Death Note (2017) 1h 41m

I knew this day would come.  I fucking knew it!  I just hoped that it would be much later than this, and on Halloween of all days!  So I've read all of the original Death Note manga, saw all of the anime, and own two of the three Japanese films (Death Note and Death Note II, but not L Saved the World).  When Netflix said they were going to make their own movie based on Death Note it was met with some excitement and some skepticism.  Then it came out and all I heard about it was that it was trash upon trash.  So how does this really measure up?

If you're unfamiliar with the premise, Death Note is about an ultra intelligent teenage boy named Light.  He finds a notebook labeled as a "Death Note" and a list of rules inside of how to use it.  The book itself belongs to a Shinigami (death god) named Ryuk who acts as an influencer and voyeur to Light's use of the Death Note.  After donning the name "Kira" (an indirect form of the word "killer" in Japanese), Light uses the Death Note in a self-conceived notion of global morality by eliminating criminals.  A special operative, another teenage boy of extreme intelligence, known only as L is put on the case to flush out Kira.

That pretty much sums up what is maybe the first quarter of the original story and more info than you're given for the entirety of this film.  If you know nothing at all about Death Note then you might like this film.  If you know even the slightest bit about Death Note then you know this is a bastardization of the source material set in America.  I could go on and on about why this wasn't good, but those reviews already exist so I'll jump to the two things I did like about this.  First, Ryuk (and more importantly Willem Dafoe's voice acting) was a shining star in the black void of this film.  The lines were dead on, the look was great, and Willen Dafoe fucking kills it with his laughs and line deliveries.  Second, this version of L was much more proactive than the original.  He took risks that were out of character for L, but it made him a bit more interesting.  It doesn't help that I'm not really a fan of L in the manga/anime and much prefer Near, but with this film you have no clue what I'm talking about.

So is this movie the turd sandwich people say it is?  Ehhhh... Like I said, if you have even flipped through the manga then you know this movie is trash.  Although, for people that have no clue about Death Note, maybe this will be their gateway into the real thing, or maybe it will be their intro to manga and anime.  So I can't really shit on that.  Kids still get into metal based on new Metallica albums.  If it leads to them finding good metal or visiting the old Metallica albums, then good for them.  Metal up your ass...

I give Death Note 1 apple out of 5 (in honor of Willem Dafoe's Ryuk):

The Black Room (2017) 1h 31m

There had to have been some house, empty since the mid-80's, that was getting renovated and they found this script hidden in the floorboards.  The only catch is that it was written by some 14 year old boy that was sexually repressed and this was the closest he would ever get to woods porn.  Then this cursed script found its way to a director who adjusted himself and decided to make it come to life!

The Black Room has a traditional horror premise: house has a demon in it, new couple moves in, demon attempts to use them for his evil purpose.  The difference here is that the demon is hyper-sexual in order to create a human/demon hybrid child.  So think Amityville Horror meets Species.  You know, two films you never thought you'd hear compared in the same sentence.

I feel like this would be one of those VHS tapes I would see for rent as a kid and the cover would scare the shit out of me. It looks so 1984 horror.  The entire film had that vibe, just under a modern lens.  The old school rotoscoped lightning effects existed with modern practical effects and make-up for a good blend.  I will say that The Black Room had a few sloppy moments with such things as showing a full hand after the fingers just got cut off or, and this is more of a personal gripe, a brand new GBH patch on the goth/occult girl's bag.  Seriously, she's not listening to GBH.  Fuck, I'm not sure anyone still listens to GBH and that includes people that were in that fucking band.

There are also unexplained elements that aren't important to the story but still confusing.  Did this couple buy the house fully furnished and just moved in?  Are they not creeped out by that?  Who has a giant Tibetan Buddha statue when you walk into your house?  Why would you not cement over that door in the first place?  Scorpion tail dicks?!

I give The Black Room 2.5 Mortal Kombat Scorpions out of 5:

Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015) 1h 39m

You know what's delicious? Bacon.  You know who was in the original Tremors?  Kevin Bacon.  You know what Kevin Bacon is doing right now?  NOT FUCKING MAKING TREMORS SEQUELS!

Tremors 5 is a hot fucking mess.  The original Tremors came out in 1990 so the fact that this release is 25 years later should let you know that they're really cashing in on that current hot Tremors' cash.  In the first movie it was just "Graboids" that existed in the ground.  Think Shai Huluds in middle America.  I didn't keep up with the films or lore but apparently there are multiple types now including one that shoots fire out of its ass.

Speaking of fires, this fucking dumpster fire takes place in South Africa.  The monster hunter/survivalist that has apparently taken over as the main character for these films comes there after a poacher tricks him into thinking he's from some wildlife organization.  Jaime Kennedy (who I don't really have anything against, but whatever) is a professional douche bag/side kick during this too.

I didn't care about Tremors in 1990.  I won't care about Tremors X in 2090.  This franchise needs to die and stay dead.  I don't even know who the audience was for this movie.  Is it for people that only buy movies from the $5 bin at Wal-Mart?  Because if that's the case then fucking score for you.  The really sad thing is that this movie has decent acting and better than average CGI.  I hope all of these people got paid well, because I shop in that $5 bin a lot and I wouldn't buy this shit.

I give Tremors 5: Bloodlines 0 Shai Hulud out of 5:

Friday Choice Cuts: Haunted House season!

The House of Shock (New Orleans) from NOLA.com

When I was a young kid I always wanted to go to the haunted houses or whatever there was going on during the season.  The few times I did get taken to them I made it to the first scare and from then on had to be carried through while I hid my face in a family member's shoulder.  I liked the idea of being scared but wasn't able to grasp the concept of these ghouls will not harm me.

As I got older though I still kept an interest every October when you'd see signs for corn mazes or haunted hayrides or whatever.  As a young adult it was worth it to get a group of friends together and see who would get scared and who wouldn't.  Hell, even as an older adult I still love going with a group of people and watching them get scared.

While I've matured quite a bit from the crying child clinging to someone's neck, I learned to love a good scare.  I don't react to most things in haunted houses now.  In fact, a lot of times I'm the person that will walk up to an actor and just say "do you need a hug," but I've learned that these scares are controlled.  It's still worth it though, come every October, to go through the cobwebs and fake blood even if it's just for the laughs.

From fire departments, to community organizations, to full blown haunted house companies, there has to be something going on somewhere for you to go to.  So go have fun!

Under the Shadow (2016) 1h 24m

War is hell.  Ghosts might be from hell.  Therefore, Ghosts might come from War?  Oh shit!  Things got too real in this intro...

Under the Shadow is an Iranian film set during the Iran-Iraq war of the 80's.  A family is split up when the husband is sent to be a medic on the front lines and the wife stays behind with their child.  After a series of unexplained incidents and strange behavior from the daughter, the mother begins to believe that the building may have a spirit haunting them.

I have the reoccurring complaint that a lot of horror films have poor pacing.  While this film is guilty of crawling to the supernatural elements I feel like it's a conscious decision by the writer/director.  The supernatural horror is such a small piece of the greater horror that surrounds the mother and daughter.  Cultural misogyny, the fear that comes with living in a war zone (a missile actually crashes into the building at one point but doesn't detonate), parenthood, losing direction as a person, all of these are the anxieties that people can face and I think the ghost or whatever here is just a physical manifestation of these.  We get a brief description where it says these spirits come on "the winds" where there exists a lot of fear, anxiety, and trauma so why would that not exist in corporeal form?

I think that if you want just a surface spooky movie then this probably isn't going to be the film for you.  It took me a bit to recognize the deeper thread running through it and I was ready to just let this one fall off.  I'm glad I didn't but Under the Shadow is kind of a one-and-done.

I give Under the Shadow 2 clip art bombs out of 5:

The Rezort (2015) 1h 33m

When working with a fuse one should give themselves enough time to get to a safe spot after lighting it.  Sometimes someone fucks up and it blows up in their face.  Sometimes it takes too long and becomes more trouble than it's worth.   Then there are times where it takes just a moment too long and lures you into that sense of security...

If The Rezort were a mixed drink, you would take one part Jurassic Park, one part The Most Dangerous Game, and blend it all with a large amount of the Dead Island video game series.  After an almost apocalyptic viral outbreak caused the living to fight the dead, an island exists with the last remaining infected on it.  Vacationers can come to The Rezort to have a controlled zombie hunting experience and work out whatever fantasy or internal anguish they might carry.  You probably have a good idea what happens in this film.

I mentioned that false sense of security previously because this film has that slow burn that takes you to the point where one can assume exactly how the rest of this movie is going to play out.  Instead though, when it blows up, there's a pause and you find out that there were some fireworks mixed in with that explosion.  It leads to some serious "oooo's" and "ahhh's".

The character development is done really well.  They don't waste time trying to hide anything about the "surface" people and the characters we want to know more about get teased right until we are given that informational relief.  I personally loved that one of the women came to the island to deal with her PTSD from the previous "war."  The end of this film delivers some fantastic reveals and creates a couple more questions that I would love to have answered.  Just not in a sequel form.  Maybe in short film format.  I could live with that.

I give The Rezort 2 copies of Dead Island out of 5:

Raw (a.k.a. Grave) (2016) 1h 39m

If this movie has taught me anything then it would be the following information about France (or possibly a French speaking area like Quebec): 1) You apparently either become an aggressively homosexual truck driver or go to vet school, 2) Vet school in France is the fucking worst, 3) French woman (especially those from vegetarian families) have the possibility of becoming cannibals.  I think I just accidentally summed this movie up too early.

Raw is the story of a girl going away to vet school (which her older sister is also attending) and going through some serious life changes.  For instance, she starts off being vegetarian and then, after a hazing ritual has her eat a raw rabbit liver, she begins to crave meat.  Normal meat isn't enough though and, after eating her sister's severed finger, she finds she craves human flesh.  None of this is as cool as you may think it sounds.

This movie is less of a horror film and more of a slow drama with cannibal elements.  It takes a while to get anywhere and when it does the party sucks and you would much rather be back home playing video games.  I like the concept of this film.  They take it from a very "outside the box" perspective when it comes to having those jagged horror edges.  Yet I found myself checking the time left on the film because I really just didn't care about our leading lady's transition from virgin vegetarian girl to deflowered cannibal woman.  Dammit!  I made this movie sound cool again.  It's not.  At least not to my American horror senses.

I give Raw 1 severed finger first aid image out of 5: