Day 22: Visions (2015) 1h 22m

Did you ever see that one Sandra Bullock movie?  She only made one movie, right?  For real though, did you ever see Premonition?  I did, the ending was hilarious but the rest of the movie was a bucket of fuck.  So why am I talking about Premonition when the heading up there says "Visions?"  It's because Premonition kind of had the same premise, but it was done better.  I feel dirty after saying that.

Visions revolves around a woman who moved with her husband from L.A. to a vineyard a year after she was in a car accident.  Once present in the vineyard she starts to see crazy things such as a person in a hood or wine bottles explode when those things aren't happening.  Juggling these weird visions and her pregnancy makes her eventually leave the house for her safety.  Her husband and her doctor (Sheldon from Big Bang Theory) chalk it up to hormones, as a man does...

Eventually everything starts to click and the visions were from one specific night in which something terrible was going to happen.  She realizes that it's that night but it's after she has returned to the house thinking her husband was going to leave with her.  Two friends enter the house under the pretense of the female's water having broke and she won't make it to the hospital in time.  The truth is that the laboring woman is actually the woman in the other car from the accident I mentioned above.  Her baby died in that accident so she tracked down our main woman, found out she was pregnant, and then planned to cut the baby out and steal it.  Chalk it up to hormones?

This leads to a sweet throat cutting scene where the crazy lady gets killed.  That was the high point of the film.  Everything else was kind of lame.  There is a bunch of folk magic and fetishes that our main lady keeps finding, but the only explanation to any of it that we get is when she confronts one of the worker's wives and says it's to keep the evil one or dark one away. I can't remember which, but our lady makes that face/head tilt a dog does when you ask him something and he has no fucking clue what you said.  I feel that way after watching this movie too.  A perpetual state of "whaaaaaaaa?"

I give Visions 1 adorable pug doing the head tilt out of 5:

Day 21: Rubber (2010) 1h 22m

Sometimes you really want something, and you hope and hope and hope that it'll happen.  I was doing that with Rubber.  I was hoping and hoping that this would come up at some point in doing this blog.  Every time I would pass it I felt this want, this desire, to see this film with a murder tire just to understand it.  Why did you haunt me tire?!  WHHHHHYYYYYY?

In truth, 2010's Rubber isn't really meant to be understood.  The very first thing we're treated to is a speech about how some things are really nothing and there is no real reason for why certain things happen or exist in film.  It's a good way to set the entire concept of a sentient tire that either has a psychokinesis or maybe a sound/air pressure ability to make things explode.  I don't recall if it gets explained.

After our speech we are introduced to the "audience."  They are literally a group of spectators that are part of the movie, but watching the movie and commenting on it from a hilltop.  All but one are poisoned but the movie is only allowed to end once they're all dead.  So the film continues.

I think that if this film attempted to be serious, it would fail terribly.  Instead, they knew exactly what they were doing.  They were making a film about a murder tire, and so they had fun with it.  They do a great job of making the tire have these horror movie moments, such as being in a shower to scare a maid.  For what it was, I liked it.  It wasn't amazing, I'm not running out to buy it, but I enjoyed it and I'll tell other people to watch it at least once, just to watch it.

I give Rubber 3 Road Kill Cafe menus out of 5:

Day 20: Dark Summer (2015) 1h 21m

Few things are weirder than watching a movie set around a guy that is on house arrest for cyber stalking and realizing the actor kind of resembles your ex.  Well, not your ex, my ex.  Which wouldn't be weird for you, unless you knew him too.  It makes it weirder because I wonder if he could cyber stalk someone... oh god!  He could be doing it right now! WooooOOOOOOOOoooooo!  That should be read as a spooky ghost noise, not some sort of cheer.

Dark Summer follows Daniel on his post cyber crime/ankle bracelet probation.  After getting his friends to bury a router in the neighbors yard (which, fuck you, that wouldn't work) he ends up getting a Skype call from the girl he was stalking and she kills herself on camera.  From here Daniel begins to have these episodes which could be chalked up to craziness, but you actually find out it's because the girl cast a love spell on him which caused the start of his obsession.  This entire film is a set-up for the spirit of the girl trying to come back to be with Daniel.

That's probably the easiest and shortest description of an entire film I've ever done, but that's it.  There's nothing too interesting.  The ghost related scenes aren't super great and the spellwork was dumb.  The only thing that made me have any feelings during this movie was when the best-friend/secret crush of Daniel gave him a jar full of 1000 paper stars and the ghost breaks it.  Fuck that ghost girl.  Fuck Daniel.  Fuck this movie.

I give Dark Summer 1 jar of stars out of 5:

Day 19: Creep (2014) 1h 17m

I think that if you ever go to a cabin, way deep in the woods, no matter how nice it is, if there's a brand new axe sitting in a stump outside then that's your sign that your shit is gonna get wrecked.  Also if Mark Duplass keeps jumping out at you all day, you're gonna get wrecked.

So Netflix felt that I didn't have enough shaky-cam faux real life films and gifted me with 2014's Creep.  Creep is not only written by Mark Duplass and Patrick Brice, but they are the only two actors in it.  Also, this is supposedly the first of a trilogy.  Nothing against Mark and Patrick, but this film didn't really make me want to watch two more.

