Bhoothnath (2008) 2h 30m

Oh man.  Netflix is just punishing me for some reason.  I don't know why my rating of a "thumbs up" to one Indian film has now cursed me for an eternity of shit ones.  Look at that poster.  Fucking look at it!  This was in the horror section and also under its heading was "movies ages 8-10."

Fuck you so hard Netflix!

Bhoothnath revolves around a haunted house where a child and his mother stay while the father is out being a captain or something on a cruise ship.  Stupid shit happens and the kid sucks.  The ghost is an old turd and there's some homeless vagrant that is some sort of "oh... that scamp," character.  There was a musical/dance number with elementary school kids in the style of Beat It but only they were dressed in rap video thug clothes with bling and shit.  One has a fake afro wig!

I made it about half way through this movie to where a musical number was going to kick in about the kid and the ghost being some sort of bros and I fucking turned it off.  In the entirety of this blog, something like 120-ish movies, this is the first one I ended up going "Nawww dog... fuck this shit," and turning it off.

Fucking ages 8-10 movie in the horror section, suck on my left nut while the right one sweats in your fucking eye Netflix.  Also, fuck your shit subtitles.  When someone says, in English, "this place is so cool," and you put on the screen "this place is so nice," mmmmmmmmmmmm.... you mother fucker.  So much rage and anger...

This was trash, so instead of a rating it gets this .gif of Murderface because if this movie had a face I would murder it!

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[REC] 4: Apocalypse (2014) 1h 35m

I can't remember which of the [REC] series I've seen before. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the original because it's either never on Netflix or costs way too much on DVD because it's a foreign film.  That's kind of a bummer though because it's supposed to be really good.  [REC] 4: Apocalypse though, questionable at best.

It starts with a group of military guys sweeping building and planting explosives.  They apparently are poorly trained as their sweeps don't show that there are fuck tons of zombies they missed which end up wrecking their lives.  One ends up finding our main reporter girl and they escape only to wake up on a ship with a bunch of caged monkeys, a small crew, military, and scientists?  I don't know what the hell happened.  Neither do they, so I guess we're all in the same... you know what... never mind.

The rest of the film is outbreak city followed by one of those "this person must have the cure! Get them!" shit for a good half of the movie.  This was actually pretty boring.  Also, that outboard motor she's posing with in that poster... it's a weapon.  Pretty much the dumbest weapon I've seen in a zombie movie because those things are heavy as fuck and don't have huge blades.  A boat full of guys with a ton of guns, and you mother fuckers find a dumb ass motor.

I think this is one of those points where a franchise has just gone on too long.  The fucking zombies Naruto run at them sometimes which instantly made me hate them.  Then the subtitles were not always correct.  I may not know much Spanish, but I know when someone says "you don't have the balls," as opposed to "I would like to see you try it."

This movie also started with some things I might have been reading into waaaaaayyyy too much.  For example, the ship's name is the Zarathustra which I assume was in reference to the Neitzsche book.  The radio/IT person was wearing a Nosferatu shirt and they're all on a boat with this "monster" plague.  I'm probably just trying too hard to save this film by wanting it to be smarter than zombies on a ship in Spanish.

I give [REC] 4: Apocalypse 2 "judges you in Spanish" memes out of 5:

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Friday's Choice Cuts: Resident Evil 7: Biohazard (Capcom)

I mentioned during the last mini-Cut that our household purchased the latest in the Resident Evil series.  Now, we played through it once and I've since watched the Super Best Friends LP of it as well as the Game Grumps LP so I've seen a ton of stuff we missed on our sessions.

Resident Evil (or Biohazard as it's known in Japan) set the stage for modern survival horror video games.  When Resident Evil 4 was released it evolved the series out of survival horror and into a more action-horror feel.  RE4 and RE5 were both great games but moved further away from what the original fans wanted.  Resident Evil 6 was rough.  Really rough.  It became the turning point which lead to Resident Evil 7: Biohazard.

(A quick aside:  I know I'm totally skipping things like Outbreak, Dead Aim, the Chronicles games, Revelations, and Operation Raccoon city.  For the sake of this review I wanted to stick to the core series.)

Resident Evil 7 was herald as a return to survival horror, a game for the original fans.  When we first started playing this game we got super hyped on it.  There were jump scares, sneaking around while trying to solve puzzles and find items, and more importantly, a scary human element chasing you.

The story follows Ethan (you) going to a random home in the swamps of Louisiana after getting a video message from his missing wife, Mia.  You end up being captured by the Baker family that lives in the house and when you find your wife she seems to have these violent episodes where her personality switches.  You eventually are contacted by Zoe, the daughter of the family, who attempts to help you find the cure you need to help Mia and also cure Zoe.

A majority of this game was really good.  My issues with it come in the form of the boss fights.  Typical to an RE game you have boss fights where you need to find the target item or spot in order to win.  They broke up the flow of the game and killed the immersion.  To go from sneaking around a decaying house to suddenly having to fight a spider-person with huge orange eye targets all over its body is a jarring experience.

We also encountered a poor cut in this game where if you choose Zoe instead of Mia at this one point there's an event and cut but it still has you just become Mia instead of Zoe in the next scene which made no sense.

It's not perfect, but it's definitely a great big leap in the right direction.  The game looked amazing, played really well, and from what I saw of people doing the VR, it makes for a much more frightening experience.  There's DLC which revolves around each of the members of the Baker family but it isn't necessary and one is just a shitty mercenaries-mode esq thing where you play as Zoe to get food and booze for Jack to eat on his birthday.  There is some shit animation there as Jack appears to just eat the bottle of wine.  That said, I'm looking forward to when RE8 comes out... unless they fuck that up.

Best moments:
+ Jack doing sick burnouts in his garage
+ Old woman's face melting scene which reminds me of Raiders of the Lost Ark
+ Creep ass clockwork clown

They Look Like People (2015) 1h 20m

Rather than jump right in and write a review for this film, I took some space before returning to my keyboard.  It isn't so much that this was some deep and introspective film that changed my perception of the world around me (spoilers: it didn't), but more a combination of "what's this faux artsy crap," mixed with "does this cross a line?"

They Look Like People has a simple premise.  Wyatt's back in town and stays with his old friend Christian.  We find out that Wyatt has been getting messages one his phone about about some other kind of entity that have the ability to look like people.  There is meant to be some war between the humans and this other thing and he is one of the chosen to know about it and see the others.

In truth, Wyatt just is dealing with some form of mental illness which causes him to have these delusions and hallucinations.  We just keep getting dragged around with the concept of "is it real?  Is it just fantasy?... 'caught in the landslide, no escape from reality..."  Dragged because it's very obviously mental illness and there may be about two minutes where you question that before returning to obvious.

This film reminded me of a mix of Mark Duplass' Creep (which I covered previously here) and shitty mumble-core films like Funny Ha-Ha or Mutual Appreciation.  I fucking hate those mumble core films, so with the random scenes in here with barely audible conversations and sock fights... just fuck this film.

Fuck this film too for making the real "horror" here being mental illness.  I very rarely get soap-boxy on this blog.  I mean, I talk about my dick and punching stuff in the dick a lot on here, but...It's a cop out for a writer to just make someone that has a violent tendency or distorted reality have a mental illness.  People live with these diagnoses every day, don't fucking demonize them with your shit ass horror film.  You're not doing anything good.  It's bad and you should feel bad.  Shit dick.

I give They Look Like People 0 bottles of Zyprexa out of 5:

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Fairlane Road (2016) 1h 32m

 

Johnny Depp's "Tonto" make up should never be copied... ever!  Not because it's iconic or anything like that, but because it looks like shit and is probably offensive to Native peoples.  With that image in your head, a woman definitely ends up with similar shit on her face toward the end of this film.  So buckle the fuck up because we're taking a ride down Fairlane Road!

We start with a man going outside and falling to his knees while dragging his oxygen tank.  He goes to screen but it ends up being a phone ringing noise that comes out instead.  Jumping to our main character (of whom I didn't even bother to remember his name, and don't care enough to hit my IMDB bookmark to look up) we find out that he has a shitty mom that convinces him to go take care of his uncle (the man we saw at the beginning) for the weekend while his nurse is away.  Fuck this phone mom with a rusty manhole cover, she sucks so hard.  So our guy drives out to take care of his uncle who doesn't really want him there.

Eventually we found out that his uncle is less his uncle and more of his actual dad.  Not only that, but he came home drunk, knocked down his then pregnant (and alive) wife, and on the way to the hospital ran over a Native girl and left her by the side of the road.  Oh, also, because he was drunk and not paying attention that accident caused his wife to hit the windshield which lead to her death.  The mother of the Native girl was coming back for revenge and after finding out that uncle-dad did have offspring, she causes Jack (the uncle-dad) to accidentally kill his son.  We're then treated to the same intro sequence again only we get the scream instead of the phone ring.

Moral of the story:  Don't be a scumbag drunk?  Do a better job of keeping your kids away from the curses of Native people?  Don't watch this film?  Yeah, the last one.  Fuckin' ignore this shit's existence.

I give Fairline Road 0 cacti that phone mom can jam in her can out of 5:

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Navy Seals vs. Zombies AKA Navy Seals: The Battle for New Orleans (2015) 1h 37m

Did you know that the battle for New Orleans wouldn't take place in New Orleans?  It, in fact, takes place almost two hours away in Baton Rouge.  Nobody gives a shit about Baton Rouge though, but everybody fuckin' loves the idea of Mardi Gras so we'll say it's New Orleans.  I can see why this ends up becoming Navy Seals vs. Zombies later.  Not because it isn't in New Orleans, but more so because it's a shitty B-film which needs a shitty b-film title.

So NSvZ starts off with a Baton Rouge based press conference with the Vice President.  After a "...suspicious suspect at 9 o'clock" attacks a secret service agent and further zombies attack, the Seal team is called in.  We meet AJ and his wife here and his wife sucks. "Where are you going?  What are you doing?  When are you going to be back?"  Shut up!  He's a fucking Seal and he hasn't even had a briefing yet.  You literally just woke the fuck up to this!

The Seals go on, extract the VP, his chopper crashes in fantastically iffy CGI.  Mission fucking accomplished!  They're given a secondary target to extract CIA scientists that might have a cure.  You can imagine what happens there.  So after getting the scientists, loosing a few men, and AJ getting bit, the team convinces AJ to come with them because the scientists might be able to cure him.  Surprisingly AJ doesn't turn and is apparently immune due to the 7-Shots, which Google is not telling me what the fuck that is aside from a vaccine for dogs.  These mother fuckers are Seals, not dogs!  Unless they're seal-dog hybrids created by the military to shoot bees out of their mouths when they bark!!  First the "gay bomb," now this!  Seriously, the "gay bomb" was a real thing in development until I think the 70's or 80's... look it up.

This movie was kind of dumb.  Well, more than kind of, it's just dumb.  There wasn't anything original here.  It looks like it was shot on television film as opposed to movie film.  Some of the dialogue fails pretty hard.  Also, for being in the deep south, no one they encounter is rockin' a southern accent.  Not that the zombies should be stumbling around going "Y'aaaaaallllllll!  Brains y'allllllllll!" but if you're already fuckin' up the New Orleans part of your movie, at least keep the southern parts correct.

I give Navy Seals vs. Zombies 1 Confederate zombie costume out of 5:

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Kill or Be Killed (2015) 1h 43m

You can't outrun the washing machine is more like it.  For the 1900's, these people all have impeccably clean clothes.  Even the prisoner chain gain building the railroad at the beginning were taken away by Calgon.  I guess that just matches their well trimmed or shaved facial hair and perfect coifs, but they did put some dirt on their faces (just not their hands).  Oh, also, this isn't a fucking horror movie Netflix!  Get your shit together!

Kill or Be Killed follows a group of bandits in search of a hidden stash of money from a previous heist.  They start the journey by robbing a church and shooting their way out.  In the process they kill two priests.  This is important for the end, otherwise... you know... whatever.  Their journey west (or further west...) ends each night with one of the members dying in growing violent fashions.  Each body has a strange circular symbol on their arm.

As the nights progress. their leader continues to hear a bell ding in the darkness and every day he loses his mind greater and greater.  In the end he is the only one left.  He fakes his own death which leads to a boy walking out of the tall grass.  He then marks the man's arm as he jumps up from the ground and tussles with the kid.  Eventually he breaks the boy's neck and staggers until he finds the treasure.  He passes out from exhaustion to find the boy watching him.  He is left for dead by the kid who ends up being the brother of the other boy that was just killed and the son of one of the priests killed in the beginning.  See, that shit comes back!  But in that uncomfortable way... like herpes... except you can't just turn off or rate herpes with a thumbs down in hopes of getting less herpes.

So, not a horror film.  Maybe a thriller-ish type thing?  Barely a western.  Horses, revolvers, and racist terms for Native Americans don't make westerns... wait... maybe they did.  That's all John Wayne films were, right?  I always cared more about the Eastwood Dollars trilogy.

I give Kill or Be Killed 0 adorable pictures I found when Google image searching "cowboy ghost" out of 5:

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