Friday, August 25, 2017
Friday Final Cut: 5th Cut
Dipper represents me. That tree represents a good chunk of the films I watched this Cut. I gave one-fifth of the films this time around a zero and a majority of those are because they were really slow and/or had a recycled plot. In truth I would probably give more zeroes except I began to look for decent elements. Visuals, concepts (even if not realized well), acting, whatever has now factored in a bit more than before. I don't know if I'm scraping the barrel or the barrel is just empty when it comes to good horror. Only four of this Cut's films were made before 2010 so what does that say of the state of a majority of current horror?
On the flip side, I did get to watch some great films such as Tales of Halloween (5/5) and White Coffin (4/5). Also there was the revisit to the classic Young Frankenstein. So it wasn't all red hot pokers in my eyes. Speaking of which, one of the things I'm going to work on during this break is trying to set up at sidebar for some of the best films I've watched. It has been mentioned to me that people want to know some good films to watch but no one wants to scroll through 166 films to what's good.
Bouncing off of that, yes, to date I have watched and reviewed 166 films for this blog (counting the short Cut 3.5). It's a crazy feeling to look at that number. It's an even crazier feeling to look at my handy list of films I've watched and know that at this moment there are movies I already forgot about that are from just 6 weeks ago. Although, that list has saved my life and yours this cut because a I re-rolled a lot of movies I've watched previously. You could've had two additional Hellraiser reviews this cut otherwise.
Wrapping this up, I'm looking forward to this break. Living in New Orleans, this is our crazy hot season and unfortunately the AC in the room where I watch these is the loudest AC to ever exist. It makes it tough to watch a film at midnight when I have to blast it over the noise. The other option is to melt like a meat popcicle in the heat for an hour and half.
I'm also excited because when I begin the next Cut, it will be October! So starting Sunday, October 8th will be the 6th Cut. I'm already working on ideas for something special for Halloween as well. I doubt I'm going to do another video but it'll be something fun. Until then...
I'll be right back...
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Intruder (2016) 1h 35m
T.S. Elliot wrote "This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but a whimper." I find this quote fitting since today's film is number 30 and rounds out our 5th Cut. Rather than going out with a bang we were stuck with another crawl and failed (at least to me) attempt at suspense. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Intruder is set in Portland, Oregon and takes place mostly in a woman's apartment. She's a cellist for the Portland Philharmonic Orchestra. This is a plot point that really only exists so she can interact with Moby who has a role in this film as a huge fucking asshole. He's still Moby despite playing someone else and him using the word "fuck" or any variation of just feels awkward. Our leading woman spends most of her time oblivious to the fact that there is someone in her apartment almost constantly. The fact that she's watching a friend's cat and the cat does nothing to give this dude away is also really frustrating because it seems like the kind of cat that would want all the cuddles from everyone. Also, as far as I know, the cat lives past the ending. The true hero of the film!
This is meant to be an attempt at psychological horror. I found myself assuming that the man was not real and that this was probably something to do with her. Every male character we meet is suspect except for her boyfriend because he gets killed and left under the bed. Which, as a follow up thought, for a stab wound there was no blood, and he was under there for longer than a day which means that the body should have evacuated the bowels and the internal gases should have caused bloating. On top of that, there was no marbling of the skin or pooling of the blood in the veins due to gravity and no heart function to pump the blood. That corpse was still as pretty as when he got stabbed. Fuck that!
I get what they wanted to do, but it didn't have the suspense. She never truly suspected so why even bother with a build up if you're not going to heighten tension through the characters on screen? Seriously, even her smelling a fart from the guy and looking around would've been more interesting than just her going about with blinders on.
I give Intruder 1 picture of the band Masked Intruder out of 5:
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Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Let's Be Evil (2016) 1h 22m
Finally, a film that doesn't involve a teenage girl being possessed! Also, a film that uses modern technology to create a somewhat believable plot. If only the execution would have been a bit better...
Let's Be Evil follows Jenny (which I only remember because her name was on the screen so much). She's been selected as one of three people to enter this augmented reality (AR) environment to help watch a collection of genius children. The entire environment is seen and interacted with mostly through the AR aside from the general self care tasks. The children are studying intense complex things and don't interact except through info relayed to the proxy of the AR, A.R.I.E.L. Jenny does find one girl though that will speak and interact with her for brief periods of time.
