass) and this married friend of George's mom that both George and his brother state they have no problem if this dude (Dylan McDermott) and their mom banged.  I feel like Dylan McDermott hasn't changed his look since the first season of American Horror Story and everyone is afraid to tell him to with each passing film.  To pull this back to the film, the long and short of it is that the in her youth the grandmother found this made-up witchcraft item known as a "weeping book" where if you cry on the pages while thinking of your wish it will make the ink appear.  She made some agreement with a demon named Hastur and had triplets.  The beginning scene with the axe was her and her husband.  Now Hastur has come to apparently try to use her body to possess George.  I'm kind of confused on the whole Hastur thing here, especially since I know that name from the Cthulhu mythos, and when they show him he looks nothing like the rad drawing of him they showed earlier.  He looks more like a dark variant of Moss-Man from the He-Man toys.  George defeats Hatsur by being brave and crying on the book while stating that he loved his grandma.  For real, the big "saves the day" thing is that weak.

Mercy was very good visually and talent wise, but I feel that the storytelling of it could have been done much better.  What it lacked in substance it tried to make up for with suspense-by-omission.  In this case it came off as poor writing, at least to me.  I can't really damn this film just because I didn't really like it all that much, but technically I can as this is a horror film review blog... so, suck it, Mercy!

I give Mercy 1 Dylan McDermott ass shot out of 5:

Day 12: Cujo (1983) 1h 32min

All that I ever knew about Cujo was that it was a movie about a dog that kills people and it was written by Stephen King.  Apparently Mr. King has been quoted as saying that his drinking problem was so bad at this time that he doesn't even remember writing the book.  That right there should be grounds for why this movie shouldn't have been made.  While there have been many alcoholic writers throughout history, Stephen King was not one of the ones that wrote fucking masterpieces while in a drunken haze.

Coming into this I hoped Cujo was some demon possessed hound from hell.  Instead, it's literally just about a dog that chases a rabbit into a secret entrance to the Bat Cave.  His barking wakes bats and they bite his face, thus starting the demonic plague of rabies!  You know that part in the bible where Jesus happens upon a man possessed by many demons and they say their name is Rabies...  yeah, because rabies isn't evil!  It sucks for an animal to get it, but it's not scary.

Also, why weren't those bats showing signs of rabies?  Once signs show an animal dies in the next 10 days.  Bats don't just have rabies like snakes have venom.

Most of this film is people screaming and the dog barking.  "Cujo" does sound much better than "Dog Barks/People Scream: The Movie." Cujo mostly takes place with a boy and his mom being trapped in a broken car while Cujo constantly tries to fuck them up.  The kid is an awful actor and only wears pajamas most of the time.  He apparently dies in the book, but lives in at the end of the movie.  I couldn't care either way.

That's it!  That's Cujo!  Rabid dog fucks shit up!  Apparently there are people that think Cujo's problem isn't actually the rabies but rather he is possessed by the spirit of Frank Dodd from King's The Dead Zone.  It's the same area and there is a brief mention of Dodd at the beginning, but I feel this is just people wanting to make this movie more interesting that it really is.  The dog has rabies and becomes an asshole.  End of story.

I give Cujo 0 VW Rabbits out of 5