The premise is simple enough: Mark hires Patrick to come and film him during the day.  Mark says he has a tumor and wants to have a video of himself for his unborn child in case he doesn't survive.  Mark seems a bit off from the start but you kind of chalk it up to one of those "I'm gonna die so every second is precious" type mentalities.

Over time Mark gets weirder and weirder to Patrick, who stays way longer than he ever should have.  After a confrontation between the two we loose the camera shot and the film seems done.  Instead we shift the focus of the camera over to Patrick who explains what happened and continues a video diary of all the crazy shit Mark keeps sending him such as a DVD of Mark digging a fake grave, or a locket with their pictures and initials.

The rest of the film continues with this until the "whatever" ending.  I'm kind of done doing this review, and I'm kind of done with this film.  I'm not saying it was badly done, it was just boring and not super original.

I give Creep 2 copies of The League out of 5:

Day 18: Would You Rather (2012) 1h 33m

Oh god!  That fucking poster... I don't even know what the onamonapia would be to describe the internal wretch that my body did when I first saw this.  The noise for me watching this movie though is a solid "meeeehhhhhhhhhh."

Would You Rather is exactly what you think it is.  Rich douche bags assemble a group of individuals under the pretense of giving them money for simply playing a game.  We're not aware of why each player is assembled except for one girl named Iris.  She is playing to be able to get her brother a bone marrow transplant so he won't die.  The game itself is an extreme version where they go around the table with the violent dares until each round ends.  Someone does cut their eye with a razor.  Fuck that scene because not much makes me squirm but, goddamn man!

At its core, this is just another torture porn film.  Giving people the option to choose doesn't take away from that fact.  It just makes your villain more evil.  They try too hard to make Iris overly "human" in this, and the "shock" at the very end becomes all too obvious because of this fact.  I really didn't give a fuck about any of the characters in this, even Iris.  The bad guys made me hate them, but everyone else was just flat.

I give Would You Rather 1 hilarious looking dude bending a sjambok out of 5:

Day 17: Archivo 253 (2015) 1h 19m

I was listing things in my head that irk me about "found footage" films, and I think the number one thing that really bugs me is who the fuck finds these cameras or tapes or whatever and survives with them? Most of the films end with a camera falling as someone is getting killed. So why don't the people that "find" the footage get killed too?

Archivo 253 followed the found footage format list bit by bit. We have a creepy location with a abandoned mental hospital where they not only did hydrotherapy and ECT, but exorcisms! We have a group of four 20-somethings that like to go and hunt ghosts. We have a ton of night vision camera footage. There is the obligatory jump scare early on where it was something that isn't supernatural. Finally, when we do see what the evil spirit or creature thing is, it is only for a split second. Spoilers on this, it looks kind of like Gollum from LoTR. I was unimpressed

Actually, I was unimpressed with this whole movie. Part of me wants to like it, but there really wasn't anything to hook me. I've seen a lot of these films. Hell, I saw The Blair Witch Project when it came out in theatres... twice! And Archivo 253 was really just a by-the-book horror film. I crave something new with this sub-genre of horror! Found footage at this point really only works well with things like the V/H/S films where it's a combination of short films put together. That way I don't have to deal with over an hour of your bullshit repetitive plot lines!

Also, what the fuck is the deal with the hair in this film? Did I miss something with the subtitles?! There is a gross fucking cistern full of hair and then their room looks like someone dumped a barber shop trash bag on the floor! Google yielded nothing, so I want it explained to me! Now! I demand it! It's fucking gross! He touched the sewer hair and picked it up! I'm done. Mexico can keep this fucking movie!

I give Archivo 253 1 video camera out of 5:

Day 16: Burying the Ex (2014) 1h 29m

Keeping the horror/comedy train rolling is 2014's Burying the Ex.  While I can't place my finger on it, this film reminded me a lot of John Dies at the End.  I thought it could be something like they shared a director, but that's not the case.  In fact, the only thing Burying the Ex's director did that I care about is five episodes of the TV show Eerie Indiana back in the day.  I hope they have that on Netflix.  I'll binge watch the shit out of that tomorrow if they do!

Burying the Ex has a plot on par with pre-Comic Code horror comics.  Evelyn, the girlfriend of our main character Max, makes a promise to love Max forever while standing next to some Satan Genie thing which apparently has real magical powers.  Evelyn gets hit by a bus and dies but returns from the grave to be an even crazier person than she was in real life.  In the meantime, Max was going to break up with her when she got hit by the bus and has since moved on to a much cooler girl that makes ice cream with horror themed names.  She made a Fruit Brute ice cream for satan's sake!  Who wouldn't love a girl like that?!  Well, I guess gay men.  That's the obvious answer there.

You can kind of guess what's going to happen during this with an undead ex and a new cooler girlfriend.  Over all I really liked this film.  I even recommended it to my fiancé because I figured he'd like it too.  I recommend it to you too if you like horror/comedy movies.

I give Burying the Ex 3 IDKWTF this stockphoto is out of 5: