The Babysitter (2017) 1h 25m

I've heard mixed things about this Netflix original.  It's a McG production and, despite sounding like a forgotten 90's McDonald's mascot, you probably recognize that name if you've ever watched the credits to an episode of Supernatural... or Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.  I'm not going to judge you, the Charlie's Angels remakes were actually trashy good.  Just avoid the PS2 game as it's stick your dick in salted glass shards bad.  Now the question is, is The Babysitter that bad?

I just had to look at the IMDB because I forgot everyone's name in this.  Cole is one of those super geek kids that is supposed to be 12 but looks like he is about to graduate high school.  He has an awkward knowledge of sex (despite being able to look up and read the entirety of the plot to Mad Men in a night), thinks Pluto should be a planet again, and still has a babysitter.  Enter Bee: the super cool/hot older girl that Cole has a crush on because puberty crushes on your babysitter isn't weird at all.  Of course that gets complicated by the fact that Cole finds out that Bee is running a demonic cult ritual in his living room while he sleeps.  Complete with murder, stereotypes, and the Korean-American girl from the Pitch Perfect films.

Do you like my script?

I wanted to give this movie a fair shot, despite what I had heard.  I made it about twenty minutes into it before I was pretty much done.  It's one of those movies where I picture the person that wrote the script and I assume it's the Steve Buscemi meme of "how's do you do, fellow kids?"

From there it had the goofiness of Murder Party but none of the heart.  The cheerleader is obsessed with her gun shot tit, the jock attempts to get Cole to stand up to his bully while simultaneously trying to kill him, and I don't even remember what happens to the black guy in the movie because that's how unmemorable they made him.  Also, why the hell is the ground so foggy?!  That's probably something bad and you should move!  It'll make your balls shrink or something.

The only thing The Babysitter has going for it is its use of licensed music.  When we first meet Bee it's cued in by Peaches "Boys Wanna Be Her" which has that dirty 70's two-note guitar riff which probably has the power to give erections in some cultures.  We also get the ending scene backed by Queen's "We Are the Champions," but it doesn't fit as well.  Shaun of the Dead already used "Don't Stop Me Now" perfectly, so I think this should've been swapped out with some "Stone Cold Crazy" or maybe the guitar solo into the end of "Death on Two Legs."  I would much rather write about Queen songs than this movie, in case you couldn't tell. 

I give The Babysitter a 2 copies of Adventures in Babysitting out of 5 because it has merit, just not that much:

Interview: Douglas A. Ewen (writer/director) of Harmonized Combustion

If it weren't for the Troma film Terror Firmer then I probably wouldn't have ever made this website.  I know that's a weird pull, but stick with me here.  In college, it was the first Troma film I had access to, but more so than that it was the first time I was able to really recognize independent film.  Previously my associations with independent film were neutral.  It didn't feel accessible for just anyone to make a film, until I saw the absurdity that was Troma.

So what does this have to do with Douglas A. Ewen?  He is an independent writer and director making his own film dream come true.  His first project, Harmonized Combustion, is in the process of wrapping up and running an IndieGoGo to film its final scene.  What is Harmonized Combustion?  Glad you asked:

"In this devilish romance tale of revenge, glamorous 80’s dark synth and bandmate battles. Rae, our cursed beauty, finds herself hopelessly in love with the one person who she can never truly be with, Parker. The frontman to a rising local band and the love of all who hears him play. Parker hosts one last show in the memory of his fallen bandmate, Charlie. As the crowd begins to pile in to hear the melody of memory they're none the wiser that this is the one concert that will literally blow their minds."

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Thanks for joining us on 30 Days of Plight, Douglas. How about we start with you telling our readers about your background with horror? I know in your IndieGoGo video you spoke of being a fan of Cronenberg.

My background with horror… I would have to give my older brother credit for that one. He is ten years my elder and he was watching horror movies, mostly slashers, before I was born. I was born in ’85. One sunny afternoon, he had some friends over and, as many younger siblings, I always wanted to be around them. They were watching Friday the 13th, the original, and as I sat there in pure terror and watched this gore fest my older brother looked over at me and asked “You’re not afraid are you?” As the brave young lad I was I responded sharply, while chewing my fingernails, “Not at all” Later that week I was going to the beach with the neighbor’s family and it was on my mind a lot. Swimming, boating, fishing, and just relaxation. So, as I sat on the couch in between what seemed to be the biggest man I have ever sat beside, at that time, I was thinking about fishing and right as that popped into my head little Jason Voorhees plunged out of the water. After that, I was hooked. I started watching everything I could, my parents were liberal when it came to me and cinema. They knew I was not dumb enough to do the stuff I saw and I knew they wouldn’t see me doing the stuff they told me not to do. We had a good understanding of that. As I grew up and fell in love with Cronenberg, I understand a lot of people do not consider it ‘horror’ all the time but, there are only so many times a bump in the night or a scream on screen can shock you until you realize, ‘I saw that coming’ My chum in public school introduced me to Twin Peaks and everything Lynch, in high school my friend got me into the world of Craven. Nightmares never frightened me. I always thought it was better to feel the adrenaline of intensity rather than the mellow minded comfort of a fantasy.

I have watched and have been watching everything I can get my hands on from Lucio Fulci’s Zombie to Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski’s The Void. It is one genre I do not give up on even when I see it be done the same way over and over again.

So right now you're wrapping up on your short film Harmonized Combustion. You have a crowdfunding campaign that's going to pay for your final scene (which we'll get to in a minute), but tell us what Harmonized Combustion is about. What about it is going to knock the world on its ass?

Can one still knock the worlds on its ass? The streets seem to be more horrifying than films as of late. I prefer to take them out of their heads, make them uncomfortable; when they walk away from the film they have to pat themselves down, as if they forgot something and soon realizing the film took a piece of them. A piece they will not get back, whether it is fear, thought, laughter, or a piece of themselves they didn’t need anymore. Fulfillment can be as creditable as shock.

I always viewed film as an escape from reality. A way for us to reach other worlds and life, culture, and dreams that do not exist in our present life. After we return to our world we will have the power to create change within ourselves and in our lives. Gaining knowledge from unexplored territory can put your present view of yourself and the environment around you into perspective.

You've been working with The Far Removed and Jupiter Marvelous. With music being such a focal point with your film, how have they been adding to Harmonized Combustion? Have they written any original material for the film?

The Far Removed has been working in the business for decades, in different bands and on other side projects. The music they supplied were original songs that they produced and wrote, not specifically for the film, but, music people have not heard. They then worked further with me to cut, edit, and mix the music and feel of the film to add a bit of originality that was personal to Harmonized Combustion. Jupiter Marvelous is scoring the film as well as mixing. All his recordings are originals for the film and he has been working close with myself and The Far Removed. Also, Shadow Cell Theory has allowed me to use music and mixes for particular scenes I needed a more ‘industrial metal’ sound for. A lot of great talent has been guiding me along the way and showing me the ropes. They are responsible for creating a weapon from a piece of beauty. There are not too many people/musicians who can do that. Not hurt you emotionally but, actually make a song and a beat that you fear to hear because of the outcome.

Getting back to your final scene, or the "Score of Gore" as you call it, you have something major planned,correct?

It’s major in the way that I wrote it and am going to reveal its intensity to the audience. I did not sit back at my computer and say “Well, how can I get money to do something over the top?” It was written in. It was a thought that is going to be a reality, not only to show something extraordinary on screen, it was already extraordinary.

My philosophy is, if you don’t have something to say then I do not suggest you write it. If you write something to show what could be, or in the sense of ‘look at me mom no hands!’ then it is not worth the time or the ink. It was planned the moment I wrote it. A single thought turned into a magnificent evil. It will be the impact of the scene not the action, the violence, or the SFX you see.

I enjoy Cronenberg, Lynch, Kubrick, and though I do not know them or have heard their secrets. I don’t recall reading on something ‘major planned’ If the scene calls for it, and it happens to be large in capacity, then it shall be major. The more I put into it and into my cast and crew the more they can prefect the scene. That is what is major to me. Making sure everyone has the tools they need to accomplish the madness I scribble on paper, then make the script pretty in Final Draft or does Final Draft make it pretty?

So your IndieGoGo right now is to do this final scene and reimburse your FX designer, Hannah Grace Rooney [Laurie Holden's (Andrea) make-up artist for The Walking Dead], for what she donated to your film? Speaking of Hannah, how did she become a part of this project?

Hannah came to me after seeing advertisement I had acquaintances, friends and family post down south, Toronto, for me. We talked, I explained it to her and she seemed ‘iffy’. Freelance volunteer work after you have worked in the industry for as long as she has is not the most intriguing offer to give someone. Then she read the script, we met, and she was on board. She has worked on a lot of features, she happens to be back in her home city continuing her education, in the same college as I, so she needed to keep her hands busy creating.

The IndieGoGo campaign is not just to replenish Hannah, though she would love that! It is more for production design, we have to re shape an entire basement bar/music stage into our vision. A team of over 30+ people, including actors/actresses who need to eat and be accommodated, as well, film festival entry fees. Plus, we are bringing the whole gang with us when we go. We worked hard and we will play hard afterwards. It is nice to get down to Toronto and enjoy the blood thirsty scenes of their festivals.

Harmonized Combustion is going to hit the festival circuit in November, where can our readers catch it while it's on tour, and do you have anything set up yet for people to request the presence of your film?

The Blood in the Snow Film Festival is where we will be debuting Harmonized Combustion. Until then, the only way to get a copy of the film is through perks on Indiegogo. Also, I love criticism. I would be more than willing to let people watch it and review it, critique me, and make my drive stronger.

Finally, once the film is out, we get a chance to review it, right?

Of course! 30 Days of Plight deserves to let their readers know what they’re getting themselves into and as soon as we wrap up in early June, I will be sending it your way!

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If you're interested in helping with Harmonized Combustion, the IndieGoGo campaign will be running until May 14th.  For only $10 Canadian (that's $7.79 US!) you can get your name in the credits as well as have access to Harmonized Combustion before it hits the festival circuit!  There are other options, also with some really great perks including Associate and Executive Producer credits!  Impress your friends or random people that think they're cooler than you with a possible IMDB credit!  Make business cards with that!  Seem super cool!

We want to thank Douglas again for doing this interview and wish him luck with the last of Harmonized Combustion!

The Eyes of My Mother (2016) 1h 16m

If you take nothing else away from the entirety of this website, for as long as it may exist, I want you to remember one thing:  You can't spell "fart" without "art."  Now keep this in mind because I'm going to drag you along with me through this film student project.

IMDB's description for this film is "A young, lonely woman is consumed by her deepest and darkest desires after tragedy strikes her quiet country life," but that's too vague for The Eyes of My Mother.  Francisca's mother was a surgeon in Portugal.  I'm not sure why they're in bumfuck USA (probably something dumb like love) but the mother has been passing her skills and knowledge onto her child.  Then, one day, a man shows up on the property and kills the mother.  The husband comes home, knocks the man out, and chains him up in the barn.  The girl eventually cuts his tongue and eyes out, but not before he answers her question of why he does such things.  Everything from this point is dumber than all the preceded it.

This is something that I would expect to see at a local film festival.  It's entirely in black and white, switches between English and Portuguese, and has long static shots of people sitting in a room or a car driving across the screen or some bullshit.  The attempts at body horror aren't as shocking as they want them to be.  In a time where we have torture porn like the Saw and Hostel films, you can't bring your tiny indie weenie to the big dick competition and expect to stand up against porn star meat slings!

I'm not totally writing this film off as it might be for someone, somewhere.  It just did nothing for me.

I give The Eyes of My Mother 1 ancient Japanese scrolls with men farting out of 5:

The Veil (2016) 1h 33m

Oooohhhhh shit!  I fucking love cults!  Between this NXIVM stuff that's all coming out, a documentary series on the Rajneesh group from 80's Oregon, and meeting someone currently in a legit cult, I've been getting my fill recently.  Now throw a bunch of supernatural shit in it and I'm all on board.  I don't want to join your cult, I just want to watch the craziness.

Think of the Jim Jones cult, then cut that down in size and put them in the south of rural America.  After this group appears to have all committed suicide, the only remainder is a small girl, Sarah.  Fast forward to her adulthood and an indie documentarian wants to take Sarah back to the land where the cult was and film.  The thing that the crew doesn't know is that more than Sarah have a connection to the events that happened there, and the cult killed themselves because they knew they would come back.

I'm legitimately all in with this film.  The setting is creepy, there are strange unexplained things happening all around them, and throughout the whole film you just keep getting handed more and more pieces to the puzzle.  Then, once it's complete, you're treated to one of those "holy fuck!" moments.  It's worth it, 100% worth it.

I give The Veil 5 cult members out of 5:

Children of the Corn (1984) 1h 32m

You know that scene in Spaceballs where Yogurt is talking about the merchandising of Spaceballs and shilling things like Spaceballs the toilet paper, Spaceballs the three-hole punch, or whatever?  That's kind of how this felt.  Although, instead of selling you something it makes sure that you know that this is a work by Stephen King.  The title card and poster both say "Stephen King's Children of the Corn," as well as having other works by him listed, and it goes as far as to have a copy of Night Shift (The post Penthouse option for this story) sitting in paperback form on the dash of the outlander's car.  I'm surprised the two helpful kids here haven't had their names changed to "Stephen" and "King" for the film!  Okay, I'm jumping too far ahead of myself now.

Children of the Corn takes place in Gatlin, Nebraska where a drought has caused a lack of crops in this farming community.  A boy, Issac, gathers the other youths in the town, claiming he has some divine contact with a entity known as "He who walks behind the rows," and gets the children to murder all of the adults in the town.  Once this is done the corn crop flourishes and the remaining under-18 crowd create a new society and religion.  Cue our adults, Burt and Vicky.  Their coming is foretold by a clairvoyant young girl and Issac, Malachai, and the other cult children prepare for their coming.

Children of the Damned and Children of the Corn are probably the most quintessential creepy children films.  Between Issac's voice and appearance, and Malachai's penchant for violence, there's always something to make you feel just slightly unsettled.  In addition to that, there's no down-time with this film.  It's just scene after scene after scene of something happening or plot development.  I'm not complaining, it's just something that I haven't payed attention to on previous viewings, but it really keeps you engaged with the film.

The only major issue I have with Children of the Corn is that its effects are dated as fuuuuccckkk!  The rotoscoped lightning and claiming of Issac, the sky color change, and let's not forget when Issac is on a cross and it just shoots up and spirals in the air like a child throwing an action figure.  I'm sure they did what they could with what they had, but damn!  Also the unexplained actions of the children ransacking Burt and Vicky's car and then just filling it with corn stalks seems excessive.  We get it!  Your shit is corn!  Calm the fuck down!

Fun fact to end this review on:  While researching this I found out that the kid that played Issac also played Cousin It in the Adams Family films (and MC Hammer video).

I give Children of the Corn 4 rotoscopes out of 5:

Patchwork (2015) 1h 26m

There's been such an interesting 80's revival happening over time.  Maybe it's starting to taper off a bit, but we've had this odd nostalgia with the uptick of 80's inspired synthwave and all of these remakes of old beloved things or just homages to that time period.  Stranger Things hit that hard, the soundtrack to Drive (which, let's be honest, is fucking great), and the It remake.  I know the original It came out in 1990, but I get some leeway here.  So with a poster like I have posted above, I was expecting some sort of nod or throwback, which I got concept-wise, but it was so much more...

Patchwork is a horror comedy where Dr. Frankenstein hung out with Herbert West and they just happened to have three recently deceased women to combine into one.  However, instead of being of a single mind, each of the three women still exist inside of this creature.  It's kind of like an old episode of Herman's Head only each of them can be in control at the same time.  Their plan is to find out who did this to them, but along the way they turn their investigation into an outright murder spree.

I'm getting this out of the way first, but before the 3-in-1 woman unifies her look, she looks like a genderswap of the anime character Blackjack.  Seriously, look at this shit!

After I got over that revelation I got really into this movie.  There's a reference to Reanimator with a glowing green-filled syringe being the device that reanimates the body, a character playing the original Castlevania and doing the Frankenstein's Monster/Hunchback boss fight, and probably the greatest 15-seconds of film ever with the release of the Owlcat.  The acting is fantastic as our ladies' body movements are jerky and broken in all the right ways.  We're also treated to a wonderfully done rampage section in a frat house where she just puts in ear buds and dances/dispatches douche bags left and right.

You should definitely add this to your must-watch list for horror films if you haven't seen it yet.  It's just a fun time with a great take on body horror.  I will most likely add this film to my personal collection when I have the money.

I give Patchwork 5 surgical staplers out of 5:

P (2005) 1h 50m

I have no clue what "P" stands for or is short for.  I'm letting you know this up front because if you are looking for answers, I don't have them.  If you have answers though, then hit me up at 30daysofplight@gmail.com and let me know what the hell the "P" means.  I think that pretty much sets the tone for this review as well.

Coming to us from Thailand, P focuses on a young girl (Aaw, later Dau) that is being raised by her grandmother.  While she attends school like the other children, Aaw is an outcast because her grandmother is the local witch and has been training her granddaughter in the craft.  When the matriarch becomes very ill Aaw attempts to get rice and medicine for her but is told they owe too much money to the local merchant woman.  In order to pay for their needs Aaw is tricked into being a prostitute at a club in Bangkok.  To survive, and get what she wants, Aaw uses what her grandmother taught her, but eventually forsakes the two rules she was told to never break: 1) never take payment for magick done, 2) never eat raw meat.  Breaking these rules lets the evil in...

There's a bit of a disconnect between the home and Bangkok sections of this film.  I can't tell if it's an intentional break but it felt like the film was heading in one direction but suddenly spun the wheel and ended up eating a raw pork salad in the city and letting everything go to shit.  There are a few other disconnects I faced while watching this but I think that they're more of a cultural difference and a misunderstanding on my part so I won't go into those.

Suangporn Jaturaphut does a great job in the role of Aaw/Dau as well as when acting as the evil version of Dau.  It's the subtle evil you find common in J/C/K/T-Horror but it is effective here.

If black magick and foreign horror aren't your thing, then at least look up the scene where Dau uses her darker magick for the first time and a scum bag gets his dick bit off by a snake.  More scum bags need their dicks bit off by snakes, at least in my opinion.

I give P 2 snakes out of 5: