Day 7: The Brainiac (1962) 1h 17m

Tagged as "the most bizarre horror movie," 1962's The Brainiac is a Mexican masterpiece of b-movies.  This film needs to put on a Luchador mask and become a folk hero for a small village.  It's that kind of movie.

We kick things off on 1661 (or IGGI as the choice of typeface for this info was butt).  A man is being tried for heresy, necromancy, and all the other things that good metal albums are written about.  While laughing off the list of tortures they attempted on him, his hooded judges eventually send him to be burned at the stake.  Before he gets lit up we get to look at a blurry painting of what a five-year-old thinks a comet looks like, over and over again.  He then says that in 300 years he will return to kill the ancestors of the judges and proceeds to call out each of their names, even though their identities are hidden.  From there it's a tiny model of a bonfire that is really close to the camera while the rest of the people are in the background.

Fast forward those 300 years, because fuck history of anything, and another comet is seen in the sky.  A professor and some amateur astronomers look through a super powered telescope to find it.  Then the amateurs go outside with what might as well be a paper towel roll and see the comet ten times as big over the city!  The comet becomes a foam stone on a string and gently sets down outside the city before transforming into a space monster.  Why a space monster?  I don't know.  Maybe our crispy strip from the past was into the X-files.

So he eats part of a guys brain with a snake tongue to the back of the neck, and then turns into a Mexican man.  I feel like this is how certain political candidates see the Mexican people.  You know who I'm talking about.  Eh! EH!

The rest of the movie is a series of awkward transformations and poorly executed Dracula eye lighting.  On top of that, probably 75% of scenes are someone walking toward a photo backdrop.  He also just has a bowl of brains he occasionally eats out of and hides it in the worst places ever!  I don't really get how his powers work either.  It might be hypnotizing but it might be some alien power, maybe it's the CIA, I have no clue.  There is a train of revenge murders and some bootleg proton packs that are apparently flame throwers and that's the end of our moon necromancer from the year IGGI!

I love bad horror movies, so if I were going to give this a rating as far as the artistic merit and storytelling, then it would be a fat round zero.  However, I give this a rating based on what I thought of it...

I give The Brainiac a solid 3 tin foil hats out of 5:

Day 6: Event Horizon (1997) 1h 36m

Infinite Space.  Infinite things that this movie reminded me of...  I didn't see it when it came out, but my main comment on this whole film is "Holy fuck is this movie super 90's!"

Event Horizon looked like someone watched a bunch of Nine Inch Nails videos and then decided to set them in space.  Also, within the first 10 minutes I had already created a list of things, related to this movie, that I would rather be doing.  These include: Watching Alien, playing Doom, listening to The Downward Spiral... you get the point

Our basic premise is that the dude from Jurassic Park built the spaceship the Event Horizon.  After not hearing anything from the crew there is another group, lead by Laurence Fishburne, which set out to do recon.  Upon arrival everyone begins to experience hellish hallucinations.  These range from a woman seeing her child with horrible burns on his legs, to our JP star reliving his wife's suicide.  All of this lead into the reveal that the ship has has a device on it which might as well be the lament configuration from Hellraiser.  It sucked the old crew into another dimension of torture and pain (like Hellraiser) and then returned.

In the interest of full disclosure, I fell asleep with 10 minutes left in this movie.  It wasn't a bad film by any means, it was just a bit slow in the pacing.  I did go back and watch the ending of the film later, but I have the feeling of "Eh, I watched it... I'm good."

I give Event Horizon 2 copies of The Downward Spiral out of 5:

Day 5: The Blood Lands (a.k.a. White Settlers) (2014) 1h 19m

You know what isn't a totally new idea?  Home invasion movies where the invaders wear animal masks!  Guess what this film has?

The Blood Lands (originally known as "White Settlers" for some reason I can't comprehend since these are white people going to white land) focuses on an English couple that moves into a home in the Scotland countryside.  I thought I recognized the actress from the British comedy Coupling, but it wasn't her.  Many sad faces should go here.  The guy's big credit was Tutor 4 in Billy Elliot the film.  I just heavy sighed while typing that.  It's a sigh of severe disappointment.