One evening, the group of three are woken up to be told the children are missing. Over that night the children begin to take over the facility. What then happens is breakdown of not only the AR but of what Jenny's perceived reality is as well. The lines of each cross and blur to where the viewer isn't sure who is real and who isn't.
I liked the concept of this. I think it takes a newer technology and really goes somewhere with it. The problem I have is that it doesn't take it far enough, or maybe it just takes too long to get us where it's taking us. This did make me think of a more modern take on Children of the Corn (Children of the Pr0n?), where instead of a harvest deity their "god" is computers. It might be worth a watch if you're bored and want something different, but it can also just serve as background noise while you're doing other things.
I give Let's Be Evil 1 Max Headroom out of 5:
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Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (a.k.a. Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero) (2014) 1h 31m
If you would've asked me (before I looked up the answer) if I thought this was another movie that just happened to have the Cabin Fever name slapped on it (as most of the later Hellraiser movies have been) then I would've said yes. The truth of the matter is that this is a cannon part of the franchise and also meant to be a prequel.
Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is set on a remote island off of some Spanish speaking nation. I assume it's Mexico because we're treated to a group of bachelor party jag bags that hire a boat to take them to this remote island. Unknown to them the island is a research facility that's holding Sean Astin until he agrees to make Goonies 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Sean Astin is actually the typhoid Mary of this situation in that he carries the virus that causes you to turn into a fleshless mess. The party people get into the facility after two of the people are infected and shit is an absolute mess from there.
This movie was bad. Just that. A simple four sentence description, or I can do it in one. CRAP! There were two good parts to this whole film, and one of them happens during the credit sequence. At that point we're shown in reverse how Mr. Astin infected the facility using a mouse covered in his blood. That was legitimately well done. the other is when an infected man with a gun tries to shoot one of our party people and the recoil from the gun snaps his hand off at the wrist and the combo shoots straight into his skull. Otherwise, nothing new. Also, the original Cabin Fever was just a dead vagrant in the water supply. I don't remember it being any sort of weird zombie virus, unless I missed that part somehow.
I give Cabin Fever: Patient Zero 0 copies of The Hobbit out of 5:
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A Haunting at Silver Falls (2013) 1h 36m
I feel like I'm watching the same movie over and over during this Cut. What is the appeal of teenage girls either being possessed or being the person that sees a ghost? Then why do you spend a bunch of time trying to make it seem that those around them think they're having a mental issue? I feel like the horror genre needs to put an unspoken ban on this plot base to make people do actual work and come up with something new and creative. While I'm complaining here, can we also get rid of the big twist ending at in the last ten minutes of the film? It's not good. We all liked the reveal in the Sixth Sense, but since then it's been downhill, even for Mr. M. Night Shamballahdragon.
A Haunting at Silver Falls focuses around a girl that moves from L.A. to South Dakota after her father's death. She moves in with her aunt and her aunt's boyfriend/husband/sub (I'm not sure). After finding a ring in the woods she begins to see ghost girls. Our first real experience with the ghosts is some sort of weird Enter Sandman scene where the ghost tries to take the ring off the girls finger and then eats all her Ferrero Rochers. Seriously. Ghosts don't need to be on a fuckin' diet.
We come to learn that these girls were murdered by their dad, but that's not the truth and there are three rings that when put together the truth is discovered. I would much rather Captain Planet comes out. That's the only reference I can think of with rings, aside from maybe Mandarin which is less interesting that Captain Planet.
This movie was just recycled crap. Boring recycled crap. The ghost girls looked good if you want a zombie version of possessed Regan from the Exorcist. The acting was okay. The character development was all a bag of floppy dicks though. I hated everyone in this movie. The dorky guy that is kind of her boyfriend is an asshole, the "cool" guy is an asshole, all the adults are assholes, our main girl is just annoying. If I could do ADR for the DVD release of this film I would make it so every time someone opened their mouths a fart noise would come out. Then I'd market it as the comedy of the year and sell it for the same age group as that shitty Indian horror from was from last Cut.
I give A Haunting at Silver Falls 1 picture of the Silver Falls out of 5 for being visually well done:
enter sandman but the ghost eats all the ferro roches
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Amnesiac (2014) 1h 30m
What the fuck even is Wes Bentley's stubble? It's like some bizarre magical facial hair that is always the same length no matter the passage of time in every single thing he is in. Then he looks the same in person. How?! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR SECRET?! IS THIS THE TRUE HORROR?!
This plot is boring. There's a car crash and a woman keeps saying that Wes Bentley is her husband and he has amnesia from it. The woman is all kinds of Misery crazy times ten with a weird torture basement. Wes Bentley discovers this and then it's just a mess from then on. All she wants is to have his baby. A lot of us want to have Wes Bentley's baby, girl. There is a surprise ending reveal, but I was too deep in the "I don't care" end of the pool by that point.
The bulk of this movie is just whispering and Wes Bently being slightly banged-up eye candy. Also, there is the laziest fucking cop ever. All he does is sit in his office, answer the phone, and give fucking sass. I'm unsure if this is just some sort of weird present time and these people just have an absurd hipster love of the 30's thru the 50's or if this is actually meant to be set somewhere in that time frame. I spent more time looking up the Summer Slam tag on Twitter than really paying attention to this whisper fest. The crazy woman does cauterize her own knife would with one of those old ass soldiering guns. There's burnt skin stuck to it and it's almost vomit inducing.
I give Amnesiac 1 set of lobotomy tools out of 5 just for how crazy this woman is:
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Friday, August 18, 2017
Halloweed (2016) 1h 41m
I can't believe I watched this film. It's a mess. A weirdly coherent mess.
Halloweed has way too much going on for a upper-low-budget movie with weed and dick humor. A man and his stepbrother (Simon Rex) move to the town of Mooseheart after their their dad/step-dad (Tom Sizemore) is executed for his serial killing spree. Looking for a new start, the stepbrother starts selling weed for Danny Trejo, then forms his own crew with Jason Mews and Andy Milonakis. There's a mayoral race with Jim O'Heir as the standing mayor. Then there is a the candy corn killer who is a man in a baby mask and huge baby PJs.
All I can keep thinking is "how?" How did this come about? Are most of these people friends or were they really bored and looking for something to do? Then they call it Halloweed and the weed jokes are minimum. This film just doesn't know what it wants to be. It starts out like a Troma film, then just gets into a shittier Pineapple Express type thing, and then suddenly remembered this was going to be a horror film. Fuck this mess. Make that into a cross stitch and hang it on your wall.
I give Halloweed 0 bootleg Pokemon weed humor images out of 5:
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Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Haunt (2014) 1h 25m
Uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! There's nothing worse than seeing a film where it does a good job with its reveal, and then watching another film that has a similar reveal and it's just this fucking puddle of cold jizz you accidentally stepped in. Dudes, you know you've done that on accident. Ladies, if this has happened to you then on behalf of men, I apologize. I am the spokesperson for all of manhood, after all...
Haunt follows a typical horror film premise. A family moves into a house that is said to be haunted because most of the previous family died in mysterious ways. The neighbor girl and the teen-ish boy of the family meet and start messing with an actually cool looking spirit radio receiver. This brings about a gnarly looking female ghost that we mostly see in quick cuts. Then the movie suddenly has the entire reveal of stuff at once and ends.
I left some stuff out but it's not important here. I had resigned to possibly fall asleep during this film but suddenly it was all "Oh shit! I'm about to blow my story load" and literally ended in less than ten minutes. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't because there wasn't a "happy ending," I've mentioned before that I root for the bad guy, but it was the longest hour and ten minutes just to get to this fucking nasty wad of story blown directly in your eyes. Whatever. I was let down by this. If not for the cool spirit radio and ghost lady I would have probably typed out three paragraphs of fart jokes and a picture of my scrote done in ASCII art.
I give Haunt 1 issue of Image Comic's Haunt out of 5:
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Tuesday, August 15, 2017
The Awakening (2011) 1h 42m
Sumptuous is a good word, but it doesn't sound appealing. It hits the ear how some people cringe at the word "moist." I think this is what might separate myself from the person that gave the quote that ended up on the poster. Saying "it didn't make me want to smash my dick with a hammer" just doesn't have the same wide appeal when appearing in such print.
Our main character in The Awakening is a woman that works to debunk paranormal experiences in the early 1900's. We're introduced to her as she metaphorically pulls back the curtain on a sham seance and exposes their charade piece by piece. Shortly after this experience she is asked to come to an all boys school to help with the possibility of a ghost existing in the large mansion-turned-school.
This film reminded me a lot of the Del Toro produced movie The Orphanage. They contain common threads as far as concept and presentation are concerned. You could establish small connections with a majority of the characters as each one had legitimate depth. The acting is solid and visually the film does a great job of making you feel as though you're in a haunted space in 1900's Britain. This is more of a light horror film. It consists of a few jump scares, but mostly a pending dread or suspense felt by the viewer.
I give The Awakening 3 Union Jacks out of 5:
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Monday, August 14, 2017
Queen of the Damned (2002) 1h 41m
Oh man, get ready for about a billion RIPs in this review because there's a lot here that I'm going to mention that lists people that are either dead or dead inside.
Queen of the Damned is loosely based on parts of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. We get the vampire Lestat's origin story all mixed with him rising from a tomb to join a terrible nu-metal band. Originally I thought it sounded like shitty Type-O Negative (RIP Peter Steele) with bad Layne Staley (RIP) or Scott Weiland (RIP) vocals. Then I looked it up and all of the songs were co-written and performed by Jonathan Davis of Korn. The soundtrack though had to have other nu-metal singers (RIP Chester Bennington. Yes, he did one of the songs here).
Lestat begins revealing vampire secrets in his songs and brings the existence of vampires the world. His music ends up awakening Akasha (RIP Aaliyah), the Queen of the Damned. She is essentially a vampire goddess. Zany vampire hijinks ensue.
I'm not gonna lie and say that this film is good. The acting is mostly crap except for Aaliyah. There are good elements here but it feels like the script doesn't do any sort of justice to the source material (although, from what I've read, Interview... was pretty off the mark in some things). Costuming looks more like some weird LARPing thing. The music in this film dates it pretty hard as well. If it were just regular goth or goth/industrial then it might pass better but the nu-metal is rough to get through. I'm not 16 anymore, it's not my jam. In truth though, this movie does fall under that category of being so bad it's actually good.
I give Queen of the Damned 2 ears of corn out of 5:
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Sunday, August 13, 2017
It Follows (2014) 1h 40m
I think this movie is how people picture the Millennial dream. These kids/young adults live at home, they don't go to school or work, they have cars, they obviously have unprotected sex, and not one of them ate at a terrible chain restaurant like TGIFridays or Applebee's. Honestly, if any of those stupid "Millennials are destroying..." articles are really true I hope it's that one. Fuck your shitty cheese sticks!
I've complained a bunch this Cut about slow films but It Follows has to be the slowest yet. The moral of this tale is that if you have sex (I'm actually not sure if this follows genital warts rules, where it can be passed even with a condom, or syphilis rules where a condom will stop it) then you might contract something that makes creepy people in white slowly walk at you. Most of this movie is the main girl freaking out at stuff the others can't see. Then she passes it on to one guy and he gives it to a prostitute.
There is a distinct lack of logic or continuity with parts of this film. The greatest one for me is the cast on the main girl's arm. She has literally broken her arm or wrist just a few days prior, then swims in a nasty lake with it, and then goes in a pool with it. After she is out of the pool she crawls with it and shows no pain despite her wrist bending normally in the soggy cast. It's like they added a prop but told her it's just for decoration and to forget about it. There's also the issue of the people that you see once you're infected actually existing in this physical realm. There are interactions with it. So are these things just everywhere? Where the hell is that explanation?! Lastly, there are rented fucking VHS tapes in one shot! It's goddamn 2014 (for this film)! Where in the flying fuck did you rent VHS from and why are you renting VHS?!
This movie was terrible. It was a lot of pretty camera shots that got stuck with a mumbling cast and poor editing. Seriously, an hour and forty minutes of this shit? Fuck that! You could cut out at least a half hour of bullshit here and do better.
I give It Follows 0 pieces of avocado toast out of 5:
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Friday, August 11, 2017
Friday's Choice Cuts: Tokyo Ghoul (JAP2014/US2017)
This is probably fitting as I had just recently attended Mechacon (the local anime convention here in New Orleans). Although I didn't do cosplay for it this year, I was thinking of doing Faust from the Guilty Gear fighter series but... maybe next year. Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
I became aware of Tokyo Ghoul in ways that no 36 year old probably should: Tumblr and Hot Topic. The combination of these had kept me away from it until I decided to finally take a chance and watch it. The story itself revolves around Ken Kaneki, a boy that happens to have an encounter with a very dangerous Ghoul which attempts to devour him. In the process though the Ghoul is killed by an outside force and Ken is on the verge of death. He ends up surviving because the doctor transplants parts from the Ghoul into his body.
At this point you're probably thinking "da' fuck is a Ghoul?" A Ghoul is a creature that looks human but must live by eating flesh. They can regenerate, have a greater speed and strength than humans, and also contain a special "organ" known as a Kagune. This organ can manifest and be used to attack or defend. It can also be severed and used as a weapon against Ghouls, as the special "dove" forces do this to fight on the side of humans.
I thought this was going to be much more of an action/horror anime but it really ends up being a drama/horror one. Most of it revolves around Keneki's internal struggle with trying to maintain his humanity despite suddenly being a Ghoul. Unlike vampirism, one isn't turned into a Ghoul, they are their own species. He just happens to be a rare case once he was given Ghoul parts, the main one being his left eye which shifts to black and red when he gives himself over to his darker half.
There are political tones as well. Similar to the Professor X vs. Magneto views that exist in the X-Men comics (fuck those movies though...), there are Ghouls that wish to wipe out the human threat and those that wish to just exist among them. In a way, and this could just be me reading into this too much, it has a tone of the civil rights struggle in it. Maybe I'm applying the X-Men analogy too much though...
This is the first "season" or series as the follow up is Tokyo Ghoul √A which picks up at the end of Tokyo Ghoul.
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White Coffin (a.k.a. Ataud Blanco: El Juego Diabólico) (2016) 1h 15m
You should be familiar with the analogy of something having layers like an onion. While it makes sense, I've never spent time peeling an onion for anything. I don't think that I know anyone that has actually been cooking and thought "I need to peel this onion to use it." With this film though, I finally had a real understanding of what it means to have layers skinned away to reveal the new.
White Coffin takes us on an insane adventure. Virginia's daughter is kidnapped (after she has already kind of kidnapped her own daughter) by some sort of strange cult. While in chase with the initial kidnapper our heroine is run off the road by an ambulance and killed in a car crash. Her body is resurrected from her coffin and thus begins a twisted game of riddles, a white coffin, and multiple women attempting to save their children from this murder cult.
When I read the description of this film I wasn't too into it. The moment Virginia is resurrected then I was ready for whatever. This movie had so much going on, but it paced itself well and each reveal became more intense until the finale. Then the ending became a series of madness upon madness. I loved this film. It's one of those movies that I will pull out when I want to have rad discussions with friends after it's done.
I give White Coffin 4 cult members out of 5:
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Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Demon Inside (a.k.a. Espectro) (2013) 1h 33m
Instead of an intro here I'm giving more of a trigger warning. If you are uncomfortable with scenes of sexual assault/rape then avoid this film. I'm not saying I'm okay with it but the film pretty much started with a really long and uncomfortable scene of this. In truth, this film could have skipped it or done it differently to still have this tiny part of the plot happen.
Demon Inside is a Mexican film where our main character is a psychic/tarot card reader that focuses on helping people with her gifts. After a violent sexual assault, her trauma leads to her being admitted to a facility. Upon her release she is afraid to leave her home. It doesn't help that her neighbor is an insane and possibly murderous woman. We also find out that the man that attacked her was cleared of the charges.
Our psychic begins to see visions of a bloody woman in her home. After some research she discovers that there was a murder in her building and assumes the person is reaching out for help. In truth, they're visions of her own future, but you don't find this out until the end.
For most of this film I felt lost. It wasn't just the subtitles (which were sub-par and occasionally word-for-word translations as opposed to contextual translations), but it was also the story telling. The whole film was meant to build up a bunch of info that only gets sewn together at our main character's realization that the woman she had been seeing was herself. They're lucky that I made it that far without falling asleep.
I give Demon Inside 1 bad looking Illustrator demon out of 5:
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Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Anguish (2015) 1h 31m
Here is a list of things I did in the course of watching this film:
1) went to my car to get out upholstery cleaner from the trunk
2) spot cleaned the couch (from rust from the pull out bed part... you perv)
3) cleaned the living room
4) made some mac n' cheese
5) questioned my life choices in regards to what lead me to "watch" this film
Anguish is not a horror film. It falls under a heavy psychological thriller heading with about five minutes of forced horror. Our story starts with a teenage girl being a teenager and getting hit and killed by a pick-up for her shitty angst. Another teenage girl begins to have weird episodes of seeing things or having supernatural occurrences. It's initially chalked up to mental illness until a priest visits and begins to assume it's possession. We end up finding out it's the spirit of death-by-angst and then there are some awkward moments with the mothers of the teenage girls while our living girl is possessed by the dead girl. Shoehorn in a brief moment where our living girl is briefly possessed by something else because, why not? Then I think the living girl gets her spirit back and the movie just ends with some boyfriend making out and whatever.
Even when I was in the room and facing the TV I wasn't into this film. It was boring and much like a lot of the films I've been watching, slow as fuck. The fact that this wasn't a real "horror" film probably hurt it more in regards to my attention span. I'm going to blame the script here because while I roll the plot over in my mind I think its foundation holds promise. The execution however became the executioner for this film and instead of heads rolling it was my eyes at how listless this movie made me.
I give Anguish 0 copies of Teen Angst out of 5:
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Monday, August 7, 2017
The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016) 1h 35m
The moment this movie hit the opening credits my stomach cramped up. It was as if to say that something deep inside me would rather take a terrible and painful deuce rather than subject my active mind to this dumpster fire. I feel like the meeting to name this film went something like this:
"You know what made a bunch of money?"
"The Exorcism of Emily Rose?"
"What? No! The Blair Witch Project."
"What about that book The Secret?"
"Oh shit! The Secrets of Emily Blair!"
"Nailed it! Now to kill you and collect all the money for myself!"
Here's the plot of this film. Emily makes out with a homeless man and becomes possessed by a demon that turns her into a rude mother fucker. Eventually she kills people, but mostly she's just a big B. During Emily's possession times her spirit is trapped in a Stevie Nicks video with some sort of Dark Souls character. When the demon finally does take total control of her she just turns into the singer Christeene. Here is a side-by-side for comparison:
Twenty-seven minutes into this movie I assumed it was almost over and checked the time. This movie was a fucking slog through a swamp. There's nothing redeemable here. Even the spooky possession power stuff couldn't bring me around to this. She does stab a defrocked priest in the head with an ornate cross and that was kind of cool but by the time it happened I had tuned out too much to care.
I give The Secrets of Emily Blair copies of The Secret 0 out of 5:
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Sunday, August 6, 2017
Stung (2015) 1h 27m
In nature, there are two kinds of assholes: Canadian geese, and wasps. Everything else is super cool and safe and not a dick to you. I didn't go to school for any kind of zoology or animal studies, so I'm absolutely the best authority on this kind of info. Consummate pro-fucking-fessional here.
Stung has the most simple plot. Wasps fucking hate WASPS... but not the band W.A.S.P. because they have some good songs. Our setting is a mansion in the middle of wherever that is having a rich white person party to honor someone's father/husband. On the property are some odd sized and brutal looking wasps that are the size of your hand. They replicate by stinging something the shortly after that a new one explodes out of the host and is the same size as whatever body they were growing in. So once people start getting stung then we get human sized wasp things. They kind of look like Jeff Goldblum as the Fly, but in asshole form.
This movie actually tries and that's what hurts the most here. Most of the acting is done well. The giant wasps are good mix of puppets and CGI. The directing is decent. However, you're stuck watching a film about mutant wasps. It's not even B-grade material anymore because these ideas were B-films back in the 50's as the drive-in double creature features. Them, Attack of the Giant Gila Monster, Tarantula... it was done to death decades ago.
I give Stung 1 wolf pack era Sting out of 5 for trying:
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