In the night, the couple is attacked by a bunch of men wearing some really good pig masks.  Where in the hell does one find such a well made pig mask in the middle of fuck all Scotland?!  Our invaders are Scottish nationalists (not so much the skinhead oi oi kind of nationalists, but more the hooligan national pride kind of nationalists... actually... they're almost the same).  Their goal isn't to kill our protagonists but rather scare them, drive them to a city in England, and leave them bound in a random park.  That's it.  The only actual kill comes from the woman smashing a guy's face with a 2x4.

About 20 minutes into this film I stopped caring.  It was slow, the main guy is an asshole, and the overall concept was something I've seen a million times.  The only change was the ending, which was anti-climactic.  Don't waste your time on this.  Either my fiancé or I thought this was going to be good at some point and added it to our "to watch" list on Netflix.  I immediately took it off our list.  I took that bullet so he won't have to!  That's love.  That's real fuckin'  from the heart love...

I give The Blood Lands 0 rain boot wearing teacup pigs out of 5:

Day 4: Here Comes the Devil (Ahí va el Diablo) (2012) 1h 37m

Returning back to our continent and our neighbors to the south, Here Comes the Devil is a Mexican horror film in which I couldn't give two shits about after watching this.  The pacing was slow and added nothing of suspense to it.  The story was boring as hell.  The acting was fine in it, so I can't fault anyone there.  However, rather than my usual "I'll explain this film so you don't have to watch it," tactic I take with bad films, I'm just going to type up my notes for it so you can hopefully create a better film in your head.  Some of this would make good book titles.  Here we go!

Instant lesbians!
Naked whaaa?
Period
Is this gonna be weird incest?
Did the devil bang her?
Is that the Mexican Captain Spalding?
You can't be a badass w/a filet knife
That's not the same knife
That's not how throats work
Wait. WTF was the point of that lesbian scene?!
If "Lucio" is lucifer, fuck this shit
I wish this woman had a sweet mustache too
Ewww weird satanic incest
Wait, real kids are dead
Party clothes? Church trap?
Did she fart on the fake child?!
Ah, fuck this movie!
Satan can't drive for shit!
Why grindcore now?!

The end.  I don't know why a movie with almost no music aside from atmosphere instrumentation suddenly had fucking metal growling over the credits.  I guess they figured they dropped the Satan ball on the 1-yard line and needed to pick it up somehow to score.

Here Comes the Devil gets 0 devil lotería cards out of 5:

Day 3: Rigor Mortis (2013) 1h 43m

I have a love of horror films from Asian countries.  I've seen a few that have been really awful, and some American attempts at copying that style that have failed miserably!  However, Rigor Mortis was a solid C-horror (that's Chinese horror, not C-grade horror) film that does an excellent mix of vampires, ghosts, and magic in a way I haven't seen in a long time.

Focusing on Chin, an ex-actor that moves into an apartment building after his wife apparently left with his child, we're treated to a cast of provocative characters.  There's Yau who comes from a line of vampire hunters, but since vampires have long died out he is merely a cook.  Gau is a dark magic practitioner that exists with everyone else but is called on to help bring a man (Tung) back to life by his wife (Aunti Mui).  Finally there is Pak, the small boy, and Yeung, his mentally traumatized mother.  Chin's apartment 2442 once housed a murder followed by a suicide, and after his own suicide attempt causes one of the spirits to attempt a possession, the supernatural elements come out of the woodwork.

The ghost twins in this film are as stunning as any macabre spirit you find in Asian cinema.  Their presence is enhanced by the dramatic CGI elements encircling them.  The vampire is straight out of Chinese lore; gliding just above the ground with both arms straight out.  The fight scenes are vivid and dynamically filmed.  Couple that with martial arts and mysticism and they make this almost two hour film grip you until the credits roll.  Seriously, I loved this film from the moment the suicide/possession scene started.

Surprisingly, according to IMDB, this film did not do well State-side with the reviewers.  Well, fuck 'em!  Watch this film if you like foreign horror and don't mind subtitles.  There might be a dubbed version, but c'mon... subs are bullshit!

I give Rigor Mortis 3 Chinese vampire table-top miniatures out of 5:

Day 2: Curse of Chucky (2013) 1h 37m

Normally, when you reach the 6th film in a horror series you're expecting it to be awful.  Truthfully, the only terrible thing about Curse of Chucky is that it was a straight-to-DVD release.  Sure, the last few films were overly campy and comedic, but Curse of Chucky returned to its horror roots and deserved a shot on the big screen.

At this point everyone should be familiar with the Good Guys doll known as Chucky.  The doll is possessed by the spirit of a serial killer (Charles Lee Ray) that used the Vodou diety Danbala/Damballa to transfer his soul and escape death.  He then spends the movies killing people and attempting to transfer his soul into a child.

Curse of Chucky keeps this overall premise but through the addition of skillful camera work, good acting (even from the child), and the doll being made to have an extra frightening look make this film tower over the rest.  I could go on about how much I loved the new doll design.  The eyes of it looked human, sometimes having veins or dilating pupils.  They also create a total change in the face from when it's just a possessed and from when Chucky is in full control.

The writers of this film also chose to expand the back story of Charles Lee Ray, right up to his soul transfer into the Good Guys doll in the first film.  They also throw in nods to the last five films, acknowledging them as cannon, but not dwelling on them to keep the focus on this film.

I was honestly blown away with how much I liked this film.  I really like the first Child's Play.  I was a kid when it came out and was piss-my-pants scared of the entire concept   Curse of Chucky made me remember why I was scared of that film as a kid.  I'm not saying this is cinema brilliance, but fuck was this a good horror film.

I give Curse of Chucky 4 Good Guys dolls out of 5:

Day 1: Zombie Hunter (2013) 1h 33min

Sometimes people take two ideas, mash them together, and create magic.  Peanut butter cups are that kind of magic.  Zombie Hunter is not that kind of magic.  It's more like cereal and milk that have been sitting for a long time.  Two things could be great together, but you went and fucked it up!

One part Road Warrior, one part Planet Terror, and a dash of Machete.  A combo that would be awesome except it seems that director and editor seemed to had no real background with grindhouse style films.  Add the fact that your characters are tropes like horny teenage 20-something, burly redneck guy, girl next door, older father/grandpa type, and a girl named "Fast Lane" Debbie... well... you know where this is going.

Zombies exist because of a drug called "natas" (Satan backwards if you didn't notice that).  We find this out because of the polite stripper-looking news anchor on channel 44.    After a very long vomit scene with her co-anchor, which the news camera films all of in close-up, we're given this filler-ish backstory about things revolving around some drug users.  The only redeeming part of this scene is that they made a fake Blek Le Rat graffiti piece in the background.

From there we get introduced to our Australian actor, driving a souped up black sports car, and wearing a leather jacket.  Known only as "Hunter," this is our main character.  Not Danny Trejo, who is on the fucking poster, but this guy.  For the remainder of this post Mr. Trejo will be referred to as Dubstep Trejo in regards to his action scenes having absurd dubstep playing over them.  He has maybe three scenes at most in this film before he gets his head ripped off.  Two of those scenes have Dubstep Trejo shirtless and swinging a full sized wood axe to kill zombies.  That man is fucking rad and money well spent.  For real, I love Mr. Trejo in films.

There isn't much plot to describe from here on out: Hunter meets our tropes; Hunter and the tropes attempt to escape; people get picked off by either zombies, super zombies that look like a mix of the Tyrant from the Resident Evil 1 game and Nemesis from the Resident Evil 3 game, or the crazy giant guy with clown paint and a chainsaw (whoop whoop); nice girl and her 20-teen brother are the sole survivors.

The only one of my notes I haven't touched on here are just the words "stripper magic!"  I don't remember what this was referring to, but strippers are indeed magical...  Actually, I shouldn't say stripper.  As an acquaintance once referred to his occupation, they are "fantasy technicians."

On that educational note, I give Zombie Hunter two Danny Trejo tattoos out of five.

tattoo by Marco Lunez of Koi Tattoo, Brazil